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Paramour

The day I received your wedding invitation

It's September 18, 2016 when I decided to check on my pigeon hole in the office for letters that never actually reach me. I'm wearing that orange shirt a colleague once gifted me.

You told me to check if it arrived since you have sent it a long time back. You were right! It was sitting there for a good half a month already. At 9:49 A.M. I received an orange envelop with my name in front and your names at the cover leaf.

Your wedding invitation! :hmm:

I have expected it, somehow, but not the feeling. I did not open it. I don't want to. I don't have to. I couldn't explain my feeling. I'm okay, but not really. I should be happy for you but I dunno. I told you that I finally got it. You said that I should also send you mine when my turn comes. I said, "kahit ninang ka pa e" (you'd even be a godmother), You just laughed. You cautioned to open it slowly it might shock me. "I might cry, I said." Then you sent a crying cat emoticon. How apt!

"I am having a NOOOOOO moment! :mecry:" was my status at 10:23 A. M.

I'm wearing an orange shirt, holding an orange card! What's that supposed to mean? I dunno. I still have the whole day to go through but I feel like going home, instead.

I wanna lie in bed, on fetal position. But thank God, office works keep me busy and occupied. It's good, I guess. To snap me away somehow from reality. The reality that you're about to settle in. That there won't be like this. Or anything like this. You and me. The reality is there's no more you and me. There's no more us. We've talked about it. We've talked our way out of it.

T'was getting late. I went home. The drive home feels the longest that time. We still talked. I'm trying to respond without a glimpse of hurt. Because, I'm fine. That moment when you received a wedding invite from your ex! Yes, I'm fine. That ex! Yes, I am fine.

I finally reached home. I opened the orange card. There, a pop-up of the both of you greeted me. "Nice concept, I must say!" You said, "that's why I told you to open it slowly."

We're still talking. I don't mind. You seemed okay, too. I don't think there's anything wrong about it, anyway. It's not that we shouldn't be, but we're still talking.

"It's like I'm talking to my bestfriend, about my wedding, with my ex?", you said. "We're cool that way!", I answered. You said you're happy. I said, you should be and never mind my 'FB status'. You said, "I meant, I'm happy, we're like this." And it took me a while to say anything so I changed the subject.

I shared it with Ella, my sister. She thought I received an application for a postgraduate study. Then she jokingly asked maybe there's an air ticket inside. We both laughed. She's funny, I know. She asked me if I'll go. "Should I?", was my reply. She said, "NO!"

You loved her reaction. I love her for that. She's sweet and she adores you. She knows that we're okay but she doesn't know how 'okay'.

I couldn't help myself to think why you've sent me an invitation. Maybe out of respect. Maybe just for my "information". You asked me before, I said, "sure send me one, I might attend!" And now it's here. I'm staring at it. It's glaring back at me. I expected it, in a way, but I never expected this kind of feeling. I've been uneasy, bothered and confused. I have nobody to tell it to. I have no one to share this sentiment with. I've never loved another after you. Maybe that's the reason of all these rekindled feelings. Why am I hurt? Do I have to feel this? Do I really need to feel this? Why now?

I keep a blog mostly for my photo-a-day challenge and whenever I feel like pouring in my emotions at certain times. But I never really paid attention to it until you told me that you missed reading my thoughts. And I missed writing them as well. I missed talking about you in this blog in a discreet and subtle way. How can I move on if you're still my greatest topic? When I think of you, I can just write anything. When we talk, my words just keep flowing. You said you can never explain the 'feeling' when you're reading my thoughts. Yes, I guess, we're cool that way!

You asked me to confirm my attendance as you were finalizing the list. I answered, "Don't count me in. If the universe will make a way for me to be at Wayfarer's Chapel on the first week of October, then it's the universe doing!"

You want me to see you walk down that chapel's aisle. I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't know if I'm up to it. All I know now is that I needed time to take in all of these. I needed time to gather my broken pieces. I needed time to feel myself again. I needed time. :depressed:

Comments

  • BrandtMurdock_BrandtMurdock_ PEx Rookie ⭐
    :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

    hmmm....

    so.....haha *okay* *okay*
  • :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

    hmmm....

    so.....haha *okay* *okay*

    hmmmm hahaha
  • I'm slowly changing, becoming the Paramour!

