15 years old, so much in love

I have a 15 year old son who's so madly in love with a certain girl (let's call her Julia) and it has created a very chaotic situation in our family.

He does nothing but text and call her all day, and everyday, and this has affected his studies. This had been going for weeks. This was very irritating for us. And after one big sermon, he promised to mend his ways; to lessen his texting and phone sessions. And he abided.

One day, out of curiosity, my wife inspected my son's cellphone inbox while he was in school. To her shock, the messages from the girl contained sexually explicit contents and described what they are going to do when they meet. When my son came back from school, my wife and son had a big shouting and crying match and with that, I hurt my boy (who is almost as big as me) physically. We confiscated his cellphone. And when things calmed a bit, he promised to cut any communication with the girl.

Not content, my wife called up some of my son's female friends and she learned that Julia is so in love with our son that she is willing to give her body if needed. After that, my wife called up Julia telling her to stay away from our son, because we read her sexually explicit messages.

For a while we thought our problem was over. He was his usual "telebabad" self, talking to friends, not Julia as he says. But the way he talks on the phone, its different. I kept my suspicions to myself.

One day he dressed up. He told us he's going to buy some school supplies at a nearby bookstore. Not trusting him, my wife told him that she's going with him. He made up all sorts of excuses so my wife would not come with him. I told him, "Ok, I will buy those supplies myself!!" He insisted that he does it himself. I told him, "Once you get out that door, DON'T COME BACK!" When things calmed down a bit and when our attention was diverted, he bolted out the door.

We locked all the doors. "This would serve as a bitter lesson for him!", I said. When he came back, he almost knocked down the door and pleading repeatedly, "MOMMY!! PAPA!! HINDI NAKO UULIT!! This went on for hours and we weren't able to sleep. Just so he could learn a lesson.

After about 4 hours we finally let him in. Another long sermon and physical punishment. Crying. Drama.

Our sermon had these messages: We love you that's why we are doing this. You're too young. Your future is at stake. There is a time for everything. It hurt's us more than it hurts you. We're afraid you'd get her pregnant (whatever assurance he gives us, we all know what could happen). We are a poor family. We cannot afford another two mouths to feed. Your father's salary is not even enough for us. Maawa ka sa mga magulang mo. Naaawa rin kami sayo pero kailangang gawin namin ito. If you can't abide by our rules, then you have no choice but to leave. We still have a daughter to take care of that we also love. But we can't guard you all the time and concentrate on nothing else but you. We need to trust you but you can't show us that we can trust you. If you keep on going on like this, we don't know how our love for you will last. We distrust your every move. Your papa and I have become nervous wrecks because of you. More of this and something might happen to us. We're not young anymore.

Now all of his privileges are gone. No cellphone, no landline, no internet. Although slowly after a few months we've been letting him use these facilities again but not as freely as before. We just turn a blind eye. And as long as we know where he's going.. the time limit from school is strictly enforced with an iron hand.

Basically he's a good boy. Respectful, helpful with housework, loving. But his relationship with Julia has made a monster out of him.

We love our children to death. Inasmuch as we would like him to be happy with that girl, we are so fearful of an unwanted pregnancy. Those sexual text messages shook us up.

I would like my children to roam free in the paradise called Youth, but that is not meant to be.

Reading your posts, most of you still have very young children. Cherish every second with them because time will come when they will be 15 year-olds, raring to try out their undeveloped wings. Indeed, adolescence is a very critical time for most families.

I'm only 45 and it seems that I have already forgotten how it's like to be young and carefree.

:mecry::mecry:
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Comments

  • cHinagrLcHinagrL girl next door PExer
    Oh shoot... You just made me realize why my parents were so strict with me before.. And I used to hate them for that.

