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Dan's Diary

strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
There are things that can't be posted on Facebook so I just want to post it here instead. Nope this is not for the pin because I have long gotten the pin.

[#]Diary[/#] [#]TooLazyToMakeABlog[/#]
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  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Si Dan

    I figured that since this is going to be my first entry so it is necessary to make it clear that my real name is indeed Dan. Currently, I'm an Engineering student in one of the schools at the University belt but I have already graduated in one of the good schools in QC. This is part of a deal with my dad to finance my dream restaurant in the future if I were to earn a title next to my name. I graduated with a major in Legal Management so I was supposed to go to Law School but I backed out just because I got too scared about losing four years of life in case studies, digests and all the things that I am no longer passionate about.

    In my 23 years of existence, I had five serious relationships. Two girls, a boy, another girl then another boy. I could still remember the End-of-the-World party a close friend of mine hosted in her place back during December 2012. It was a party for the twenty-somethings within our circle of friends so part of the event was supposed to be really mushy and cheesy as each one had to deliver a short message for their partners if that day had been the last day of the world.

    I had mine prepared and written on a piece of paper just in case I need reminding:

    "This 2012, I have met someone really amazing. Paolo, I know what we have is really complicated but I'm sure about my feelings. Today might be the end of the world but I won't regret spending these last hours with you."

    It wasn't a fairytale that I needed reminding. I clumsily placed the paper on my back pocket and grabbed my hankie to wipe some sweat off my forehead. It was like outing myself amid my college friends who thought I was as straight as an arrow only to find out that a tall handsome guy has brought me to my knees (literally and figuratively).

    Fastforward January 2013, I just got home from work. My parents were at the living room and they seemed to have been waiting for me to arrive. I looked at their faces until my eyes leaped to a very familiar piece of paper placed on the table. My heart quivered and I just had to avoid their gazes and hurriedly went upstairs. I opened my gym bag and placed all my favorite clothes. I opened my drawer to get several sheets of blank paper.

    I wrote my parents a letter profusely apologizing about why they have to learned it the hard way and that I am big enough to know what I am and what I am not. I reasoned that I am still the bright boy they raised only that now I am in love with another bright boy. I tiptoed downstairs, took a different gate exit and left for Paolo's place.

    That night I opened my phone only to find several missed calls, and texts from my folks asking me to go back home. I replied to tell that I'm okay.

    Another text woke me up in the middle of the night. The text said that I am welcome home anytime and I can take my time if I needed to. They just needed to confirm if the Pauline that they've been hearing from me is indeed a Paolo. It was only then that I broke down because my parents put up with all the **** I have been through before this time and yet they have quickly accepted that their eldest son, the only son (my brother's a special child) who can give them a grandchild who will inherit our surname.

    Long story made short: I'm out to my parents but I still have to tame down my comments about attractive guys in the telly.

    I think it's absurd to ask about my state of happiness because if I was happy, do you think there's a need for me to vent out frustrations I have with my life so far?
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm growing weaker and weaker. Your indecision scares me. Not being with you kills me. This is the first time that we won't be spending the beginning of this year together. We're together but we're far.

    I supposed three years is David to ten year's Goliath. David's a fighter but he's losing.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    It doesn't have to make sense now but sometimes the future, more than anything, scares me. The prospect of losing you even if you were never just exclusively mine is damning.

    Why was I fated to meet you when I was always meant to lose you?

    Ever heard of a child offered with a free taste of an ice cream only to find out that he'd have to give it back? This is a hundredfold worse than that. Is fate tickled by this schadenfreude?

    My skin yearns for yours. My lips missed your pair.

