I'm a 24 year old guy that's on a quarter life crisis. I need a parental advice.

Guile

I want a more democratic advice from parents in this forum, both from old and young ones here.

I was raised literally single-handedly by mom. My Dad is working abroad all my life so I was honed pretty much under the idealization of my mom, so to speak.

For the first twenty plus (or so) years of my life, I didn't question the manner of which I was raised. It's pretty much the same way of bringing up that other people are being raised by their parents (only that I felt that mine was pushed to the limit) -- heavy emphasis on education, with diminished social life and love life as a drawback to that.

Mom wanted me to be the top student. Her trophy child so to speak.

Consequently, I ended up entering one of the country's premiere university as a result of the way I was brought up.

The feat is something I'm barely able to be proud of these days (heck, don't even consider it to be that much of a feat to the point that I don't even bother mentioning the university's name).

If my current achievement on my education can be considered as something remarkable, it's more of because I was coerced, rather than the reason that it's my own virtue. It makes my education quite uninspired.

Now, as I'm having heavy introspection on my life, I came to realize that I've lost way too many facets in it that, as of this moment, I'm starting to feel the need for them.

Sa tagalog, ang dami ko na dapat na pinagkatandaan na hanggang ngayon eh di ko pa nararanasan so hanggang ngayon, imbes na maging success (career) driven individual na ako eh naghahanap pa ako ng mga bagay na dapat matagal nang tapos na ako.

I only got a girlfriend last year and my social life only began to have a defined structure in the last 3 or 4 years of my life. And I'm already 24.

Now that my social life and love life's structure is being built, I'm still looking at the other facets of my life that I've lost.

Mom used to go ballistic on me because I have a profound interest on computers back then. She would only think that it's just a gaming device for me. Eventually, I lost interest and the computer on my desktop right now is now primarily a web browsing, and a document editing device--hardly anything else.

Sometimes, she would get mad at me for being obsessed in comic book reading, not realizing that it helped a lot on my English proficiency.

Bottom line is, I gave up a lot things that could be a potential passion for me, all because I'm being shaped to be a top tier student, who should hardly put attention to anything else. My mom consider anything else as distractions, luho, etc.

Right now, I feel like my life is so limited, limited to the educational focus she wants me to have. Heck, I don't even know if I actually have a good focus on that aspect.

_______________

For the first time in my life, I've discussed this issue with her.

Para akong Rustom Padilla na nag confess kay Keanna Reeves about his inner struggles to let his inner thoughts out. The difference is, I'm opening this issue directly to the person who made my life the way it is.

The result: 2 hours of verbal exchange in which I made her cry in the end. Kinda weird because she's the one making me cry most of my life.

She'd then told me that she knows better in dealing with life and whatever material benefits I'm getting right now, it's because of her initiative, which she said that both me and my father lacks.

I said to myself, "Yeah, whatever riches I have right now, I owe them a lot to her. But that doesn't give her the right to grip me by the neck".

She admitted of treating me like a baby. She said it's for my own good. She doesn't want me to get hurt.

And then I thought, "Had I not been deprive of the basics, I should have been a more goal (career) oriented individual--a risk taker, willing to take a fall, whether it would hurt me or not, not someone who still clings to the aspects of my past that I felt I lost, having lost my passion on virtually everything that I could have developed early on. I don't want this current me. The scared, coward me."

Comments please

Sweetkay

From a Mom's point of view:

1) be thankful she pushed you to your limits so that you may excel in your studies and learn everything that you need to help you in life, in presentations, in reports, even in expressing your thoughts here

2) be thankful that she was overprotective and not uncaring

3) be thankful that she focused her attentions on you and not on booze or other men

4) be thankful that she loved you that much eventhough the marriage turned sour for some mothers end up hating their kids or neglecting their kids due to a failed marriage

from a peer's point of view:

1) your only 24 ... this is the time to discover yourself ... go ahead ... be more adventurous ...

2) your a coward? you made yourself one ... your mother did not make you a coward ... conquer your fears ... discover your other facets

add-on:

You make it sound like it's the end of the world for you ... it's not .. .now that you are intelligent enough due to the education that you got .. it's time to hone your street smart skills ... venture into life ...

Don't use your Mom as a crutch ... don't make her excuse for whatever pathetic things that you think is happening to you ...

Instead of focusing on the "bad" things she's done for you ... focuse on how you can improve the present and the past.

The only wrong thing that she did was to love you too much. Hence, forbidding you some stuff but it all boiled down to the reason she loved you too much.

Hate her if she molested you, beat you up, degrade you, sold you ... but for loving you too much, don't fault her on that. She is after all a mother and a father to you.