    I’m afraid to face the truth. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be a home-wrecker. Yes. I’ve been labeled as such. Not so long ago. It was my fault. Yes. I was tactless back then. I have triggered their separation, I thought or maybe not.

    I’m becoming the person that I don’t want to be like. I don’t want to be the paramour!

    You told me that I’m not like your exes. I’d like to believe you but then, why are we having this secret conversations, anyway. You even told me that you have just invited two of your exes in your wedding. But you said the other didn’t count as he is now admittedly “gay”. We both laughed.

    I dunno. But I think I’m your paramour. :confused:
  • tidgetidge PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    TS sa reception ka na lang pumunta sarap pagkain doon :lol: free food!!!
  • tidge wrote: »
    TS sa reception ka na lang pumunta sarap pagkain doon :lol: free food!!!

    haha..that's a nice way to see things right now tidge..napatawa moko dun ah..
  • gladyskawaiigladyskawaii PEx Rookie ⭐
    clen_david wow i can feel the emotions. I actually experienced this lol. I got invited but i said i won't come. But that was a long time ago. Hehe nakarelate lang 😂
  • clen_david wow i can feel the emotions. I actually experienced this lol. I got invited but i said i won't come. But that was a long time ago. Hehe nakarelate lang 

    hi there gladyskawaii, ur right.
    i guess basta matters of the heart, it's an easy subject for all of us. good that u r already over it, saken kasi fresh pa rin tho last year pa *** wedding. :mecry:

    thanks for reading din.
  • gladyskawaiigladyskawaii PEx Rookie ⭐
    clen_david wrote: »
    hi there gladyskawaii, ur right.
    i guess basta matters of the heart, it's an easy subject for all of us. good that u r already over it, saken kasi fresh pa rin tho last year pa *** wedding. :mecry:

    thanks for reading din.

    Yeah actually you're too brave to be friends with your ex... or shall we say sadist? Lol

    Sakin kasi siya lang nagpumilit na friends kami. I cut off all contacts with him. He was always the one to initiate conversations sa fb even if I already deleted him from my fb friends. I actually begged him to stop contacting me but he didn't. Until one day he told me about the "good news." I congratulated him of course and wished them the best.
  • Yeah actually you're too brave to be friends with your ex... or shall we say sadist? Lol

    Sakin kasi siya lang nagpumilit na friends kami. I cut off all contacts with him. He was always the one to initiate conversations sa fb even if I already deleted him from my fb friends. I actually begged him to stop contacting me but he didn't. Until one day he told me about the "good news." I congratulated him of course and wished them the best.

    haha...I don't even know if I'm sadist or masochist or a lil bit of both. She initiates the conversation on FB coz I know that's when it's safe to talk to her. We have gone through this discussions many times over whether to stop or cut off this connection between us but we just couldn't put a stop to it - and here we are again back at square one.

    Oh well, I hope to tell my story in the next posts of what turned out after that "wedding invitation" post. haha

    Thanks again, gladyskawaii.
  • “Do you want me to be there?” I’ve been contemplating on this question since I saw your invitation.
    “NO”
    “Wow, all caps pa talaga..haha” I want to make light of the situation that I am in. Kaya may haha every now and then.
    “Pareho tayong di comfortable!” And we both know this.

    Maybe this is just one of them they call wedding jitters, cold feet. Maybe you’re just uneasy because you’re excited. You’ve been wanting this. You’ve been wanting to settle down kahit noong tayo pa. We’re not getting any younger. Oo gasgas na yan. Makailang ulit ko na ring narinig yan. Maybe you’re just pressured too. Sabi mo tayo na lang ang natirang single sa barkada. Don’t you just hate the peer pressure when either you get loads of updates in your FB timeline of your friends getting married or having kids. Si Daisy, naka-tatlo na. Tayo, nga-nga!

    “So na-achieve ko pala talaga ang goal ko!”
    “Anong goal?” Naguluhan ako sa biglang message mo. Suddenly, I’m having cold shivers up to my spine. Don’t tell me, that you have this all planned. You wanted to squeeze that last strand of honesty sitting at the bottom of my heart for quite a long time now.
    “Para malaman ko ang nararamdaman mo talaga at lumabas lahat yan ‘pag pinadalhan kita ng invite.;)”

    See! I knew it. You have wandered inside my head again and again. You’re so good at this. You know me very well. Alam na alam mo na hindi ako makapagsinungaling. Hinding hindi ko maikakaila na ikaw at ikaw pa rin. I have moved on. Yan ang gusto kong marining mo. Yan ang gusto kong paniwalaan sa sarili ko. I’m happy for you, really. I want to believe that I am, indeed, happy for you.

