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Having a Child/ Children via Surrogacy... My Journey

I've always wanted to have children of my own. Just these past few months, the wives of my three close friends gave birth. Two of them are first time fathers, they're excited and happy. These friends are much younger than I am. I also have former classmates who now have kids in high school.

Of course,I know that having children is not like having toys or gadgets. I have witnessed friends, relatives and people I encounter in my work struggle and deal with their responsibilities as parents. I feel I am ready for the responsibility of being a father, emotionally, financially and mentally. I'm already in my late 30's and I want to be young enough to run after toddler/s and see my kid/s grow up; so it is best to have kid/s as soon as possible.

There are many ways to have children. The most traditional way is to go through the "My Husband's Lover" route, but seeing how the show and how similar relationships in real life have turned out... I don't think I can deal with that kind of charade and hurt a "Lally". I've also seen posts here in AP PEX about married with children guys who dabble in occasional (or frequent?) gay trysts... that's not how I want to live.

Of course, I can always find a girl who'll accept me for who I am, marry me, have my babies and deal with all the complexities, but honestly if a girl with a golden heart like that exists, I feel she deserves to move on and find a better man.

The more politically correct option, if I am going to remain unmarried, is to adopt given that many orphans are out there. Sadly, adoption is not for everyone. I've asked myself... If my adopted kid turns out be a drug addict or a sociopath, will I still unconditionally love him/her? The answer is "I don't know". However, if the same thing (or worse) happens to my biological kid, I am absolutely certain that I will not quit loving him/her. There lies the difference. Adoption is not for me.

The only remaining option is through in-vitro fertilization with surrogacy... questionable from a religious standpoint (just like homosexuality!), medically complicated and very very expensive (yaiks!)... but I've made my decision just last week... I'm going through with it. :D


To be continued...
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Comments

  • gs09gs09 Member PEx Expert 🎖️
    Congratulations! :D I hope you don't mind me asking, but I suppose you've already talked about this with your partner? Kamusta naman daw? :D
  • gs09 wrote: »
    Congratulations! :D I hope you don't mind me asking, but I suppose you've already talked about this with your partner? Kamusta naman daw? :D

    Yes, I've opened up this topic with :love: at the end of last year... but I didn't push through with it immediately (it is not an easy decision), so sometimes he would ask me what happened to my plan. :love: is looking forward to it also, but I am not putting any pressure on him whatsoever. We have a huge age difference and I know that there are still many things that he wants to accomplish, and he may not be ready yet to be a parent. So I'll go through with this now (since time is running out for me), and :love:'s participation in the surrogacy process and in raising the kid/s (since having twins is a possibility) will be based on what he is willing and ready to do now or in the future. Although now he is already thinking of enrolling my yet unconceived kid/s in some kind of art, music or foreign language class. :lol:

    Kaya "My Journey" yung nakalagay sa title... kasi the surrogacy process is tiring, frustrating, emotionally and financially draining... and I'm prepared to deal with all of that... and I don't want anyone else to share in those "pains". I don't even plan to tell my parents or any of my closest friends until after the fact na.... pero siyempre pag meron ng baby/babies at "joy" phase na eh pwede nang sumali lahat :D
  • gs09gs09 Member PEx Expert 🎖️
    Yes, I've opened up this topic with :love: at the end of last year... but I didn't push through with it immediately (it is not an easy decision), so sometimes he would ask me what happened to my plan. :love: is looking forward to it also, but I am not putting any pressure on him whatsoever. We have a huge age difference and I know that there are still many things that he wants to accomplish, and he may not be ready yet to be a parent. So I'll go through with this now (since time is running out for me), and :love:'s participation in the surrogacy process and in raising the kid/s (since having twins is a possibility) will be based on what he is willing and ready to do now or in the future. Although now he is already thinking of enrolling my yet unconceived kid/s in some kind of art, music or foreign language class. :lol:

    Kaya "My Journey" yung nakalagay sa title... kasi the surrogacy process is tiring, frustrating, emotionally and financially draining... and I'm prepared to deal with all of that... and I don't want anyone else to share in those "pains". I don't even plan to tell my parents or any of my closest friends until after the fact na.... pero siyempre pag meron ng baby/babies at "joy" phase na eh pwede nang sumali lahat :D

    It's heartening to know na magkasundo kayo sa bagay na 'to. *okay* I think this is something that most gay people, regardless of age and the readiness to become a parent, think about sometimes. Obviously, having children using the "normal" means is not an option for many of us so I'm glad that you created this thread. Please keep us posted. :D
  • ParkourParkour PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Good luck, CD! I'll watch out for this journey of yours. *okay*

    and btw

    [CROUCHING-TIGER-DISAPPEARING-SPOILER]
    Happy Anniversary sa inyo ni baby mo! :glee: :glee: :glee:

    tumblr_mg9v6vmMCW1rgo9kgo1_250.gif[/CROUCHING-TIGER-DISAPPEARING-SPOILER]
  • Boss cd goodluck! I am inspired by what u set out to do.