DaNa8

I agree with Sweetkay. Why go on blaming your mom when all she did was for your good? There are a lot of mothers who do much more worse things to their child. (And there a lot of people who have worse problems than you have). She was only thinking of your future, a thing that you'd understand only when you become a parent yourself. Be thankful that you have a mother like her. Now that you're old enough to make your own decisions, you can start discovering your passions and pursuing them. Good luck!

purpleheadd07

hmmm, kinda reminds me of Riding in Cars with Boys huh.

newei, i was kinda raised the same way too, that is my father passed on early so it was just my mom raising us all. being the youngest with sibs that seemed to have gone on ahead with their lives i was left at home with my mom breathing down my neck on my every move. but then i did not consider that as something that should paralyze me. in fact, i made it a challenge for myself to excel in whatever i do. i was in that same boat too of having to have the top honors, getting a scholarship in the top university, maintaining good grades all thru college, getting a good job she could really be proud of. yes, i was her trophy daughter too. she would want me to pick her up in school (she was a teacher then, now she's retired) everytime i go home for school breaks so she could show me off to her colleagues.
but that part of my life i never did regret because i've seen how good it was fo me too.
kaibahan lang siguro is i learned to be rebellious just the same. i was always out of the house even in HS. lakwatsa ako ng lakwatsa as long as i maintained my high grades. she would berate me all she wanted pero pinapatahimik ko sya by giving my report card.
natawa ako sa comic book issue na yan. i too have my own collection of gaiman's works which she frowns on often. i even used to supply my nephew with Spawn comics. bakit ko daw bininigay yun eh masyado daw violent. reason ko lagi is that my nephew could at least learn english better hehehe...
though naiinggit ako that you've really tried talking to your mom as in Rustom-Keanna set up hehehe...(d ko napanood yan pero i think i know what you mean) ask ko lang is, how are you now after that "talk"?
till now, me and my mom still don't get along that fine but i've learned to deal with her. generation gap lang yan, and of course kse she raised you singlehandedly. I understand that better now kse i'm a single parent na din ( yeah, that rebellious). pero alam mo, no matter what happens with your life you are the only one who should answer for it. but just the same our moms will always take us back, accept us kahit nagkamali tayo.
alam mo, guile, be thankful you have her. you have achieved a lot kahit sabihin mo mang napilitan ka lang. kse you could use that to your best advantage. and if your mom still objects to your wants lambingin mo na lng. tell her to trust you, that you know well what you're doing. lambing lang katapat nyan. ako nga 30 na pinapakialaman pa din ni mama eh, pero ayos lang. i still love and respect her. and am still thankful for everything she's doing for me in spite of my mistakes.

DaVinciCode

are you gay?

skibunny

This is more of a peer advice than a parental one.....

You're only 24...you're a young adult. You have your whole life ahead of you. Quit the endless what-if's. You have years to develop new passions so why focus on those that you could've had.......years to live life the way you want so why focus on the life you could've had if you were raised differently.

You're no longer a child. Be responsible for your own life and stop blaming your mother. From my perspective, your mother prepared you so you can be independent. It looks like she wanted you to get a good education so you can get a job and provide for yourself....so you can survive in this world.

I'm sure she did the best she could. Keep in mind that no parent is perfect.

Sweetkay

DaVinciCode wrote:

are you gay?

Wag naman ganyan ... ala po bashing dito o insulto ...

smilewarrior

I'm not a parent but because of my profession I've dealt with a lot of kids, teenagers and young adults. From my observations of how parents and their offspring interact with each other, here's what little advise I can offer you. I sincerely hope it helps you:

In your mother's eyes, she's just doing what she feels is best for you. Love just makes you do crazy things sometimes.

Sometimes parents do what they do, not because they want to make your life miserable, but because they just don't know any better.

She's your mom. She's there when you need her...and fortunately or unfortunately she's even there when you don't.

Perhaps it was because she had to raise you by herself which is why she feels obligated to make sure nothing happens to you.

Perhaps the reason why she seemingly gives strong emphasis on your education is because what she ultimately wants is for you to be well-equipped/highly capable of supporting yourself if for any reason she or your father ... uhmm... are no longer of this world. Life is unpredictable, you never really know what comes next.

Ten years from now, you both will remember what is happening currently and laugh.

We all deserve to be happy. That is the one thing I strongly believe in. You have to believe that someday, you too will be happy.

If you believe that someday you will find your bliss, that you will have what you're looking for and that you will someday achieve a state of clarity then it will happen. Hope is the flame that keeps the human soul ablaze, don't let yours die.

