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How to refrain from being emotionally attached at early stages of a relationship?

Here’s my story, I’m 22 yo and I’ve dated 5 guys; none of them lasted for more than 6 months, yet when it ends, I get so emotionally devastated. Maybe it’s because in the early stages of dating them, I start to like them already since I only entertain guys that I think I would like/has the potential to be my bf; otherwise, I’ll just ignore because I don’t want to waste someone’s time for nothing (“paasahin”).

1st – lasted for 4 months, but I broke up with him because I didn’t see it going anywhere. I was only 17 then and he was my 1st. I was heart-broken so I refrained from entertaining other guys for a year.

2nd - exclusively dated for 3 mos, but turned out that he was a player and dumped me for my close friend. I got so devastated that time, it took me about half a year to get over what him and my friend did (they did not last).

3rd – exclusively dated for 3 months; I was 20 and he was 19. I initiated the “break-up” because of his immaturity. However, I got really hurt after the break-up that I literally begged him to get back with me, but he didn’t want to. He kept saying that he was problematic and I was getting “too attached/too demanding” to him, but it turned out that he went back to Pinas to pursue his lifelong dream – to do music. I was heart-broken and didn’t date other guys for 6 months.

4th – exclusively dated for about 4 months but we were friends for a year. He started to pursue me in the last 4 months that he was here (he moved back to Pinas) after he found out that I wasn’t dating his friend. I entertained the idea because I started to like him, and he was everything I want in a guy – 5 years older, mature, good looking, financially stable/responsible, gentleman and we got along really well. He’s full Chinese, and I’m the first Filipina he ever dated, and he has not dated anyone for 3 years (time he stayed in the US). He never asked me to be his gf, yet he literally asked me if I’d leave US if he can support me there. First 2 mos after he left, we were OK… but after that, we just kept fighting until I was just too hurt but still held on coz I thought I loved him. I didn’t entertain/date anyone coz I had false hopes of him and I getting back together in the future - that was for 8months. It was also when I found out he just had a gf, who’s also Chinese –that was the sign that it was really over and that I had to move on, which I did and after 2 weeks, I met guy #5.

5th –All my 4 ex’s were clean-cut/good-looking except for this one as he’s someone I wouldn’t go for - bad boy image (smokes, drinks, has a tattoo), yet he was really really smart, responsible and funny. His traits interested me so we clicked from day 1. After 3 dates (2 weeks), he told me he liked me. 3rd week, he asked me to be his gf, he said he wanted to take care of me, spend more time with me. He had a 5-yr relationship, and has not dated anyone in a year, until he dated me – so with that, he claims that he’s too old to be playing games (he’s 26). I didn’t give him a direct answer, but we acted like it. Later that week, he kept asking me if I’d still wanna be his gf even if he was too problematic/had depression/mood swings, and I kept telling him that I’ll stand by him. Week 5, he broke up with me – he said he liked me but didn’t want to hurt me like he hurt his ex by dragging me into his problems/spending less time with me because he has a lot to deal with (work and ongoing family problems), he thought he was ready to be in a relationship, but apparently not. He gave me a summary of his problems, and I felt bad for him – really bad, that I want to take care of him even more. It’s been only 2 weeks since we ended, and we haven’t talked. It was literally a short “one-month relationship”, yet I feel so so bad that it had to end. I like him, but don’t love him, yet I still keep thinking about him.

Am I hurting because I get too attached easily in such short periods? Or am I hurting because NONE of these relationships last, knowing that they’re mostly due to reasons beyond my control? Or maybe because I’m just too picky, that I end up picking the WRONG guys ALL THE TIME? :(
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Comments

  • ~gIrLnXtDoOr~~gIrLnXtDoOr~ Washing Ironing F***ing Etc PExer
    your last question got me..
    you said is it because you're too picky that you end up with the wrong guys??

    i mean, (speaking for myself), when i was stil in the "market" i was picky.. because i set a standard and i know what i want... and i did not end up with a wrong guy...

    before you enter a relationship, dapat alam mo kung ano gusto mo..

    you're still young, don't fret...so ask yourself, first of all, do you know what you really want???

