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A story without a title

This is a story. A love story. I will be updating this thread from time to time as the story goes on.

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  • The Background

    11 years ago, I was sitting in front of my computer.

    Bored, lonely and just staring blankly.

    I was at a point in my life where I was clueless if I was happy or not. I have my family, friends and whatever but something’s lacking.

    I was looking for something else and I couldn’t even define what it is. Something’s not there.

    To cut the story short, I ended up in a chatroom. Just hanging around looking for someone I can talk to.

    There were guys and girls who would message here and there. A lot of nonsense, and maniacs that Im not interested with.

    I just want to have a conversation. Plain and simple conversation.

    And after some hours of lurking, I had a very quick hi hello with someone, someone I don’t know of course.

    I was already sleepy and the conversation really was very quick, it was short with very little information.

    I shutdown, went to bed and found myself thinking of turning the pc again and checking if she’s still there.

    Weird. How can i be so glued and interested when there was really no conversation. It was hi hello where do you study really you love to cook.

    That was it. Really that was it?

    The following day I couldnt believe myself that I was still thinking about it. I asked myself why? What’s with that conversation that makes me want to check her out again? It was nothing, it was about her knowing how to cook so why? Why was I so interested?

    That 2nd day, I went online and hoping Id find her again and luckily yes I did. She was there and I was smiling just seeing her there.

    From then on we became textmates, and day by day it was getting more and more addicting. I wanted to know her more. I wanted to talk to her everyday every minute. So we did.

    I was talking to her, she was talking to me too. But i lied to her.
  • The breakup


    The breakup
    Just like most stories online, I was the culprit and she was the victim.

    Victim of fake identity. Yes, I made up this image of a man. I was living, hiding behind a face of a guy.

    I made up stories after stories. It felt like I had to so I can keep her. I had to make her believe that she was talking to a guy.

    My feelings were true, I fell in love. But how can I love her? How can she love me? Will she ever talk to me?

    I kept the stories going. I was thinking one day maybe one day. For now just go with it. Just let it flow, let it be. Just love her be happy. Indeed I was happy, I was very happy.

    It felt like I was floating. That was the first time I felt so real. I felt so complete. Having her made me feel so alive.

    It went on and on and on. Year after year after year.

    One day she found out about it. She saw a picture of the guy I used. I didnt know what to tell her.

    I felt like **** this is it, Im going to lose the girl I love.

    But again, I made up another story. Looked for a good looking guy that I can use. I wanted a very good looking guy for her. I used my cousin.

    So again it went on and on.

    Ups and downs. Truths and lies.

    It was a crazy story. But i love her. I love her so.

    To her it was a long distance relationship. Two people having a hard time to be together.

    She would doubt me every now and then but I know she keeps brushing it off because she wants to believe me more than her gut feel and more than her friends.

    We fought through it. There were days when I feel like I wanted to tell her but then I couldn’t.

    I was too scared to lose her.

    Too scared, Just so stupid to be so scared.

    After 3 years and some months, there were changes. Things started to change.

    I couldnt blame her because I know it was tiring to be in that kind of relationship.

    She ended up cheating and making her own lies.

    She had a relationship with her colleague

    It was like having a knife stuck in my throat. I was hurt but who am I to get hurt. I was cut in to pieces.

    It was so depressing. I couldnt tell anybody. I felt so alone and I wanted to die. Many times I wanted to die.

    It was so difficult that I had to show a happy face in front of my friends, family and at work everyday. They wouldnt understand.

    I would go to the office stare at my monitor and cry. A friend of mine in the office once asked me as she couldnt help it anymore. Why? why are you crying? Youve been like that for weeks? Is there something wrong? Is someone in your family sick? Lovelife?

    How can i answer when I dont have an answer? How can i say i have a love life when no one knows you. If I said yes, the next question would be, who?

    I didnt know what to say. I ended up saying it was because of a song that I keep playing everyday. She asked, what song? I said, cannonball by damien rice. Yes that was really weird.