    My suggestion is, engage your kid in some sports so that he has something to divert his attention to.
  • Wala siyang hilig sa sports eh. I'd like him to take up boxing pero ayaw ng nanay niya. But he's into music and has a band. He's a good guitar player. The problem is, his band mates are not exactly the crowd you want your son to be with.
  • hoovenhooven Member PExer
    hirap nga ng may teenager... iyong anak kong babae nagka-boyfriend ng di namin nalaman... thru thorough cleaning lang ng room niya - eh burara- lumabas ang 'sort of confession' letter sa friend niya.... tapos, hinarap ko rin siya... ang sabi ko - sobra ba niyang mahal ang mga lalaking iyon para magsinungaling sa amin... andami kong nasabi sa kanya.. sobrang naapektuhan ako eh... ang last na nasabi ko sa anak ko - if she thinks mas matimbang at worth it iyong guy - go for him and damn this guy... tapos lumabas ako para sunduin iyong isa ko pang anak... and then when I got back sabi niya - nakipag-break na siya.... that was in one afternoon lang... tinanong ko nga siya - paano niya ginawa - ang sagot eh thru phone lang... tingin ko overreact yata ako pero di ko maalis na di siya kausapin tungkol sa pagbo-boyfriend ng bata... she's only 13 yrs old... alam naman nating mapusok ang kabataan ngayon... we want her to finish her education... ng walang anak or di nagalaw nga kung sinuman... sobrang protective ako na wag munang mag-boyfriend... pero iyong tatay naman niya okay lang mag-bf siya... isa pang issue kaya kailangang i-settle pa... prayers nalang ang katapat talaga and communication ... although I always ask my daughter about her activities and friends... inilalayo ko sa mga batang may bf na para naman di mag-wonder ang anak about her not having a boyfriend/relationship.... paminsan-minsan sinusundo ko rin from her school...
  • CoolCucumberCoolCucumber HEALTH.FREAK.WANNABE. PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    Nakakatakot talaga ang magkaro'n ng anak na teenager... kung lalaki ang anak mo, baka makabuntis. Kung babae naman, baka mabuntis.

    Naiisip ko tuloy na ang susuwerte ng mga magulang ko sa 'min. 26 na 'ko at never pa 'kong nagka-bf. Mga kapatid kong lalaki na sumunod sa 'kin wala ring hilig sa babae [puro DOTA lang :lol:]. 'Yung bunso naman naming babae, behaved naman din.

    And that's the problem with child-rearing talaga, you just don't know if you're doing the right thing or not. Kung masyado kang strict, magrerebelde. Kung hindi ka naman ganun baka kung ano na ang mangyari sa anak mo. Hay, the dilemmas of the parents...


    :rpflag:
  • DELISYUSDELISYUS Only 15% Lesbian PExer
    ugh.... when i think of what i put my parents through, I can only really pray that my own kids will be gentler with me.....

    wala akong super duper advice... one way works for some families, while in others don't...

    but this much I will say... aside from saying NO to your son, make sure you always explain to him why it's a NO... and give him things he can say YES to (help him see the bigger picture, ika nga)

    do not just tell him na what if mabuntis nya... kasi few kids/teeners ever really get that it can happen to them (lalo na if they've never fully consummated their love... hindi nila maiisip na they, in fact, CAN lose control and forget and all that ****)... explain kung pano sya mapupunta sa position na makakabuntis sya... bring up the fact na sexually explicit na yung exchanges nila... na yung same kapusukan nya na tumakas ng bahay will be the same kapusukan that will make them get it on pag may chance (like walang tao, or they have enough money to check in a motel... just to talk... just to be alone... just to hold each other and wonder why their parents cannot understand them)

    and it's but right na your son nga has to earn your respect again...

    but never ever give up on him.... he needs you guys the most now... don't 'give up/ ha, not 'give in' :)

    and really, good luck.... i am only beginning to see how parents must really hurt and worry for their kids...
  • ivoryfaye11ivoryfaye11 Member PExer
    hmmmm.. im only 17.. sobrang strict din ng papa ko about my realtionship with my boyfriend.. pero di ba po mas maganda kung open na lang? ang hinaing ko naman, sana po may tiwala sa amin ang mga parents.. kasi po kapag mas naghihigpit po, mas lalong gusto namin kumawala..
  • Ice BurnIce Burn Conflicting Karma PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    I'm not exactly the best person to give parenting advice because I have a young son and another on the way so I can't really give any firsthand teenage rearing advice but this makes me reflect on my teen years.

    I had a boyfriend when I was 15. I kept it from my parents. They probably had an idea that he was my boyfriend but I didn't admit it till we were 17. :lol: I was pretty rebellious. Buti nga your son nagmakaawa pang bumalik eh. Ako, I ran away when I was 16 and disappeared for 3 days. Kusa lang akong bumalik when I got wind that my parents put a police watch out for me. The more my parents tried to forbid me, eh di the more ako nag-insist and i was always lamenting on the fact that my parents do not understand me, yada-yada etc..So you can tell that I put my parents through a lot of headaches.