    what kind of guy you like? how do you want a guy to treat you? what kind of relationship are you looking for?
    make a list and stick to it....

    regarding your question how not to get too attached in early part of relationship..
    basta take it one day at a time..

    huwag agad masyado magpapaniwala sa mga sinasabi ng lalaki esp pag bago pa kayo(you'll never know kung nambobola lang pala)..

    you'll only know kung totoo lahat ng sinasabi nya sayo through time (i'm talking about years of knowing the guy huh...)

    and sa early stages ng relationship, focus on getting to know each other better *okay*
    and this goes for other ladies out there as well... sana during the early stages, avoid getting physically intimate muna w/ the guy.. give them something to look forward to naman in the long run ;)
  • kreukkreuk amishuuu PExer
    rainbow87 wrote: »
    Or am I hurting because NONE of these relationships last, knowing that they’re mostly due to reasons beyond my control?

    this was the first thing that came to my mind as i was reading your post.

    but... on the brighter side... any rejection is a bruise to the go. so i think it's normal to feel hurt and all.

    but there's something about your personal story. it seems that you don't have problem hooking up with a guy - getting him to date you initially whereas for other people... nobody asks them out. with you may nagkakainterest pero you cannot 'keep' him.

    why kaya?! what's their common complaint?
  • infinite_trialinfinite_trial ♥ Drayer PExer
    mukha pa naman bata si TS when she had those first 3 or 4 relationships. medyo may pattern ng konti yung nakakarelasyon nya, either they were too immature for her or player yung guy.

    i think you want the relationship to last or at least give it another try reason why you get easily attached. since you are still young, if you get into another relationship, enjoy mo lang sya...don't fret or worry if the relationship will last or if the guy is the one. baka naman kasi wala pang problema, minamadali mo na malaman kung may patutunguhan ang relationship o wala. kasi di naman natin masasabi kaagad kung kayo na nga at tatagal ba kayo, araw-araw may madidiskubre kang bago with your partner.
  • purpleheadd07purpleheadd07 Babae po ako ✭✭
    i don't think it's about being attached way too early, attachment with a boyfriend i believe is but normal. what's wrong must be because you expect too much from your relationships, what and who they are. when you eventually get to know them as the relationship progressed you learn that they were not your ideal guys after all, so you break away.

    they are people too, they are not perfect, their moods could change, they have their quirks. how about being openminded for once with these imperfections. being in love and in a relationship won't always bring you great happiness. there are issues and problems that need to be faced too.

    well you're still young, relax. buti nga madami ka ng naka date jan eh. ;)
  • pantone #000pantone #000 Member ✭✭✭
    nakaka-relate ako sayo TS, kaya sorry kung makikibasa lang muna ako sa mga advice ng mga magppost dito. :depressed:
  • pushpoppushpop Half crazy. Half mad. ✭✭✭
    maybe another reason why your relationships end quick and badly is because you jump from one to another too soon, while you're still on the rebound.

    REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK - you're just asking for more heartaches and disappointments. When you're on the rebound kasi, you tend to be needy, and this clouds your judgment. Maybe you went into the relationship because you want to be in a relationship, not because you wanted to be with that particular person.

    Give yourself time to recover from your failed relationships. Then, when you're sure you've gotten rid of all excess baggage, that's the time you start "hunting" again... Good luck! :D
  • altairaltair The Flying Eagle PExer
    to fall in love like crazy and then get hurt is good!
    ups and downs make a roller coaster ride exciting

    happiness (with a particular person) doesn't need to last forever

    you're on the right track
    be happy
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    pushpop wrote: »
    maybe another reason why your relationships end quick and badly is because you jump from one to another too soon, while you're still on the rebound.

    REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK - you're just asking for more heartaches and disappointments. When you're on the rebound kasi, you tend to be needy, and this clouds your judgment. Maybe you went into the relationship because you want to be in a relationship, not because you wanted to be with that particular person.