    In light peanut gallery conversations with lawyer friends, they unanimously say that dont do this here in the Philippines. Its just that the laws here are in favor of the surrogate mother and in the unlikely event things go sour the mother can get the custody of the child much easier. you can theoretically also be battling a child trafficking case if do the procedure abroad with a foreign surrogate and then bring the kid here. This is because of the lack of definite surrogacy laws they cite,.

    Just my takeaway from those what if talks.

    Still i wish u the best of luck in the journey and hoping for a safe delivery.
  • Boss cd goodluck! I am inspired by what u set out to do.

    In light peanut gallery conversations with lawyer friends, they unanimously say that dont do this here in the Philippines. Its just that the laws here are in favor of the surrogate mother and in the unlikely event things go sour the mother can get the custody of the child much easier. you can theoretically also be battling a child trafficking case if do the procedure abroad with a foreign surrogate and then bring the kid here. This is because of the lack of definite surrogacy laws they cite,.

    Just my takeaway from those what if talks.

    Still i wish u the best of luck in the journey and hoping for a safe delivery.

    I'm not doing it in the Philippines... where surrogates can feel like a "karinderya na bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain" :lol: (although Dina here was both egg donor and surrogate... a definite no no! and hindi pa uso IVF noon kaya natural way nila ginawa ni Edu, nagselos tuloy Ate Vi :lol:)

    *the famous scene (and sound) starts at 0:12*

    And parang impossible mangyari ang IVF with egg donor and surrogacy sa Pinas, eh condom lang nga eh galit na galit na ang CBCP :lol:

    I'm doing it abroad... I'll address those legal issues (although relative to all the other issues with regards to IVF, those are actually the easiest issues to deal with) and other issues in my subsequent posts.

    :D
  • Boss cd ill look forward to reading your posts :)
  • Definition of Terms muna...

    Egg/ Ovum - from the ovary of the mother, must meet with ***** to form the zygote

    ***** - from the testes of the father, must meet with egg to form the zygote

    Fertilized Egg or zygote - contains the genetic material of both father and mother. The one-celled human being

    Fertilization - when ***** and egg forms the zygote

    Gestation - refers to the process of pregnancy, but since pregnancy technically starts from fertilization, the term age of gestation (aog) means the days/weeks after fertilization

    Blastocyst - when the zygote becomes multiple-celled, "ball of cells" stage at 5-6 days post fertilization... this is what implants / or is implanted into the uterus

    Embryo - when the multiple celled zygote has differentiated into different cell lines (although anything past the fertilized egg stage is considered an embryo, so the blastocyst is technically an embryo)... up to 8 weeks aog

    Fetus - the embryo beyond 8 weeks aog
  • Good luck TS, we actually have the same plans, pero napaka complicated talaga nito
  • Good luck TS, we actually have the same plans, pero napaka complicated talaga nito

    Yup, complicated nga talaga... and kailangan prepared ka emotionally dahil may chance na di maging success yung process... or magkaroon ng miscarriage... siyempre ibang level na grief at heartache na iyon :(

    Pero, based on my research, better do it as soon as possible... kasi you'll never know kung biglang magkaroon ng law or rules to make it impossible for single men/ gay couples to avail of it... just like what they did in India, which used to be the haven of affordable (relative to other countries) surrogacy... and where I initially planned to have it... until they closed the door just this year. :(... Of course, the United States will always be open for that... pero sobrang mahal doon!
  • Definition of terms ulit... kasi if you're planning to undergo this or discuss this with doctors, surrogacy agents and others who have undergone, undergoing or will undergo this process, kailangan very familiar ka sa jargon...