    I also shared your post with my husband. Hubs grew up in the US so he has a westernized thinking on your teenage boy. Now hubs moved away from his dad's house and was completely on his own at the age of 16. He took odd jobs to support himself and put himself through university. He has an interesting take on your case. He says the problem is many Filipino families baby their kids too much that when they hit their teen years, they're still treated like little kids that when they actually start asserting their independence and exploring their sexuality, it's seen as a disobedience and slap to their parents. Hubs thinks that instead of overreacting and grounding your teenage boy like a child, you should be more accepting to the fact that he is growing up and that exploring sexuality is part of his growing up. You cannot shield him forever. It's best to sit down and discuss sex in a frank manner instead of simply telling your boy na what if makabuntis ka yada-yada. No teenager really ever listens to the what ifs. I know that from personal experience...

    My parents never talked about sex with us. It was always taboo. However, I was also very clever. I read a lot. At an early age, before I even started having sex, I knew about artificial birth control, I knew about women's cycles, I knew the other consequences of having sex. I even read through my aunt's medical books and the sight of STDs really really made me cautious about engaging in it. When I actually started having sex, I kept myself protected at all times because I did not want to have a kid and I knew the responsibilities. Not many teens would make the effort I did in keeping myself informed which is why for me, once my kids hit their teen years, as much as it is taboo or embarrassing for them, I will sit down with them and arm them with as much information I can. I cannot restrict them from having sex even if I want to because as I have learned from experience it's better to just be informed.

    My tita, (who is also married to a foreigner) as soon as my cousin's hit puberty, she sat with them, bought them books, discussed birth control everything. (I used to read through the books that were given to them by their parents.) My tita's take on this was that it was better to keep them informed because you'll never know. Both my cousins grew up well informed and made informed choices.

    The impression I got is that you still pretty much see your son as a little boy instead of a boy already growing up to be a man. You found sexually explicit messages, every parent's worst nightmare right? But in a way, wouldn't it have been better to equip your child with proper sex education than to lock your own child and live with the distrust?

    I wouldn't know what's going to happen when my kids hit their teen years but I'm realistic enough to know that once they do hit their teenage years, I have to accept that they are growing up and exploring sexuality is part of it. I know will live in fear that baka makabuntis but I have my own past teenage rebelliousness to reflect on how I should raise them. But one thing's for certain, once they hit puberty, I'm buying those med books with graphic STD pics for them to see. :lol:
  • kim Gkim G Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    I grew in a very restricted environment(now i know it was done out of love).I felt my folks didn't trust,didn't want to be happy and never given the chance to decide for myself and all of that didn't sit well with me hanggang mag mature ako.I promise to myself i will never to that to my kids.My husband and i are grew up in the phil.but my kids are not.As much as i install filipino culture in them,they are canadian.I can not tell them what to do but I can show them a better way.They might not listen to me but I can guide them.Lagi kong pinakikita na I trust them explicitly and they can come to me anytime without me judging them,or sisisihin if they made mistakes.I always tell them, it is okey to make mistakes, after all we human,but do not ever,ever miss the point.Learn from your mistakes. So far it is working....
  • Ice BurnIce Burn Conflicting Karma PEx Influencer ⭐⭐⭐
    And just to add...At least your kid has heterosexual urges. How would you deal with this situation?

    My adopted brother is gay. He's 12. Doesn't want to admit it but we all know he's gay. He loves to dance like the Pussycatdolls, his hobby is making beaded necklaces. His favorite color is pink and purple. And if you check his friendster profile, it's pink, he has quizzes like "how gay are you" and "what kind of girl are you?" Need I say more?

    Oh and did I mention he founded a little club in school called the BFFL--Bestfriends for life but he got overthrown as the president and they changed the name to GFFL--Girlfriends for life. It was either that or Boyfriends for life. And there are currently 25 members. 25 gay 6th grade members???? Geez Claret does produce a lot of gays.

    It irritates the hell out of me whenever I catch him in the act doing little ballet pirouettes and shouting "agua" or "cielo" from that soap Dyosa and for some reason, I always catch him in the act when he thinks no one is looking.

    Last year my mom found his diary with him writing about his two crushes. Both guys. And then we found out na "nanliligaw" sa kanya yung isa niyang crush na highschool. My brother is grade 6 by the way. This boy is giving him gifts and treating him out all the time. My sister confiscated the cellphone she gave him well because of bad grades but you might say some of the messages would've been cute if it came from a girl but it's from a boy.

    This completely pisses my dad off. My dad keeps telling him off for being bading. In fact my dad got so embarrassed when he got summoned to Claret to discuss with the teachers my brother's "vulgar and effeminate" behavior. My mom is like "what can we do eh bading eh. Tanggapin mo na lang".