    I’ve been silent after your last message. You have noticed that too, of course.

    “I’m thinking you didt it ‘out of respect’.” Yan lamang ang nasabi ko.
    “Haha, joke lang. Ano ka ba!” Haha – Ikaw din, naglalagay ng mga ganyang kataga. Parang ako kanina. We wanted to make light of the situation. Bakit tayo ganito? Ewan ko.
    “IDK, I just want to send you that dahil special ka saken. Totoo, hindi ko in-expect to! Promise.”

    Biglang bawi mo. I believe you. I want to believe you. Wow, all this time, special pa rin ako sayo. Special ka din naman sa ‘kin. Kaya nga hindi natin ine-expect pareho ang mga reactions na ‘to. I wanted to wallow on that last message. I wanted to bask in the heat of it. I wanted to feel the weight of that every letter of the word.

    Oh God, that was special. I missed you!
  • “What would you do if you received a wedding invitation from your ex?”

    “As in bulaga? Out of nowhere na di mo man lang nameet yun magiging husband?” Phoebe was quick to respond.
    “Ako pupunta.” said Cheng. “Baka FYI lang yan haha, sagot ba pamasahe?” Maybe she’s right that it was just a courtesy invite.
    “Hindi ako pupunta,” Phoebe added. “Teka, maayos ba paghihiwalay ninyo? Ang tanong, nakapag-decide ka na ba?” I’ve been to splitsville for quite a number of times already but this one’s different and hard to traverse. “Hindi ko gets kung bakit kayo pa nag-uusap everyday.” Phoebe wondered. I think it’s called “weird”, Phoebe. “Weird ngang talaga!” she concluded. “Wala ka na din naman mapapala kapag nagpunta ka dun…o wala nga ba?” now Phoebe’s a bit confused, too.
    “Kung gusto niyang pigilan mo sya, dapat sinagot na ticket..haha char” was Cheng’s humorous comment.

    I accidentally sent that question to my online group in Whatsapp. It was initially meant for my close-circle friends back in college on FB and not on Whatsapp. Clumsy me! But instead, they’ve been my go-to friends and instant counselors during that day. See, I like this group. They make complicated things seem and feel so much lighter. We’re total strangers drawn by just a common interest (Monster Radio’s TMR show) and yet we feel like we’ve found a family that we ourselves have chosen.

    “Baka nga FYI lang yun, tutal lagi kayo magkausap. Out na!” Phoebe said. “What are you expecting sa wedding na un?” I don’t know Phoebs. I wore an orange shirt that day and the invitation card was orange, too. It must be a sign or something. “Wala ng sign pa!” Phoebe ended my little glimmer of hope. “Baka pasintabi na invite na lang.” said Kiten, a mommy of two in the group. “Respeto ang term since ok naman kayo.” Maybe she and Cheng were right. Maybe she had done it in her own wedding before. “I actually had two in my wedding. Haha. But it’s an old bf and we were good friends before naging bf and di rin seryoso. One invite is sincere and the other is out of respect lang. Yes. They both attended.” Kiten added. “Bro, if you still don’t feel 100% fine about the breakup, don’t go.” Dan joined in. “Magkape na lang tayo. Magpakain ka na lang. haha” And that’s from another comic of the group. “Don’t go. Don’t go.” Dan insisted. “Yung magfly out ka pa to another continent, that means a lot ha,” commented Kiten. “Huwaaah, don’t go.” Phoebe seconded.

    It made me tear up all the more. I’m weird. This is weird. What we have is weird. This feeling is weird. Love is weird. Was it love? I dunno.