    I love you. I know I seldom tell you that but I really do. I love you.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    I can't contain the longing. Sigh how hard can it be especially that your cousins and friends are still in contact with me.
    Is this how it will be every year? Di ko na ata kaya pa?
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Happy New Year!
  • dark_runicdark_runic Anyone Is Common.... PEx Expert 🎖️
    alam ko yang story na yan friend, ahihihi. :bungi:
  • benefitofdoubtbenefitofdoubt 👁 PBB Loyalist
    hahahahahaha ikaw na :bop: :lol:

    kaya mo yan *okay*
  • AkoSiShirleyAkoSiShirley PEx Rookie ⭐
    hey TS, i enjoyed reading your story, ganda pa ng pagkakasalaysay hehe.

    swerte mo sa family mo and i'm happy for you na natanggap ka naman agad nila :)

    sorry to ask this pero gusto ko lang i-confirm.. so you're a bi? pwede sa girl, pwede sa boy?

    anyway keep the stories coming! and good luck sayo. sana maging masaya ka palagi ;) kaso ang lungkot ata nung latest posts mo ha. i hope everything's alright.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    ^ Fluid. For now, I'm more on attracted to guys. There are times that I am more attracted to girls. I don't know how to explain but that's the simplest way I can put things.

    Okay lang mag-reply pero I'm not craving for attention. Kailangan ko lang ng medium for release where I can keep track of what I've been through so far.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    It's the first day of the year. Is January 1 a reset button or the only difference it makes is the date we write on important documents?

    Happy New Year!
  • yestoyesto Administrator PEx Admin
    Happy New Year!
  • AkoSiShirleyAkoSiShirley PEx Rookie ⭐
    ^ Fluid. For now, I'm more on attracted to guys. There are times that I am more attracted to girls. I don't know how to explain but that's the simplest way I can put things.

    Okay lang mag-reply pero I'm not craving for attention. Kailangan ko lang ng medium for release where I can keep track of what I've been through so far.

    Thanks sa pag-explain. I didn't get the papansin vibe at all from you so don't worry. Di naman ako magreply dito kung tingin ko papansin ka lang. Medyo trip ko lang din makipag-usap since this kind of story is new to me, wala akong nakakausap na ganito situation at madami akong natututunan.

    Re: new year nakaka-encourage lang siguro feeling new beginning dahil new year. Pero di naman kelangan ng new year if you wanna reset you can do it anytime you want. Mahirap but doable. Opinion ko lang hehe :hiya:

    Happy new year!
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    When I embraced the fact that I am attracted to guys, I decided to keep the fact to myself. Pain was an essential ingredient of acceptance but I was not ready for it. Then, I was only nearing legal age and the thought of exposing my vulnerability amid a sea of alpha is tantamount to suicide. Sure, there will be friends who, I'm sure, will understand what I was going through but there are friends who will need time to swallow the memo I was unwilling to share.

    Friends, in an ideal world, will accept you for who you are despite and in spite of what they believe in. It is different in the real world however especially those who are brought up differently. It may be a test of friendship but ultimately it us the understanding that they too, the human that they are, will need time to process the news you have for them. We cannot demand our friends to turn away from the beliefs overnight, whether wrongful or not in your standards, forged by years of (in)experience. It is also the same understanding that is expected of us to believe that one day they will see through whatever fallacies they were brought up with. It is unfair to coerce them, whether by force or reason, something that is structured within their moral values and personal dignity. It is only in this kind of viewpoint I want to see the development of the society in their own vantage point towards the likes of me.

    Whenever I see pictures of some of my not-really-close-but-facebook-chat-speaking-terms friends joining the Gay Pride, I can't help but be proud of them but at the same time uncomfortable. It's hard to reconcile these two feelings.

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    In the spirit of feminism, I always believed that to truly achieved equality, no sex must be attributed as the David to the other's Goliath. In a crammed up commute for example, I feel like there's no need to give women special treatment and that the divide weakens the argument towards equality. Chivalry has no place in an egalitarian society. It is in the same way that those who have preferences for the same sex or those who identify differently need not demand for a special treatment. Case in point: I would be appalled if all of a sudden the government issues a "third" restroom for biological males who identify as females and vice versa.

    In the pride parade, more often than not, participants are only being objectified. The fabulous extravagance is often misconstrued as some form of variety show for entertainment especially that stand-up comedy, at least in the Philippines, is known to be gay guy's bailiwick. It is perfectly alright to lobby for a cause but it must be strapped up with a solid ideology that's not just an exhibition of extravagance and glittering nonsense. The freedom to express one's identity should not only be in a parade of rainbow but in every way everyday.