    If any of my sons turn out like that (sana talaga wag), I really wouldn't know how to deal with it.
  • blankcheckblankcheck Member PExer
    ^naaliw ako sa post mo...years from now, you'll have a good laugh thinking about the GFFL and pirouettes;).

    ive got young kids as well, and im not sure how ill react pag nag-bf/gf na sila...yaikkkkssss!!!
    i was never a rebellious child PERO pag in love ka, you do things na hindi mo akalain na kaya mo:rolleyes:. buti di na ko teenager nung time na in love na in love ako (pero barely out of my teens:bonkself:)
    siguro yon nga, keep an open open relationship...yung hindi sila magtatago sa inyo...tapos i point out nyo unti unti yung mga kapintasan nung gf para ma turn off sya:D
  • kim Gkim G Member PEx Rookie ⭐
    Isn't parenting a job that nothing to compare with?Full of surprises,heartaches,laughter,tears and lifelong accomplishments.kahit ganito ang kapalit,it is still the best job in the world!!
  • tontontonton Let's stop and talk awhile. PExer
    hmmmm.. im only 17.. sobrang strict din ng papa ko about my realtionship with my boyfriend.. pero di ba po mas maganda kung open na lang? ang hinaing ko naman, sana po may tiwala sa amin ang mga parents.. kasi po kapag mas naghihigpit po, mas lalong gusto namin kumawala..

    Magwala ka kung gusto mo ... isipin mo rin naman ang kalagayan ng mga magulang mo. Hindi lang kayo ang dapat maunawaan. Unawain niyo rin sila. WAG PURO PASARAP!! They sacrifice their entire lives so that you can eat and have a good future. Parents could choose to be party goers, drunkards, drug users, and just relegate to the cheapest school available. But no, they chose to work their asses off just so you can post in PEX comfortably. WALA KANG KARAPATANG MAGREBELDE unless siraulo o criminal na talaga ang mga magulang mo na wala na sa tamang isip.

    Magiging magulang ka rin Ivory at mararamdaman mo ang TAKOT na nararamdaman ng mga magulang. Bakit ko sinabing takot? TAKOT NA BAKA MASIRA ANG KINABUKASAN MO.

    Gamitin ko sayo yung old cliche ha..

    PAPUNTA KA PALANG... PABALIK NA SILA!!
  • Li'l SistahLi'l Sistah nappykaye.blogspot.com PEx Veteran ⭐⭐
    TS, my parents did the exact same thing to me when i was about that age. i rebelled. then got pregnant at 16. i now have a daughter who's turning 17 in less than a month. imagine that.

    my take is, it is ok to be strict, but explain further why you need to have restrictions. once you are sure about your son's activities, or even when you suspect that it is beyond the kissing, and hugging (read: s*x), then talk to him about it. equip him with the necessary tools to prevent your worst nightmare. kung baga, don't just sit there, get mad, or worry. take the next step. some people may think you're mad for supplying your son with condoms and material about safe s*x, but in the end, you'll still have your sanity and a little more peace of mind.

    my daughter is a frosh in college, and thank God, she is nowhere like the teen i used to be. :D
  • tontontonton Let's stop and talk awhile. PExer
    Parents of today are more informed than that of yesteryears. Huwag naman nating iassume lagi pag strict ang parents, hindi sila nagpapaliwanag kung bakit.
  • Ice Burn wrote: »
    And just to add...At least your kid has heterosexual urges. How would you deal with this situation?

    My adopted brother is gay. He's 12. Doesn't want to admit it but we all know he's gay. He loves to dance like the Pussycatdolls, his hobby is making beaded necklaces. His favorite color is pink and purple. And if you check his friendster profile, it's pink, he has quizzes like "how gay are you" and "what kind of girl are you?" Need I say more?

    Oh and did I mention he founded a little club in school called the BFFL--Bestfriends for life but he got overthrown as the president and they changed the name to GFFL--Girlfriends for life. It was either that or Boyfriends for life. And there are currently 25 members. 25 gay 6th grade members???? Geez Claret does produce a lot of gays.

    It irritates the hell out of me whenever I catch him in the act doing little ballet pirouettes and shouting "agua" or "cielo" from that soap Dyosa and for some reason, I always catch him in the act when he thinks no one is looking.

