Need advice - Soon to be married

batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
Hi guys, I need advice. 
I have a girlfriend for 10 years now. Recently we got engaged.
I wanted to marry her so I can be with her finally.
She's a doctor and I've been waiting for a long time to finally be able to spend time with her. 
Unfortunately, after the engagement she decided to work in the province, She said it will just be a short stint just to
save money for the future. I agreed. Then she applied for a fellowship position in the hospital and got accepted for another
3 years of training. 
I was devastated to learn that after several years of waiting we will be in a long distance relationship since she chose to work in the province. She said i should just go to the province and work there but It will be a career suicide. 

Looking back, I always follow where she is to be close to her. Supported her through med school, board exams, residency etc.
I would always turn down offers abroad since she said she wants us to be together.
I just don't get why I always have to adjust to her career decisions.
Right now, I'm the one making all the preparations for our wedding. She is out there attending conferences in different countries while i'm left alone trying to put everything together for us.

I'm in a dilemma if marrying her is the right thing to do. I still have 1 month before the wedding. 
Please give me your opinion and advice.

Thank you.
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Comments

  • IronHandofJusticeIronHandofJustice Member PEx Guru ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
    edited July 23
    Not worth it. Talk to her to reconsider working far and set the condition that you will drop the marriage preparations.

    Mahirap pero it would be a disaster din kapag pinilit mo itong ituloy. Remember walang divorce sa Pinas.

    Be emotionally ready. You must be steadfast kasi from the sounds of it,  you don't seem too valuable to her. She may be career-oriented, but I hope iyan lang talaga at hindi siya na fell-out of love sa tinagal tagal niyo.

    You mentioned that you supported her, does this mean financial support? If yes, my intuition confirms na likely tapos na ang role mo sa buhay niya and you are no longer a priority, that includes whatever's left between you two.


  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    edited July 23
    Hijo, mas mahalaga sa kanya ang career niya kaysa pagpapakasal. Mungkahi kong hiwalayan mo na siya dahil wala kayong patutunguan....
  • batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    Not worth it. Talk to her to reconsider working far and set the condition that you will drop the marriage preparations.

    Mahirap pero it would be a disaster din kapag pinilit mo itong ituloy. Remember walang divorce sa Pinas.

    Be emotionally ready. You must be steadfast kasi from the sounds of it,  you don't seem too valuable to her. She may be career-oriented, but I hope iyan lang talaga at hindi siya na fell-out of love sa tinagal tagal niyo.

    You mentioned that you supported her, does this mean financial support? If yes, my intuition confirms na likely tapos na ang role mo sa buhay niya and you are no longer a priority, that includes whatever's left between you two.


    Not really financial support. weve been together since college and she's the one to ask me if we can already get married since she said she's getting old. I'm a very understanding person and also career oriented but I just don't get why I always need to sacrifice my career to follow her wherever she is. She will say "kahit wag kana lang magtrabaho, if we have kids you take of them I can work for us". I mean it sounds cool but I not that type of person.
  • ethan911ethan911 Member PEx Veteran ⭐⭐
    I only hear one side of the story which is your career.
    Banggitin mo naman ang good things that she did/does for the relationship and for you and why you love her.
    Are there any other signs that she is not worth the wait?

  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    batots said:
    Not worth it. Talk to her to reconsider working far and set the condition that you will drop the marriage preparations.

    Mahirap pero it would be a disaster din kapag pinilit mo itong ituloy. Remember walang divorce sa Pinas.

    Be emotionally ready. You must be steadfast kasi from the sounds of it,  you don't seem too valuable to her. She may be career-oriented, but I hope iyan lang talaga at hindi siya na fell-out of love sa tinagal tagal niyo.

    You mentioned that you supported her, does this mean financial support? If yes, my intuition confirms na likely tapos na ang role mo sa buhay niya and you are no longer a priority, that includes whatever's left between you two.