    In the annual Oblation run, how many of those who witnessed the annual parade of male glory went there because they believed in what these naked young men were fighting for? Many surely attended the Oblation run because of it's novelty and not because of the voices that decry national issues. In the same standard, how many of those who participated in the run know what they are fighting for. All bark, no bite.

    Take this from someone who are generally opposed to demonstration. Change does not happen because of annual parade of colorful personalities; change comes from within.


    Pride.

    n., a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct.

    Pinoy Pride Chicken.

    Ang Pilipinas ay isang bansang nagsusumikap makaahon mula sa kahirapan na tinatamasa ng karamihan sa mamayan nito. Ang karamihan sa atin ay may payak na pamumuhay. Saksi ang kasaysayan sa ilang dayuhang mananakop na umangkin sa ating bansa sa humigit kumulang 400 na taon. Higit na kaiba sa ibang bansa dahil sa maka-Kanluraning paniniwala, ang Pilipinas na siguro ang pinaka-hindi Silangan sa lahat ng bansa sa Timog-Silangan. Hanggang ngayon ramdam pa din natin ang epekto ng kultura ng dayuhang mananakop dahil sa edukasyong pinamana nila sa atin. Dahil dito, tila bagang mayroon tayong pagnanais na patunayan ang ating sarili laban sa Kanlurang ama ni Juan dela Cruz.

    Halos buong bayan ang nagdidiwang sa maliliit na panalo sa larangan ng palakasan, o di kaya'y sa mga timpalak ng pag-awit o pagsayaw, o maging sa pagandahan ng mga dalaga ng buong kalawakan. Hindi nga ba't tuwang-tuwa na tayo sa apat na sunod na pagkapasok ng ating kandidata sa Miss Universe na isang timpalak na gawa ng tiga-Estados Unidos.


    Gay Pride Detergent

    Sabi nila ang Miss Universe na daw ang World Cup para sa mga bading. Kung susuriin, karamihan sa sumusbaybay dito ay mga bading na lalo pang pinatunayan ng isang video na kumalat sa internet na nagpapakita sa ibang klaseng tuwa na naramdaman ng apat na bading sa pagkakasali ni Venus Raj sa Top 16.

    Hindi ako naghuhugas kamay pero gaano na nga ba kalalim sa kamalayan ng mga bading ang halaga ng pagkakapantay-pantay. May malalim na bang pagsusuri ang mga ito sa ganitong kamalayan? Dito daw pumapasok ang Pride Parade para magising ang kamalayan ng mga bading hinggil sa pagtuturing sa kanila. Ngunit ito ba'y sapat na. Masarap maging malaya sa mundong mapang-alipusta ngunit kakatwang isipin na para sa marami ang paghahalikan ng dalawang lalake ay isang pag-aaliw lamang. Hindi malay ang Filipino dahil hindi balot sa tamang ideolohiya ang pagpapakitang ito na ang bading ay tao din na may karapatan.
    [#]Flamboyance[/#]
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    All the leverage I have just evaporated over this Christmas weekend. I wonder if the Christmas Grinch came to be in this season of plastered joy and commercialized expression of love. Green with envy; just like the Grinch. Was I fated to be Scrooge?

    Now I understand where all the Nicole's, where all the Yvonne's, Marilyn Monroe's, Leann Rimes' are all coming from. It's not just a case of the right love at the wrong time but a case of being unable to fight for the person the love because the monogamous society dictates that you are just some evil wicked mistress, other woman or in my case the miserable third party.

    I always ask where I stand or if I have earned myself a rightful space in your heart. Or all our sweet nothings, our promises are my imaginings? Should I wait that one day you'll find the courage to do what's best and actually choose? Or maybe you have made your choice ten years ago, when I was just thirteen, unripe for a teenage boy, high school greenhorn, hell-bent on getting good grades in a prominent high school?

    I always ask, why? Why did I meet you if you were to be taken away from me? I don't plan to steal you from him but at least have the guts to ditch me if our three years won't hold water to his ten with you?

    You're 45. I'm 23; a little over half your age, the riskier choice. Young and good-looking, many say. At times I am immature and I am the unkind one, the unworthy choice, very volatile, crazy, spontaneous, but thoughtful, meaningful and loving.