    Give yourself time to recover from your failed relationships. Then, when you're sure you've gotten rid of all excess baggage, that's the time you start "hunting" again... Good luck! :D

    I don't think these were rebound relationships at all... After every relationship, it takes me months to recover, and when I do, that's when I start dating again, that's why most of them have at least 6 months of recovery before I move on to the next. But you're right though...maybe I just tend to be needy at times, and I'd have to change it.
  • JUST_JTJUST_JT Banned by Admin PExer
    rainbow87 wrote: »
    Am I hurting because I get too attached easily in such short periods? Or am I hurting because NONE of these relationships last, knowing that they’re mostly due to reasons beyond my control? Or maybe because I’m just too picky, that I end up picking the WRONG guys ALL THE TIME? :(

    It's a question of expectations. You should lower your expectations so you don't get hurt that much. Dating should be fun and treated as a learning experience. Just go with the flow, if and when you do break up treat it as just another episode in your life.

    -Just_JT
    Focus.on.positives.and.not.negatives.
  • csmarycsmary Member PExer
    Eto na naman yung lower your expectations advice ni mang jt. Parang recession ha. Can you really do that if you're in love? Tell us how.

    Granted you can really do that, you will still get hurt when the relationship ends. Mas masakit pa nga kasi hindi mo naibuhos ang lahat.
  • Ice BurnIce Burn Conflicting Karma ✭✭
    If you keep getting emotionally attached so early in a relationship then that's your persona. :shrug: Besides everyone does get emotionally attached (in varrying levels) in a relationship no matter how early it is. What do you expect in entering into a relationship? If you keep expecting a Happily Ever After than you are bound to be emotionally hurt every single time you end a relationship. Take relationships in stride and keep in mind that they may or may not work. It sucks and it hurts if they don't work but at least if you have that mindset, it won't be too bad because you didn't set yourself with the expectation of a happily ever after.
    kreuk wrote: »
    with you may nagkakainterest pero you cannot 'keep' him.

    why kaya?! what's their common complaint?

    Yeah I agree with this. Aks yourself this questions. What are you doing that the relationship keeps turning sour? Are you a total bitch that no guy wants to commit in a long term relationship with you? After all, you can't keep blaming the guys if you keep having one short term relationship after the other. Remember it takes two to tango.
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    kreuk wrote: »
    this was the first thing that came to my mind as i was reading your post.

    but... on the brighter side... any rejection is a bruise to the go. so i think it's normal to feel hurt and all.

    but there's something about your personal story. it seems that you don't have problem hooking up with a guy - getting him to date you initially whereas for other people... nobody asks them out. with you may nagkakainterest pero you cannot 'keep' him.

    why kaya?! what's their common complaint?

    this is when "quality is better than quantity" kicks in *sigh* they don't really have any common complaint about me, I mean, the 1st guy I went out with, we were young..2nd was a player.. 3rd and 4th, they went out of the country... and 5th had personal problems/depression... Hmm..the only bad thing I can think of is that the 3rd guy told me that he was pressured that time we were together because I was too demanding and didn't understand his problems/homesickness, which I admit kase we were getting too physical already, yet he wouldn't ask me to be his gf...also the 4th and 5th guy kept telling me na I'm masungit/suplada at times.. which I think is normal and some guys like that pa nga eh... the 4th guy, we never fought when we were together, but he told me when we got "malabo na" na di ako nagpapatalo sa mga away, na I keep thinking na I'm always right, etc (which is a totally different story naman, kase we were separated na that time)
  • Ice BurnIce Burn Conflicting Karma ✭✭
    Quick question. You say you "dated" them. Are you using the term loosely? Did any of them become your boyfriend?
  • blue_tracerblue_tracer soundscapes ✭✭✭
    emotional attachment.. it's normal.

    napipigilan sa una, to a certain extent dahil sa reigning pa ang logic natin.. pero eventually, darating din talaga yan. halus lahat naman ng tao, tinatamaan nito. depende na lang papano niya eto control.

    mag pause ka muna.. sunod-sunod ang relationship mo na para bang may hinahabol kang quota.. :hiya:

    hindi paramihan yan. bata ka pa.. kaya valid yun advice nila dito na huwag kang magmadali.

    baka nga di mo pa masyado na-a absorb ang mga previous na nangyari, pasok ka na naman ng bago.