    Intended Parent (IP) - can apply to couples or singles, e.g.. intended mother (IM), intended father(IF)... refer to person/s who commission (and will pay for) the IVF and/or surrogacy process... in my case, I will be the IP/IF

    Egg Donor (ED) - the genetic mother, one who provides the ovum... preferably the IM for straight couples, single women or lesbians... but may be a third party if the eggs of the IM are not useable. For single men, gay couples... siyempre third party ang ED :)

    ***** Donor (SD) - the genetic father, one who provides the *****

    Gestational Mother (GM) - one who gets pregnant with the baby... for straight couples, single women and lesbians... preferably the IM is also both the ED and GM... but if this is not possible... they get another woman to be the GM... in which case that woman becomes the surrogate mother (SM) since she is carrying a child for someone else. For single men and gay couples, SM is always necessary siyempre :)


    Kaya this process is usually the most expensive for single men/ gay couples dahil kailangan nila ng ED and SM, both of which are very costly... even kung makahanap ka ng female friends to volunteer as ED and SM... you still have to pay for all the medicines, tests, procedures, etc.

    Only the IM is allowed to be both the ED and GM! If both the ED and GM are third parties... they should never be the same person!. It is very unethical and dangerous legal-wise to make them the same person.

    The rationale is this... the 3rd party donates an egg... but does not become pregnant with that baby... so her bond with the baby is very much minimized... the 3rd party becomes the surrogate... but the child she is carrying does not contain her genetic material, so her bond/connection to the child is also lessened.... lessened enough that she will have no issues giving the baby up to the IP because even if she gave birth to the baby, she knows the baby is not her "true" child. So imagine if the 3rd party ED and GM ay pareho, chaos and drama yan sigurado. Ganyan and nangyari sa famous "Baby M" case.
  • Nabasa ko yung ME na book ni Ricky Martin about his life

    At eto ginawa niya para magkaanak siya:

    He hired 2 women, yung isa kukunan ng egg cell lang then ililipat sa second na babae na magbubuntis at magcacarry ng twin boys niya

    Siguro kaya yun ginawa niya para di siya mahabol ng nanay ng mga anak niya

    Isa pa yung sikat na beki na may nagmamay ari ng perfume naghire siya ng isang russian na babae to carry his child.


    Sa MHL naman yung anak ni Lally at Vincent may classmate na may parents na lesbians, pero sabi ng bata they are not bad people
  • Nabasa ko yung ME na book ni Ricky Martin about his life

    At eto ginawa niya para magkaanak siya:

    He hired 2 women, yung isa kukunan ng egg cell lang then ililipat sa second na babae na magbubuntis at magcacarry ng twin boys niya

    Siguro kaya yun ginawa niya para di siya mahabol ng nanay ng mga anak niya

    Isa pa yung sikat na beki na may nagmamay ari ng perfume naghire siya ng isang russian na babae to carry his child.


    Sa MHL naman yung anak ni Lally at Vincent may classmate na may parents na lesbians, pero sabi ng bata they are not bad people

    I liked how you use the term "hire".... which is actually accurate. If one (or a couple) is going through this process...one has to understand and accept what exactly he/she is doing. There is no sugar coating needed, whether the term is "buying", "hiring", "paying", "transacting" or whatever... it is what it is, just like Anna Dizon is Anna Dizon kumbaga. :lol:

    If there is anything in this process that one feels will violate his/her conscience, then he/she should not proceed. He/she better explore other means to have children. :)
  • ^Some of the processes that may bother one's conscience...

    1. The fact that you will be jerk1ng off in a cup in some room in the clinic, and your baby will come from that.

    2. That you will have to choose the egg donor (ED) na para ka lang namimili ng GRO sa aquarium... in this case eh sa computer ka pipili... and you will pay her for her eggs, and that the genetic mother of your child will come from that process.

    3. In choosing your ED, eh you are in fact "designing" your baby, medyo obvious pag you're choosing ethnicity (as expected Caucasian eggs are in demand and are expensive)... pero even if you don't care about ethnicity, you are still choosing someone based on health, family background, height, weight, appearance, eye color, hair color, temperament, hobbies, educational attainment... so you are still in fact designing your baby.

    4. That your doctor will have to make a lot of embryos, and most of those will not survive... and for those that survive, you have to choose the best ones and discard or freeze away the rest.

    5. That if you decide to have gender selection or genetic analysis, you choose only the embryos that have the gender that you prefer. Embryos with chromosomal abnormalities will be discarded... although you can always have the embryos of your non preferred gender frozen for possible future use... many prefer this para kapatid na buo yung mga magiging susunod na anak kung sakali

    6. Since you will usually implant multiple embryos (usually 2, sometimes 3) to your surrogate and normally only one or two will live to be viable fetuses... there might be a possibility for you to do "embryo reduction" if there is danger to surrogate or a chance of miscarriage if all embryos develop. Although most clinics don't do embryo reduction naman, so they advise you against implanting more than 2 embryos.