Good luck. Kaya mo yan.

the_BuGs

sanay na ako sa scenariong ganito

overprotective si mother at naging sunudsunuran si Anak. so Mama's boy ang dating.. nung tumanda si lalaki at nasa realidad na duon na lang naisip na mali pala ginagawa ni mama at marami syang na-miss sa buhay nya nuong pagkabata nya dahil strict si mommy hindi nya magawa to. Na minsan sasabit sa isipan mo ang totoo mong pagkatao?

Hindi rin natin masi-sisi ang magulang dahil laging iniisip nila eh yung "TAMA" para sa kanilang anak... ang tanong lang naman eh ano ba ang "TAMA" na iniisip ng magulang??????? hindi lahat ng sinasabi ng magulang eh "TAMA". Masakit man isipin minsan makitid ang magulang ke nanay pa yan o tatay. (magiging ako rin ilang taon pa dahil isa rin akong magulang ) Dapat ang magulang eh dapat kung ano ang interes ng anak eh suportahan.. suwayin na lang kung mali na talaga ang ginagawa.

Ihahintulad natin yung mahilig pagbasa ng comics ni guile kung ako magulang hindi ko sya pipigilan baket? baka dahil sa comics na yan maging artist sya o comics/fantasy writer na ikakaunlad nya. Kaya naiintindihan ko si guile kasi naiisip nya na sana kung hindi sya nahigpitan nuong bata sya mas marami na syang magagawa sa buhay nya yung mga gusto nyang gawin at "maging".. ngayon naiisip na lang na huli na ang lahat dahil 24 na sya. Pero depende na rin yan guile kung ano pa yung gusto mong mangyari.

well tama din ginawa mo guile na sabihin ang totoo sa nanay mo.. masakit man sa kanya kelangan malaman nya. Pero huwag mo rin namang ipagduldulan sa nanay mo na naging ganyan ka dahil sa kanya hinay hinay lang.

RosaLia

Hi there! I read your post carefully.... as a mother myself kanya kanya ng style ang motherhood... I am not perfect but to my point of views at para sa akin ang wish ko lang na sana sa iba pang mga new generation na mga babae ay may mapulot silang aral about inner emotion of thier child...

I have two boys... one is adopted that turning 17 years old next week... and one is my 10 years old Biological son... Mas binibigyan ko ng attention ang adopted son ko dahil mas malalim ang lungkot ng inner emotion niya... until now he is hungry and longing to meet his biological mother someday... And I explain that to my biological son, para hindi siya mag-umpisang magtanim ng jealousy sa kuya niya...

Ang masasabi ko lang bilang ina... Now that you accomplish everything what your mother wish for you to do... I think that is your turn to accomplish what your heart dictate you to do... maybe that is the right thing for you to do to make you happy...

ito ang isang relasyon ng ibang parent sometimes na hindi porket anak nila ito, pati ba naman boung pagkatao ng every child ay isusumbat nila na you dissapointed them dahil matapos ka nilang palakihin at bigyan ng magandang bukas ito pa ang ipapalit mong ganti sa kanila... iyan ang kadalasang nagiging sumbat ng mga parents sa mga anak... But they forgotten that child is wasn't for them after all... pinahiram lang ito sa kanila ng Diyos... that was my beleive to my two boys...

Ang concern ko bilang ina nila... what ever they choice to be in thier life... I am behind them 100 %... I told them both, never ever please me to make me happy... Please yourself first to seek happiness because its your life not mine... Sabi ko sa kanila if you guys failed i am here to catch you, but if you succeed I am the happiest mother rooting for you both... Becuase thats how far I can go to support my boys....

Goodluck! to you and May the Good Lord will Bless you every thing you need to have a peace of mind and heart to be happy for once...


Concern citizens,
RosaLia

purpleheadd07

nawala na c guile.

wag kse nanay hingan mo ng advice sermon abot mo.

cmars2

^^
ang hilig mag sermon ng nanay talaga ano.
OT: I guess they have said it all. Pakinggan mo na lang sila. You're still young.

putingulap

My story is different from yours, kinda the opposite. My parents had this grocery store and focus much in the business. At Grade 4 (age 10) , I was told to commute by myself to school. They don't check if I had done my homework but I know they'll be mad if I got a failing grade. They don't know what happens to me in school or what life am I living then. When I come home, no meriendas were prepared. I have to fix my own snack. As a kid I would feel not attended but I just always think that they raised me to be independent.

After high school, parents told me that they can't afford to send me to college. I found work in a family where I go there every night and tutor 3 kids. It was a difficult time for me. I had no time to mingle with my classmates. I skipped that part in life when you get to meet a lot of people, be part of a group, learn camaraderie, and develop my personality.

It's like what you said "ang dami ko na dapat na pinagkatandaan na hanggang ngayon eh di ko pa nararanasan, imbes na maging success (career) driven individual na ako eh naghahanap pa ako ng mga bagay na dapat matagal nang tapos na ako."