    When I was a kid I dreamt of a good story for my life but as I grew up, harsh realities will never permit for a Cinderella story to happen in real life. Even Marian, once had to contend with Karylle over DIngdong's heart but it all paid off, did it? Or am I daydreaming? Are my imaginations my weakness when it was supposed to be my strength?

    I met your mom; he liked me. I met everyone in the family and I was sure they liked me. I met your friends, many liked me. Now that I want to escape from you and from your indecision, I am trapped. The vines of your loved ones tied me to a cross I no longer want to bear. It's hard to just disappear without any explanation.

    This is really your fault. What I thought was just the usual hook-up turned to dates turned to this, the inexplicable, inescapable relationship that we have. This would not have happened if you told me affront that you are with someone and that you were nearing a decade then or maybe after we had our first sex. I would have stricken you off the list had I known from the beginning.

    Why? Why did you let me fall for you? Why did you not tell me that you're as good as engaged?

    How can David defeat Goliath, when David is now at the ire of the societal norms? David has grown weak moreso in this very cold Christmas weather. The longing, the missing, the pictures... the goddamn pictures that I will never be present in.

    We see each other almost every waking day even if he's here but not one photo bore our faces. You forbid anyone who would take pictures of both of us because you are aware of the reaction of your long-time friends and him.

    When I thought I was already feeling okay, I will find myself staring at a picture posted by your cousin (the only leverage I have over him) projecting him with your nephew (who constantly looked for me). I was crying before I know it. The pain is real. I'm no longer just using you to forget my ex-gf especially when I first learned about our age disparity.

    I hate this pain. It destroys my sanity. It becomes unbearable and most of all, it makes me feel human.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Every time I see a mirror, I take a peep almost exclusively just to check my eyes. I figured that if I have to play charades I have to look the part and be believable. For many years, I trained my eyes to lie and to pull down a curtain inside the windows to shield my soul. I realized that I have pulled off this trick long enough for it to be conceived as a talent.

    [#]CountingLeaping[/#] [#]TheStageIsSet[/#]
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Three years ago, while I was making my usual trip in different malls to check on our Sales rep as part of my job, I would occasionally be meeting strangers, both men and women. Needless to say, we exchanged numbers before exchanging bodily fluids that same day. Same arrangement for those whom I have met in parties, trips and night-outs. Whenever I check my phone list, it's now normal to see many names where I can no longer put mental pictures to. It was just the way it's supposed to be: just one night of pleasure. This is the cardinal rule to hook-ups.:

    Never fall in love.

    There's no good being attracted to someone temporary after a temporary union. Better if you don't have to remember their names to prevent any awkward greetings if you happen to come across the person one of these days. Once the deed is done, it's done. When the daylight comes, you have to go. You don't look back. You don't send another text. Bury the person's number on the myriad of contacts in your phone list.

    This is all because it's always the first one to fall, will be the first one to lose. Hook-ups, one night stand is a game. A lot of people play this game without truly knowing its rules. Any player who doesn't know the rules end up losing in the end. This game is not for those who have weak hearts because it can destroy one into an almost irreparable being. Not a lot of people realized this consequence and play the game anyway.

    I have known that rule but I took a different but dangerous strategy. After the sex part, comes the friend card. I always set the rules that there's no strings attached but we can be friends. I was a Marketing guy for a realty firm so every hook up is an opportunity to expand my network's reach. This is how you get them hooked: people tend to agree to a one night stand to be touched physically and somehow emotionally. The feeling of being with someone whose appendages are around us offers a strong but temporary feeling of completeness. As a consequence, people crave for this kind of feeling. It's more than the libog; it is the satisfaction of being touched by a stranger, that someone who does not have a stake in our lives. The seeming simplicity of its allure is its come on factor but the truth is this thirst will only give rise to unwanted consequences.