    kumbaga 'detoxify' mo muna sarili mo sa mga trauma na ito.. mag relax ka muna at mag enjoy sa mga iba't-ibang pagkakaabalahan at mga lakads/gimiks.

    tsambahan lang minsan sa love at partner: puwedeng madali kang maging emotionally attached/dependent.. ok lang yun kung ang nahanap mung guy understanding, broad minded, at patient..etc. eh papano kung hindi?

    hindi ka mase-zero. babae ka, maraming guys pa rin lalapit sa iyo in the future. hintay ka na lang muna kaunti, until mas mature ka na bago ulit pumasok sa isang serious relationship ulit.
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    your last question got me..
    you said is it because you're too picky that you end up with the wrong guys??

    i mean, (speaking for myself), when i was stil in the "market" i was picky.. because i set a standard and i know what i want... and i did not end up with a wrong guy...

    before you enter a relationship, dapat alam mo kung ano gusto mo..

    you're still young, don't fret...so ask yourself, first of all, do you know what you really want???

    what kind of guy you like? how do you want a guy to treat you? what kind of relationship are you looking for?
    make a list and stick to it....

    r

    I'm picky in such a way that I would only entertain the guys that I think have the "potential", which is bad pero kase for me, ayokong nagpapaasa ng guys if from the start alam kong wala naman silang pag-asa, and I don't wanna waste their time din:( when I was younger, I admit that I only entertained good-looking guys, kaya naman kinarma ako di ba:mecry:...
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    regarding your question how not to get too attached in early part of relationship..
    basta take it one day at a time..

    huwag agad masyado magpapaniwala sa mga sinasabi ng lalaki esp pag bago pa kayo(you'll never know kung nambobola lang pala)..

    you'll only know kung totoo lahat ng sinasabi nya sayo through time (i'm talking about years of knowing the guy huh...)

    and sa early stages ng relationship, focus on getting to know each other better *okay*
    and this goes for other ladies out there as well... sana during the early stages, avoid getting physically intimate muna w/ the guy.. give them something to look forward to naman in the long run ;)

    I think medyo gullible din ako..agad nagpapaniwala sa mga sinasabi nila, kaya in the end, I expect too much based on what they tell me...like that 4th guy, kahit na super matino siya, I don't know why I actually believed him when he asked me if I'd marry him and be with him, basta umuwi ako sa pinas for him and he'd support me etc dahil well-off siya... HAY... :bop:

    avoid getting physically intimate muna w/ the guy..
    isn't this normal these days? like in the early stages of dating, you get intimate before you even become official? i.e., hold hands, kiss...hmm... I thought this was the "norm"
  • Ice BurnIce Burn Conflicting Karma ✭✭
    By you saying you entertain guys who have the "potential" to be your boyfriend, so none of these guys have been your boyfriend??? :confused:

    If so, why are you getting this emotionally attached to guys who aren't even in a "real" relationship with you.
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    Ice Burn wrote: »
    Quick question. You say you "dated" them. Are you using the term loosely? Did any of them become your boyfriend?

    What I meant with "dated" is exclusively date or MU... not just date like going out casually on dates.. the 1st became my boyfriend, the 2nd we exclusively dated.. 3rd, we were MU/exclusively dated/'almost bf-gf'... 4th, we were MU/exclusively dated kase there's no point of us being 'together' since he was leaving... 5th naman, he asked me to be his gf, then one week later he got too problematic/depressed and ended it...
  • infinite_trialinfinite_trial ♥ Drayer PExer
    so ang drama pala, este dilemma, ay fubus that don't last :glee:
  • rainbow87rainbow87 Member PExer
    Ice Burn wrote: »
    By you saying you entertain guys who have the "potential" to be your boyfriend, so none of these guys have been your boyfriend??? :confused:

    If so, why are you getting this emotionally attached to guys who aren't even in a "real" relationship with you.

    what I meant with entertain those with "potential", meaning... if 2 guys ask me out at the same time, I'll go with guy #1 who has the potential, meaning he has the qualities that I'm looking for in a guy...so from there if keep talking and spend more time with each other, we would start dating exclusively/MU/be my bf or what not

    hmm... di ba "real" relationship mga yon? :(
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