    Last year my mom found his diary with him writing about his two crushes. Both guys. And then we found out na "nanliligaw" sa kanya yung isa niyang crush na highschool. My brother is grade 6 by the way. This boy is giving him gifts and treating him out all the time. My sister confiscated the cellphone she gave him well because of bad grades but you might say some of the messages would've been cute if it came from a girl but it's from a boy.

    This completely pisses my dad off. My dad keeps telling him off for being bading. In fact my dad got so embarrassed when he got summoned to Claret to discuss with the teachers my brother's "vulgar and effeminate" behavior. My mom is like "what can we do eh bading eh. Tanggapin mo na lang".

    If any of my sons turn out like that (sana talaga wag), I really wouldn't know how to deal with it.

    Well, that would really test our open-mindedness as parents. We have no choice but to accept. You can't make them into real men. Let his parents look at the positive side. At least hindi siya makakabuntis!;)
  • mulberry_memulberry_me Member PExer
    Hi Balakubak!

    Don't know exactly what to tell, but have you tried getting to know Julia? what about talking to the parents of Julia?

    Hubby and I were that age when we fell in love. And feeling din namin noon we were too ready to be together na. My parents were more than strict so I would really find ways to escape home even at night. Kahit nga JS prom hindi na ako pinag-attend in school. Then one day, hubby's family invited me for lunch in their place. They treated me nicely and made me feel that I am welcome in the family. They even shared dreams with us that after we finished college, we are free to do the choices that we want as a couple. They assured as of their support in our relationship. That gave hubby and I too much relief and comfort that we didn't need to hide na our relationship from them. The parents of hubby also visited my home to get to know my parents. wala akong nagawa noon. I was so scared my parents will over react in front of them. Good thing they were civil naman. And kahit alam ko that they despise the idea of having their daughter in a relationship at a very early age, they stopped becoming the strict parents that they were. They changed their approach by getting to know hubby and by guiding us in our relationship. Instead of us meeting elsewhere, they welcomed the idea of him visiting me at home. Some rules were set but it wasn't a problem to us anymore because we were happy our parents respected our feelings for each other, that is why we respected their advices that much too. Awa ng Diyos, we finished college (note that our parents sent us to college away from home). we enjoyed the early part of our career and settled down at the age of 26.

    what drove us away from getting rebellious? Our parents support and understanding of what hubby and I were both going thru when we were 16.

    Try getting to know Julia and her family. If this child is going through a difficult phase in her family life, maybe you can also be of help to her.
  • Thank you for your inputs mulberry!

    Ok sana kung ganon lang ang situation sis eh. Pero hinde. My wife tried talking to the parents of the girl, but the elder sister shielded her father from us dahil may sakit daw sa puso ang father nila. Kaya clueless yung tatay kung anong nangyayari sa anak niya. Yung mother hindi ko alam kung nasan.

    Mabuti nga mulberry kung good clean fun lang ang habol nila eh. Kaso hinde!! It is clear that THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX! as we have seen from the text messages. Yun ang nakakatakot sis. Malamang matakot ka din kung ganon ang makikita mo sa cellphone ng anak mo diba? Dun lang naman nagkaproblema eh.

    Nakita ko pa nga yung friendster ng babae eh. Parang walang suot na shorts or palda. T-shirt lang yata eh.
  • ShofixtiShofixti Frustrated Painter PExer
    At that age, they think they're old enough to do anything. We all thought that way. We never did like listening to sermons. Trust me when I say that you can never really stop a teenager from doing what he wants. Being strict is not much of a deterent.

    I agree with Ice Burn. I think it's time that he be informed.

    What he needs is a big brother. He will listen more to a person, who is not that much older than him, but whom he can idolize than to a dad that is percieved to be authoritarian. Perhaps a young uncle or a ninong.

    Another thing you can do is make him realize the realities of life. Give him the errand of paying the bills so that he would have an idea of how much it would cost to support a family.

    Just a friendly advice. I was like that at that age.

    :rpflag:
  • ShofixtiShofixti Frustrated Painter PExer
    A followup query:

    At what age do you think your son should learn about sex?

    :rpflag:
  • @ BALAKUBAK: wow! well, if they do really want to have sex, ask him what flavor of condom he wants?:lol:

    seriously, i have two boys ( 7 & 3) and I have no idea how to deal with your situation ,and living in a foreign country adds another worry to me, I mean the environment and the usual upbringing, although hubby was so open that when the boys start puberty, he will always make sure they have condom in their wallet :lol: , since we can't be with them all the time, i think RESPONSIBILITY is the main factor,as long as they know what it means, I think we'll be alright. ( i hope...)

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