    7. That although many surrogate mothers do this to help couples/ singles to have families... most do it for money... and they are usually poor and/or unemployed... so even though you are paying them a lot (half a million pesos upwards), it's not hard to think at the back of your mind na somehow they are being "exploited"... although the upside is that pregnancy is something that they have gone through anyway (surrogates should have a history of previously giving birth before sila ma-hire)... and that the money they will receive will transform their lives and those of their other children/child.

    8. That after the surrogate has given birth, you take away the baby immediately. For ethical reasons, you should not allow the SM to be emotionally attached to the baby and the baby to the SM, kaya hinihiwalay mo agad. In some jurisdictions, for legal purposes, the SM has to execute an affidavit that she doesn't want the baby and she is relinquishing all rights to the baby. In countries with strong surrogacy laws, this is not necessary, since the SM will have no parental rights to begin with.

    9. When your child is old enough and he/she asks you who his/her mother is... you may not be able to provide him/her the identity of the ED and SM... In some jurisdictions, they are supposed to be anonymous, and especially for the ED, will specify in the contract that the IP and child NEVER contacts them even many years into the future... so if your child is going through the "Sino ba talaga ako?" phase, eh medyo mahirap.


    So if there is anything enumerated above that you feel strongly against... eh don't do it!

    :D
  • mars11mars11 引きこもり PEx Icon 🎖️🎖️🎖️
    i saw a feature on Rated K about this where Joel Cruz (local perfume magnate) had twins via surrogacy. he had this done in Russia (talk about the irony) where all procedures done legally. it was done via IVF and then a surrogate mother was hired via an agency or fertility clinic of sorts. after the twins were born, all of their documentations went through legal proceedings before he could take them back to the Philippines. he had paid a hefty sum for the procedure (it was around P1M/child).

    i've also read that there are cheaper alternatives to this in India and Thailand, although i'm not certain about the legality of these transactions (harsh term but it is what it is).

    thought about it myself but i'm not financially ready for this kind of procedure. still exploring all the possibilities though.
  • mars11 wrote: »
    i saw a feature on Rated K about this where Joel Cruz (local perfume magnate) had twins via surrogacy. he had this done in Russia (talk about the irony) where all procedures done legally. it was done via IVF and then a surrogate mother was hired via an agency or fertility clinic of sorts. after the twins were born, all of their documentations went through legal proceedings before he could take them back to the Philippines. he had paid a hefty sum for the procedure (it was around P1M/child).

    i've also read that there are cheaper alternatives to this in India and Thailand, although i'm not certain about the legality of these transactions (harsh term but it is what it is).

    thought about it myself but i'm not financially ready for this kind of procedure. still exploring all the possibilities though.

    Although hindi ako familiar sa specifics nung kay Joel Cruz, I don't think it is exactly Russia, baka more of the former Soviet Republic of Georgia ( many people naman still inaccurately refer to former Soviet republics as "Russia", so I won't hold it against the media for reporting "Russia"). Surrogacy is legal ( and flourishing) in both Georgia and Ukraine, but I think illegal sa Ukraine to be an ED and SM for a single man or gay couple, so that leaves Georgia.

    Surrogacy is very much legal in India... and because of their cheaper prices... it has been the haven of surrogacy for so many years. Other than the US, it was considered best to go to India dahil sa sobrang dami ng cases na nape-perform dun. I was considering India initially kaya lang bigla silang nagpasa ng law just this 2013 to limit surrogacy to straight couples na married for at least two years, so the doors were closed to singles and gay couples.

    There are no surrogacy laws in Thailand. The SM is the mother sa birth certificate (BC). The ***** Donor is the father unless the SM is married, in which case her husband becomes the father sa BC... so usually the SM in Thailand are single moms or divorced. For single males/ gays... Thai law assumes na nagkaanak lang kayo nung SM normally... so for men in this case, there is no need to adopt the baby... the SM will just execute an affidavit that she is relinquishing her parental rights (and usually she really doesn't want the child naman talaga because she is not the genetic mother anyway and that hindi naman niya kayang buhayin... also nakalagay sa kontrata na hindi babayaran ang balanse sa SM without this step).