    Not really financial support. weve been together since college and she's the one to ask me if we can already get married since she said she's getting old. I'm a very understanding person and also career oriented but I just don't get why I always need to sacrifice my career to follow her wherever she is. She will say "kahit wag kana lang magtrabaho, if we have kids you take of them I can work for us". I mean it sounds cool but I not that type of person.
    Pareho kayong career-oriented kaya 'di uubra kayong magpakasal. Sa buhay kailangan ng compromise. Mukhang wala sa inyong dalawa ang handang gumawa nito.
  • batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    ethan911 said:
    I only hear one side of the story which is your career.
    Banggitin mo naman ang good things that she did/does for the relationship and for you and why you love her.
    Are there any other signs that she is not worth the wait?

    hmm, actually ok naman kami in terms of relationship. we dont argue that much. She also supported me emotionally when I lost some of my family members since naging kami. She's decent, never had a chance that she cheated on me since she is so focused on her career. She attends family events like reunions, birthdays and anniversaries. In terms of effort na iba wala masyado. when we are in college she use to write me letters, gifts on my birthday or anniversaries but since med school started I feel its been a one way effort from my side. Though she always assures me that she loves me. I just can't compete with her career. Its has always been Career, her family then me.
  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    ^^Gusto niya tumigil ka na sa pagtrabajo at maging "house husband" ka na lang. Hindi ka papayag?
  • batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    batots said:
    Not worth it. Talk to her to reconsider working far and set the condition that you will drop the marriage preparations.

    Mahirap pero it would be a disaster din kapag pinilit mo itong ituloy. Remember walang divorce sa Pinas.

    Be emotionally ready. You must be steadfast kasi from the sounds of it,  you don't seem too valuable to her. She may be career-oriented, but I hope iyan lang talaga at hindi siya na fell-out of love sa tinagal tagal niyo.

    You mentioned that you supported her, does this mean financial support? If yes, my intuition confirms na likely tapos na ang role mo sa buhay niya and you are no longer a priority, that includes whatever's left between you two.


    Not really financial support. weve been together since college and she's the one to ask me if we can already get married since she said she's getting old. I'm a very understanding person and also career oriented but I just don't get why I always need to sacrifice my career to follow her wherever she is. She will say "kahit wag kana lang magtrabaho, if we have kids you take of them I can work for us". I mean it sounds cool but I not that type of person.
    Pareho kayong career-oriented kaya 'di uubra kayong magpakasal. Sa buhay kailangan ng compromise. Mukhang wala sa inyong dalawa ang handang gumawa nito.
    Alam ko naman bro, pero ako na lang lagi nagcocompromise. 
  • IronHandofJusticeIronHandofJustice Member PEx Guru ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
    batots said:
    batots said:
    Not worth it. Talk to her to reconsider working far and set the condition that you will drop the marriage preparations.

    Mahirap pero it would be a disaster din kapag pinilit mo itong ituloy. Remember walang divorce sa Pinas.

    Be emotionally ready. You must be steadfast kasi from the sounds of it,  you don't seem too valuable to her. She may be career-oriented, but I hope iyan lang talaga at hindi siya na fell-out of love sa tinagal tagal niyo.

    You mentioned that you supported her, does this mean financial support? If yes, my intuition confirms na likely tapos na ang role mo sa buhay niya and you are no longer a priority, that includes whatever's left between you two.


    Not really financial support. weve been together since college and she's the one to ask me if we can already get married since she said she's getting old. I'm a very understanding person and also career oriented but I just don't get why I always need to sacrifice my career to follow her wherever she is. She will say "kahit wag kana lang magtrabaho, if we have kids you take of them I can work for us". I mean it sounds cool but I not that type of person.
    Pareho kayong career-oriented kaya 'di uubra kayong magpakasal. Sa buhay kailangan ng compromise. Mukhang wala sa inyong dalawa ang handang gumawa nito.
    Alam ko naman bro, pero ako na lang lagi nagcocompromise. 
    So you got your answer then. :)

  • blue_tracerblue_tracer soundscapes PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    edited July 25
    you should delay your wedding first. delay lang hindi naman cancellation.

    obviously, her career is too important if not probably the only thing that matters to her now. ang hirap sumingit sa ganyan, may momentum siya eh.

    by delaying your wedding, may automatic na pasok ang risk. anything can happen: puwede siya or ikaw lumiko, mag kagusto sa iba. or.. puwedeng walang 3rd party na dumating, pero nawala na ang flame at gana sa huli.

    ang isang advantage naman, by that time kung kayo pa rin, at least napagbigyan mo na siya at sure na talaga na kayo. 

    siyempre, marami rin siya gusto ma achieve aside from just getting married.

    ang mahirap, sobrang iksi lang ng lifespan ng tao. gusto man natin pag aralan ang 100 volumes na libro pero realistically, 20 volumes pa nga lang masakit na sa mata, sira pa social life mo, putcha100 pa ba? 🤣

    when you love someone or if you want keep someone, there is a price to be paid. sacrifice, patience, understanding kasama na. you need to talk to her about time frame. kasi na-stretched ka na masyado.

    sa tindi ng focus niya ngayon sa career, what if bigla na lang may dumating na offer like further studies sa US? UK? switzerland? 🤔 baka bigla na lang umalis 'yan dahil "sayang" ang opportunity "ngayon lang" ito. 

    if ever umatras ka at maghanap ng bago, i think nobody can blame you. you already did your part. naghintay ka, nag pasensya ka. so that's it. life is short. 

  • batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    ^^Gusto niya tumigil ka na sa pagtrabajo at maging "house husband" ka na lang. Hindi ka papayag?

    I'm almost at the peak of my career, konti na lang maybe in a year or I'll be an exec in our company. Being a house husband is just too sad and pathetic. no offence if you are one, it's just my opinion.
  • batotsbatots Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    you should delay your wedding first. delay lang hindi naman cancellation.

    obviously, her career is too important if not probably the only thing that matters to her now. ang hirap sumingit sa ganyan, may momentum siya eh.

    by delaying your wedding, may automatic na pasok ang risk. anything can happen: puwede siya or ikaw lumiko, mag kagusto sa iba. or.. puwedeng walang 3rd party na dumating, pero nawala na ang flame at gana sa huli.

    ang isang advantage naman, by that time kung kayo pa rin, at least napagbigyan mo na siya at sure na talaga na kayo. 

    siyempre, marami rin siya gusto ma achieve aside from just getting married.

    ang mahirap, sobrang iksi lang ng lifespan ng tao. gusto man natin pag aralan ang 100 volumes na libro pero realistically, 20 volumes pa nga lang masakit na sa mata, sira pa social life mo, putcha100 pa ba? 🤣

    when you love someone or if you want keep someone, there is a price to be paid. sacrifice, patience, understanding kasama na. you need to talk to her about time frame. kasi na-stretched ka na masyado.

    sa tindi ng focus niya ngayon sa career, what if bigla na lang may dumating na offer like further studies sa US? UK? switzerland? 🤔 baka bigla na lang umalis 'yan dahil "sayang" ang opportunity "ngayon lang" ito. 

    if ever umatras ka at maghanap ng bago, i think nobody can blame you. you already did your part. naghintay ka, nag pasensya ka. so that's it. life is short. 

    I agree, life is short that's why she wants to get married. She wants to have a baby since she's getting old. I also want to have one but the possibilities of further studies is very likely. Sometimes I'm thinking i shouldve just look for a simple woman to be a gf. I'm just emotionally invested on her, i never see myself investing in another relationship again because I  think its just a drag. The process of getting to know and getting along with someone is just too time consuming. I dunno man, I'm totally confused right now. This is just too depressing for me. 
  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    batots said:
    ^^Gusto niya tumigil ka na sa pagtrabajo at maging "house husband" ka na lang. Hindi ka papayag?

    I'm almost at the peak of my career, konti na lang maybe in a year or I'll be an exec in our company. Being a house husband is just too sad and pathetic. no offence if you are one, it's just my opinion.
    Ganoon din sa tingin niya magiging SAD and PATHETIC siya kung maging "house wife" na lang. Pareho lang kayo ng pananaw....

  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    batots said:
    you should delay your wedding first. delay lang hindi naman cancellation.

    obviously, her career is too important if not probably the only thing that matters to her now. ang hirap sumingit sa ganyan, may momentum siya eh.

    by delaying your wedding, may automatic na pasok ang risk. anything can happen: puwede siya or ikaw lumiko, mag kagusto sa iba. or.. puwedeng walang 3rd party na dumating, pero nawala na ang flame at gana sa huli.

    ang isang advantage naman, by that time kung kayo pa rin, at least napagbigyan mo na siya at sure na talaga na kayo. 

    siyempre, marami rin siya gusto ma achieve aside from just getting married.

    ang mahirap, sobrang iksi lang ng lifespan ng tao. gusto man natin pag aralan ang 100 volumes na libro pero realistically, 20 volumes pa nga lang masakit na sa mata, sira pa social life mo, putcha100 pa ba? 🤣

    when you love someone or if you want keep someone, there is a price to be paid. sacrifice, patience, understanding kasama na. you need to talk to her about time frame. kasi na-stretched ka na masyado.

    sa tindi ng focus niya ngayon sa career, what if bigla na lang may dumating na offer like further studies sa US? UK? switzerland? 🤔 baka bigla na lang umalis 'yan dahil "sayang" ang opportunity "ngayon lang" ito. 

    if ever umatras ka at maghanap ng bago, i think nobody can blame you. you already did your part. naghintay ka, nag pasensya ka. so that's it. life is short. 