    I couldnt go home too, They cant see me that way. I ended up checking in a hotel, sometimes I would end up 1 week, 3 days, 2 weeks, 5 days. I stopped caring about my finances. I needed to hide. I needed to be alone. No one has to know. Sometimes I would spend the night in hotel lobbies because I dont have money. Sometimes 24 hour coffee shops.

    On family gatherings, i had to show up happy, wacky and all because thats my role. To always be happy and keep them happy. I would take longer baths and would be in the toilet more often to hide myself from them. I’d take so many in between naps at home because that’s the only way to hide my feelings.

    It was difficult. I thought I’d end up hating her. Seeing pictures of her makes me want to hate her. I keep telling myself to just hate her but I couldnt.

    I continued with my life. I continued watching her from afar. I continued pretending to everyone that everything’s ok with me. I had to be normal.
  • Holding on

    After a few months I found out she’s pregnant.

    I thought ok maybe I will finally be ok because she has her own life now.

    But I was wrong again, it never made me see her less of a person.

    Deep in my heart I know that she is still that same girl. The girl I love.

    I hated myself because I want to be ok but I wasn’t helping myself.

    I only see good things about her and when I start to force myself to see how bad things went, I still see the goodness.

    We started to talk again, with hi hello how are you kind of thing.

    Still she doesnt know who I am. To her I am her ex boyfriend. And me I am still hiding behind that image.

    And still the same person who feels so much for her.

    We continued talking despite of the situation.

    I continued being a friend to her, ready to listen when she needs someone to talk to.

    I continued loving her and being hurt at the same time.
  • As things went on, I continued living and projecting that I am that guy in the picture.

    I would post from time to time to make her feel my presence, that I am still around, that I am just around, ready when needed.

    I was living my own life, and living as her “Insert name I used” at the same time.

    There were moments when it would come across my mind to tell her everything.

    But I told myself maybe not, maybe Ill hurt her if she finds out.

    I wanted to tell her but a part of me is saying that not knowing the truth is a better ending for her, than for her to find out that she was fooled by someone she trusted so much. I don’t have the heart to break her heart (but yes I did).

    I allowed things to continue, I was at least happy that I am still in her life in a different way. At least I still get to know how she’s doing and what she’s up to.

    It was like that for years.

    I was never at peace, I was always caught up thinking about the what ifs.

    What if I tell her the truth, what if she’ll accept me?

    What if I tell her the truth, I owe her that.

    What if I pursue her again and continue hiding behind this man and take it from there?

    I was always thinking about her. It was all about her.
  • Around 2014 of May, I was at a mall very near her area.

    I kept looking around because I wanted to see her. It felt like Im going to see her there.

    I went to a bookstore to look for stickers for my nephew and a kid walked in front of me.

    And my heart started beating so fast.

    It was her son. I looked around and I saw her mom and her daughter. I kept looking and my heart beat was going crazy.

    She wasn’t there. I waited for some time but she wasn’t there.

    I was very happy to see them. I dont know why but I was very happy.

    After a few days something happened.

    I saw her.

    She was having a breakdown, devastated.

    She found out the truth.

    It was a dream, I saw it all in my dream.

    It bothered me so much.

    Should I tell her or should I just stop. It was a battle in my mind.

    I tried to reach out but some things didnt let it to happen.

    It was on my mind every single day.

    I told myself to just stop and try to stay away. I dont want to continue fooling and maybe just cutting everything off would be better.

    I would receive messages from her from time to time and as much as I want to respond and continue, I controlled myself not to. It was difficult, She wasn’t posting anything neither and I felt so helpless.

    I wanted to know how she’s doing but that dream felt so real that it scares me everyday knowing that maybe I’ll see her that way.

    An opportunity came to work abroad and it felt like it was the best opportunity to stay away and start anew.

    I took it thinking Ill be able to forget her.

    Again, I was wrong.
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