    “Parang mas madali tanggapin na kinasal na sya, kaya wala ng chance…kesa yun magpunta kpa dun then wala din naman. Sayang ang pera, time, and effort.” Phoebe was the talkative type. Haha “Feeling ko di ka pa ok na ‘im happy for u lang’.” Kiten said. “Out of respect lang yan and since malayo naman Malabo na pumunta kaya invite n lang din. Lol” Karen had joined in as well. “Ayun. Let her be happy. Yun naman dapat ang goal natin/mo diba? Kahit hindi kayo mag end up..basta masaya sya. Keri na.” Phoebe said. “Mas magiging madali nagun na alam mo na kasal na sya.” Dan replied. “I sincerely believe and think she is not expecting you to come.” Kiten said. Then all of a suddenly, these virtual friends wanted to schedule an EB on the day of my ex’s supposed wedding. It made me tear up a little bit more. I haven't met all of them for that matter since I am mostly absent on EBs. hahaha

    Not one of them advised me to attend. Ouch. Mas masakit pala na mangaling sa iba yun sagot sa tanong ko. Masakit dahil clouded ako ‘cause of the situation. There is this side of me that tells me to “Go” and the other side that tells me to “Let go.” I can’t see these things on my own. And that’s why maybe it was intended for me to wrongly send it to further guide me through.

    I used to believe that “we’re meant to be.” “Baka mas ok kayo now kasi nga hindi kayo in a relationship. Some things are not meant to be.” Phoebe said. Siguro nga, we are NOT meant to be. Meant to be pa rin, not to be together. They we’re telling me that I deserve someone better. You also told me I deserved the best. But you’re my “best thing” ever.

    “Well, clearly there is still something between you, two. Pero the fact na hindi sya humiwalay sa jowa nya at pumayag sya magpakasal sa kanya, eh respeto na lang [yung invitation]. Bro code db? Kung talagang mahal ka nya, andyan ka o wala, pupunta ka or hindi, sya na gagawa ng paraan para magkaugnayan kayo ng walang ibang masasaktan lalo na at nag-uusap naman pala kayo,” ang litanya ni Karen. “Oo, ganun and true love. Willing to wait,” sabi pa ni Pheobe. “She should have said goodbye to him [fiancé] kung talagang gusto ka nya balikan. If nahonor mo yung bf-gf relationship nila noon, mas lalo mo dapat ihonor yun fiancé status nila now,” Karen added. “It happens to the nest of us, now na alam naming na may ouch pa sayo. The more reason na you should not go,” Karen eded.

    #ThisTooShallPass was my only reply and they sent me that emoticon of a smiley with open arms. Virtual hugs. From total strangers. Yeah, maybe it’s not that bad. :mecry:
  • Clen, how’s your heart?



    The last time I heard, you were heart-broken. No, you were devastated! You were heart-broken for a little long while now. So you couldn’t be heart-broken any further, right? I thought you have moved on. What happened?



    How’s your heart?



    That smile has never turned upside down. You’re still sending “cheers” from your side of the world. To whom are you sending them exactly? Is it to anyone out there or is it to that one in particular? I see that you've been smiling an extra mile. You were grinning from ear to ear. Does it mean you’re happy? Does it mean you’re way better now than you were before?



    How’s your heart?



    It’s almost a decade now. What’s wrong with you? Are you still capable of love? Are you still capable of loving? That broken piece of you, is it capable of loving anew? Can you be hurt forever? Can you be broken forever? Can you love again? Do you know how to love ever again? Well, maybe you realized that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life!



    How’s your heart?



    Isn't it funny that if you look into the word “heart” - you’ll see “ear”. Clen, you’ve heard it. You’ve heard it over and over. But have you listened to it? Did you ever listen? I can see you have two ears but have you used them both? Why do you think you have been given those set of ears and got only a single mouth? That directly means, talk less, listen more. Try putting those two ears, together. What will you get - a heart, isn't it?



    How’s your heart?



    It is <3. Heart is less than three. Can’t that be any clearer for you? What happened? You’re the odd-man out, Clen. That’s why they’re called a "couple" for a reason and never a "triple". There can never be a heart (or love) that involves three people, romantically.



    How’s your heart?



    You’re full of love. I know that. You can handle love. You have been in love. You have been out of love. You still know how to love. Remember why you were named after that “beloved” character in the Bible? Because your heart is capable of love. It is the best emotion or feeling that anyone can have. You have seen heart (or love) all around you. You see it in nature, too. Love's all around us. Love is all around you, Clen.



    So Clen, how’s your heart?



    Do yourself a favor. Guard it, too. You've got a big heart. Big enough to also love yourself. You’re doing just fine. Your heart is doing just fine. You’ll be okay.

    Love and let love.
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