    I agree, life is short that's why she wants to get married. She wants to have a baby since she's getting old. I also want to have one but the possibilities of further studies is very likely. Sometimes I'm thinking i shouldve just look for a simple woman to be a gf. I'm just emotionally invested on her, i never see myself investing in another relationship again because I  think its just a drag. The process of getting to know and getting along with someone is just too time consuming. I dunno man, I'm totally confused right now. This is just too depressing for me. 
    Gusto niya mag-asawa. Pero gusto niya rin ang kanyang career. Ang tanging paraan lang na kayo ikasal ay tumigil ka na sa iyong career.

    Ayaw mo itigil ang inyong career. Malinaw na DEAL BREAKER ito. Ako sa iyo, bumitiw ka na. Tutal bata ka pa naman baka makahanap ka pa ng iba.

    Malungkot at masakit. Pero minsan ganyan ang buhay. Pararaanin ka muna sa butas ng karayom bago mo mahanap ang kaligayahan....
  • blue_tracerblue_tracer soundscapes PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    neither would give up. and if someone does.. sigurado siya 'yung manunumbat sa huli. 
  • IronHandofJusticeIronHandofJustice Member PEx Guru ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
    neither would give up. and if someone does.. sigurado siya 'yung manunumbat sa huli. 
    Totoo. Kaya dapat magcompromise ang isa. 

    Kung ayaw mag quit, at least huwag nalang lumayo.
  • blue_tracerblue_tracer soundscapes PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    the world is getting complicated. halus dumadaplis na dito ang women empowerment. imbes na simple na lang sana ang buhay: mag aasawa ang dalawa, raise a family. sus mayroon pang ganito. 🤣

    talk to her. sabihin mo lahat sa kanya ang implications pag walang nabago sa sitwasyon. at least, may effort para clear lahat. pag ayaw pa rin bumigay, then it ends there.



  • panis_na_putopanis_na_puto Member PExer
    the world is getting complicated. halus dumadaplis na dito ang women empowerment. imbes na simple na lang sana ang buhay: mag aasawa ang dalawa, raise a family. sus mayroon pang ganito. 🤣

    talk to her. sabihin mo lahat sa kanya ang implications pag walang nabago sa sitwasyon. at least, may effort para clear lahat. pag ayaw pa rin bumigay, then it ends there.



    Ang kababaihan hindi na basta-basta papayag na maging ALIPIN lang at KASAMBAHAY sa lalaki. Kumikita rin sila at di kailangan ng sustento ng mga lalaki.

    Maraming lalaki ay lito na dahil hindi sanay sa ganitong situation. Noong unang panahon payag ang babaeng tumigil sa career at mag-alaga ng anak.

    Di na ngayon. Masanay na kayo!
  • blue_tracerblue_tracer soundscapes PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    edited July 31
    tatang just, 

    hindi ko sinasabi dito 'yung extreme na kailangan magpaka-zero ang isang babae, wag kumita, wag magtrabaho. tapos magpaalila na lang sa asawa, kasi afterall a woman has to be submissive to her husband. hindi 'yan ang tinutukoy ko. besides, nag paglumaan na rin ng panahon 'yang concept. 

    ang ibig ko sabihin ay 'di naman kailangan totally give up ng babae ang career niya para mag work ang relasyon. ang punto ko: yung level ng commitment ng babae doon sa career niya. na to the point na umaabot na ito doon sa isang sitwasyon na "deal breaker" na as per your previous post.

    baka kailangan lang tone down ni babae ang career niya kaunti para lang makasimula na sila ni threadstarter. kung ayaw 'nung babae bah eh 'di wag niya. 🤣 marami pang ibang babae na hotter, intelligent and smart enough pero 'di naman ganyan nagpapalunod sa career, mabait, maganda. 👌
  • ethan911ethan911 Member PEx Veteran ⭐⭐
    Compromise ang key, both sides has to come on agreement to improve each other's life. Ayaw mo naman sigurong tumanda ng may regret(parang ako :o ).
    Usual problem yan ng mga mayayamang bansa, career and money ang mas important sa kanila kaysa love life,
    kaya divorce agad kung di makapag compromise.

    Find a way for both of you to still pursue your career while happily married kung talagang sya na!
    Only problem are your possible children.
    You can also opt not to have children just like most countries, having family is not really required,
    tradition lang sa Asia yan.

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