From the small salary, I was able to finish college. I now have a good job.

I'm now 30 yrs old and enjoying my life. I'm reliving that part of my life that I skipped. You're never too old to appreciate what life has to offer.

We grew up telling stories of our experiences. Not all of us may agree with the manner of how parents brought us up. But what we are now, reflects the values inflicted on us.

We may not agree in everything our parents did, we still have to be thankful for they have helped us survived life. Time will come when we're gonna be parents too. I guess that's a good time to learn from their mistakes.

Guile

Still here.

I actually appreciated your posts guys.

Anyway, if you wanna know how I would currently assess myself:

As a character, I'm a very good person. I do considered myself a very balanced individual. Balanced in the sense that I easily adapt to any person I interact with. For a guy like me who became too conscious in dealing with people, social adaptation is a key. Being balanced means I'm not edgy, but more of well rounded. It has to be well-rounded so that I could fit to many varieties of people. It's something like a trying-to-look-good-to-everybody mentality.

And fitting to a large demographics of the people around me implies that I'm more open to their ideas, etc. Ideas (both self-based and external) that help me in the never ending introspection.

Although think I have an edge (comparatively speaking) in terms of critical thinking (some may consider this paranoia). I would always tend to look at all the variables, and rationalize things. Everything should have proper order, etc.

Ika nga, you don't want to look bad.

In terms of short-term vision, I think I'm well equipped. Like, if you want me to take a lead role in organizing a high school reunion, I think I'm up to the task. I can take care of the finances, the location, etc.

But if you're asking me about a long term vision, like how do I plan to get 2 SUV's and a well renovated house in 5 years time, I'm basically out of ideas.

See, I have this problem where after all these years of thinking about other people, I now want to think about me.

It's like the devil's advocate is currently seducing me. He wants me to be greedy, egotistic, etc.

It's like playing the game of MONOPOLY, where in almost the entirety of the game you wanted to help your co-players, until you came to a realization that in that game, you actually have to BANKRUPT them to oblivion.

pro_tempore

hey guile.

i don't frequent this forum, but the title of your post caught my attention.

now i don't mean to be cruel, but you're 24 already dude - that's adult by some people's standards. i think it's cool you're asking for a different perspective by asking other moms, but don't you think this is more a matter for you to discuss with your peers?

dealing with strict moms, finding balance and identity, and planning your next steps to move on from a painful childhood, are all things that other young people have to deal with too. perhaps your friends could give advice that you'll find more useful.

Dunedain

Or pretty much try to figure things yourself as you take every step (in life). Self-evaluation without the approval or disapproval of others. Build yourself as your own individual. No one necessarily needs to find out what you're capable of. It's more of proving things to self FIRST. As to planning for your future, don't aim too high like the 2 SUVs and a well renovated house thing (this doesn't necessarily mean loose your dreams and aspirations), but more on aiming what you think is justifiably achievable within your means, go for it, then take it a notch higher for every achievement done.

putingulap

It's simple, don't be afraid to make mistakes. It's good to have plans but aint healthy if you pressure yourself everyday.

Learn to live your life.

the_BuGs

tsaka cguro wag mong madaliin ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay minsan masakit ang madapa.

the_BuGs

tsaka cguro wag mong madaliin ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay minsan masakit ang madapa.

Guile

Just wanna give this thread a bump. My mental state hardly changed since I posted this but I appreciated he help guys.

Uhm....are there any medicine that I can take just to soothe my mind?

zlsegura

hi... just to share my thoughts on this topic... you know what bothers you? its the fact that you don't want to hurt your mom by following what's in your heart kse you're a good man. but you know, all mom's just wants the best for their kids and sometimes i have to admit that they push too hard na they don't give freedom sa anak nilang makapag-isip. Now, you're confused kse you don't know what to do and you're blaming your mom kse wla na syang mai-share sayo na can make you happy. Dude, deep in your heart, you know the answers to all your confusion. Run your life. You don't need a medicine for that. Be thankful nalang na may nanay ka pa who can guide you (guide ha! not run your life for you). It may sound selfish pero ikaw padin ang may last say sa buhay mo eh! you have the say kung masaya ka ba o hindi. Follow your heart lang...

Saka don't dwell on your problem kse meron pang ibang tao na may mas mabigat na problema kesa sayo. Just enjoy life while you're still young and live to the fullest. Sayang ang ganda ng mundo kung magmumukmok ka... Simple lang ang buhay, hindi mo na kailangang gamitan ng utak as long as alam mong wla kang tinatapakan, mabuti kang tao, at masaya ka sa ginagawa mo. Yan ang mga bagay na hindi natututunan sa school, kahit Harvard ka pa mag-aral. (i thank you...bow...)