    Having met a lot of people in my life in the university, I am aware of the rules and I was convinced I could play the game as good as anyone. I know how to brand myself when talking to someone I want to sleep with. Barney Stintson would be proud of me. I could even offer co-authorship if only to fill him in with my own strategy only this time with a different target market: the men. I know how to role-play a little when necessary and I have formed the skill of assessing my prey before I pounced on their meat. You don't have to be good-looking to get the freshest stock in the market.

    I was so good at it that I have met many people with varying age, height and nationality. It was like a celebration of my youth, an affirmation of my manhood and a boost to my pride. One day everything was going to change.

    I was nearly-done with my rounds at the different Ayala malls when I decided to take a quick lunch at Gateway to get my "usual fill". I decided to check out the value of my "stocks", so I went to the cinema section while feasting on my sandwich. Out of the many people circling the rails, I caught the eyes of this one tall guy and we stared long enough for him to get the signal to approach me and get my number to which I obliged. He's good-looking but I was debating to myself how old he is because he could both look both old and young. I ended my musings by asking for his age.

    "29" he said. I was just 20 so I figured that 9 years would still make him fall under the "still fresh" category. He looks good but I was attracted to his height which was a quarter of an inch short from six feet. (Well deep inside I wanted his height because I feel undersized whenever I play ball)

    He was friendly and offered to eat lunch together which was new because lunch or any form of dates was never part of the hook-up buffet package. It should just be sex but I put all the details about him that I have learned so far so I figured that he qualifies for the "principal sponsor" category. He rents an apartment but he owns a house in Batangas. So I decided to play along by exposing the only chink in my armor and the real reason why I played the game: Mitch.

    Mitch was my almost-two-year girlfriend. I loved her so much but she had to migrate to Canada. It broke me; no, it destroyed me. We spoke only twice since.

    In order to get the tall guy hooked, I told him my story. I let myself to be vulnerable in front of him. I showed him that I am capable of loving someone so deeply enough to let it leave a deep scar on me. I was so proud of myself that I was able to accomplish this without sounding creepy and clingy.

    (As a tip from someone who played the game, gay guys tend to be attracted to someone who is scarred and vulnerable especially if the affection involves a girl. It makes you appear in touch with your emotions but at the same very masculine.)

    He was listening intently to my every word and at the back of my mind, I'm already congratulating myself. The lunch was his treat and we decided to meet the next day since he has a meeting with an important client. I went home chalking a goal to my score card. That night he called twice. I decided not to answer both times as part of the plan. (You don't give out your cards just yet) I called him first thing in the morning, feigning an apology for missing his calls. He wanted me to come over to his place in Pasay. I purposely hinted the reluctance on my response to his invitation.

    I went to his place and we did the deed. He invited me to swim on his friends' condo. It was a weekend and I had nothing planned so I agreed and took it as an opportunity to forward my plans. So when we got there, he told me a little more about himself, about his former job and about his mom. On my part, I gave him a glimpse of my life. I offered him friendship which he took well. On my mind, it was already a hat trick.

    It was already getting late but I enjoyed the company of him and his friends'. When I checked my phone, I saw a missed call me from my mom which signaled that it was time for me to head back home. He stayed there and I had to make up some lies because I figured he wouldn't let me go home. It was a good day, I thought.

    Three days after, he called. He asked me if we could see each other but I told him that I was unwell which was of course a lie as I have made plans with someone else. I told him that maybe the weekend might be a better idea.

    Weekend came and he called again. I was expecting his call so I purposely blocked off that date to see him. He asked me if we could go to bars and since I loved parties, I agreed. I went to his place first but I was already neat-looking with my get-up so there was no part two. I have had cases of second meet-ups before so I know how to dodge a second attempt at sex in accordance to rule number two.

    You only have sex once.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    ^Naiinis pa din ako kasi less than half yan ng ginawa ko and then wala palang net, I hit send and then everything was lost. HUHU.
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    What if the only man you've ever loved is unfortunately taken?
  • yestoyesto Administrator PEx Admin
    What if the only man you've ever loved is unfortunately taken?

    Continue loving him. Just find the strength to have it in a different form :) Painful it may seems but you will always have the choice. Love him still or not love him at all ;)
  • strandedstrangerstrandedstranger PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    ^Hoy pwede naman sa ibang media atayo mag-usap hahaha
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