    For single women, straight couples, lesbians using an SM, adoption is necessary siyempre.

    Usually, the bigger concern of the SM is not in keeping the baby but the risk that the intended father abandons the baby, since by law she will be stuck with the baby.

    :D
  • mars11 wrote: »
    i saw a feature on Rated K about this where Joel Cruz (local perfume magnate) had twins via surrogacy. he had this done in Russia (talk about the irony) where all procedures done legally. it was done via IVF and then a surrogate mother was hired via an agency or fertility clinic of sorts. after the twins were born, all of their documentations went through legal proceedings before he could take them back to the Philippines. he had paid a hefty sum for the procedure (it was around P1M/child).

    i've also read that there are cheaper alternatives to this in India and Thailand, although i'm not certain about the legality of these transactions (harsh term but it is what it is).

    thought about it myself but i'm not financially ready for this kind of procedure. still exploring all the possibilities though.


    Si Joel cruz nga yung binabanggit kung beki na nagkaanak sa russian :lol: di ko alam name niya eh

    Siguro ginawa niya yun para may takapagmana ng business niya


    May consequences din naman talaga at kawawa din yung bata kasi never niya makikilala ang mother or father niya


    Wala ka din idea kung ano ugali ng magdadala ng baby mo baka may sira ang ulo which is scary
  • nathanchunathanchu PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    (singit mode)

    Si Joel Cruz! Nabasa ko yung storya niya noon sa isang magazine sa salon. :hiya:

    t0424marge-surrogate_feat2_1.jpg

    Siya yung may ari nung Aficionado perfume na hindi ko alam kung may bumibili...

    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTUX0oppwEOVyIKDPiZnt-l5rCCyJLwacuwyRXhIN28cCMseq7o

    Ang galing talaga ng mga sinusulong sa medisina. *okay*
  • One of the very popular Surrogacy networks I e-mailed already replied and gave me some Egg Donor (ED) choices... My original plan is to have a Thai ED... since donors will be easily sourced locally where I'm having the process done (less expensive and less time consuming). I'm leaning to have this in Thailand btw. Also, since Thais somewhat resemble Filipinos, the baby will still look Pinoy, and wala masyado magiging tanong ang mga tsismosang kapitbahay :lol::lol:

    Very surreal pala ang pag-browse sa mga potential ED... you get to see their grown up pics and a questionnaire answered by the EDs which details their physical attributes, educational attainment, family history, obstetric history, health history, whether a relative has history of diabetes, high blood, mental illness, etc, whether they have done egg donation before, whether their families/ friends know and approve of what they're planning to do, whether they have objections about donating to certain ethnicities or to gays, etc etc.

    Medyo nasira lang yung orig Thai ED plan ko when they put a South African and a Tunisian in the mix....

    Eto ang part ng profile nung Tunisian

    28 years old, Brown hair, Brown eyes, Arabic ethnicity, 171 cm (around 5'7", matangkad for a girl... gusto ko kasi maging above 6 footer baby ko eh around 6 feet ang height ko so pwede!), wt 63 kgs (138 lbs, though dahil matangkad siya, di naman siya jubis... and ectomorph naman ako so pwede!)

    Hobbies: Travelling, Reading, Writing, Belly Dancing
    (Parang trip ko to ha) :)

    Music: Arabian and French Classics, Opera, Spanish
    (She had me at French Classics, although wala naman akong alam na French classic na music he he)

    Educational Attainment: BBA in Marketing, Business School

    Current Job: Travelling the world as a Travel Blogger
    (Wait... did she just answer Travel Blogger?.... Sold!) :D

    In fairness, maganda rin yung Tunisian :)

    The South African naman is Caucasian, meron sa family nila ang blue eyed although she has brown eyes herself. She has a degree in Photography and Art Design. The downsides are she is only 5'2", medyo majubs and she is a smoker (5 sticks a day).

    Sadly, no one amongst the Thai EDs impressed me (not so much in appearance, meron namang magaganda but dun sa mga ibang bagay like yung mga hobbies and stuff) lalo na nakita ko yung profile nung Tunisian :(

    Ok kaya yung Fil-Tunisian ethnicity? Since I'm planning to have a boy/boys... ampopogi siguro nila :D (although kung maging chaka-bels siya/ sila, ok din lang naman sa akin kasi anak ko naman yun)

    :D
  • KlutzMDKlutzMD PEx Rookie ⭐
    ang alam ko may IVF sa makati med.. :)
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