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Do you have controlling parents?

I have an image in my head that most filipino parents are very controlling by nature. I know my parents (especially my mom) are but I was wondering if it's true that most filipino parents are like that.

Anyway, from the Controlling Parents website, here are the ten signs that you had/have controlling parents:

When you were growing up, your parents...
1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards
3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them
4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them
5. Violated your privacy
6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you
7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself
8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities
9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others
10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

So, do any of these signs speak to you? Well, in my case, #'s 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, and 10 fit my parents to a tee.


So, if you had controlling parents, what controlling style do they use? Anyway, here are the 8 styles controlling parents use:

Smothering: Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

Depriving: Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

Perfectionistic: Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionistic parents drive their children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order, prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

Cultlike: Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children according to rigid rules and roles.

Chaotic: Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and bewildering communication.

Using: Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others’ gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

Abusing: Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When they’re enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them accordingly.

Childlike: Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves, encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling through role-reversal.


From my experience and from what I've seen from other filipino parents is that filipino parents tend to smother their kids with love thinking it's a good thing. They don't encourage their kids to solve their problems on their own and they don't teach their kids self-reliance and independence. I'm sure there are a lot of filipinos out there who think American and European parents are such lousy parents because they encourage their kids to go get a job or because they don't hug their kids too much.

A lot of filipinos think that its great for parents to be selfless and to devout their entire lives to their kids even to the point of not having lives of their own.


So, what are your parents like?

Comments

  • cosmoscosmos Member PExer
    umm ok.. my parents are not like that. hmm the word for me is not controlling.. it's protective!
  • - kei -- kei - kYuTi PExer
    ganyan ang parents ko before.. ngayon ko lang naisip... bata pa pala kasi ako noon.. somehow, tama sila
  • pro_temporepro_tempore nakikipaglibang PExer
    nah. my parents were -- and still are -- very permissive. it was everyone else's parents who were slightly resentful of my parents, while i was growing up. masyado raw liberal, sticking weird thoughts in their kids' heads. my dad let me read his pinoy penthouse collection at the age of five! *proud*

    one parent is more liberal than the other, but i still felt lucky. they struck a good balance between protectiveness and permissiveness. a lot of the kids i knew were either ignored or spoiled rotten.
  • Leih1234Leih1234 Registered User PExer
    No, my dad died when I was barely 4 and I was brought up by my mom. No she was never controlling.

    However, she put a lid on a lot of my activities after I started getting sick. Sometimes, I gave in. . .sometimes, I follow my heart.
  • aqriusguyaqriusguy it's what killed the cat. PExer
    Heymikey, seems to me like you have major issues with your parents.

    My parents aren't controlling, although when I was in high school and through to college, I used to think they were. In fact I hated my mother because I felt she was too nosy and using your word, controlling. But that was when I was younger. Now I realize that I couldn't fault them for bringing me up the "Filipino way."

    Besides, don't use american/european norms for determining what controlling parents are and then applying them to generalize that filipino parents are. Now that I know better, I will not exchange being brought up in my extended Filipino family for any kind of parenting.

    Read Covey, the 7 Habits guy, and see what he and his wife have to say about parenting in America and intergenerational families. *okay*
  • heymikeyheymikey SCAN THIS... PExer
    aqriusguy, yeah I guess you're right. I just realized that I'm being unfair by using North American standards of parenting and applying it to filipino parenting.

    Anyway, if I grew up in the Philippines, I probably would not have a problem with my parents raising me "the filipino way". But since I don't live there, I usually end up comparing my filipino parents to my peers' white parents or even the parents I see on TV.

    Anyway, I don't have any issues with my parents. They raised me based on what they knew. Considering they grew up very traditional in the Philippines without any of that teenage drama you see in the West, they did what they know.
  • sweetwahmsweetwahm Just Another PExer PExer
    I would not call my parents controlling... over protective would sort of fit how I would describe my folks. My dad worked abroad with the benefit of bringing his family along. Where we grew up there was minimal Western influence so it wasnt really a problem raising kids in that environment. Practically very safe, albeit multicultural.

    Moving back to the Philippines proved to be more of a culture shock for my folks then it was for us siblings. They kept saying, "Ganito na pala ang 'Pinas ngayon?!" Newspapers filled with gory stories of rape, killings, abductions and other what nots. That's when the over protective streak took over, I suppose. If I had lost a finger, my mom would probably be president of the children with lost fingers cause :)

    Now that I have a kid of my own... I dont know. I'd certainly like to be the epitome of the perfect mom... but with kids, you can never tell. True, true, they dont come with manuals. All I probably do is be the best mom I can be.
  • mrpatheticmrpathetic Member PExer
    my parents are controlling. closed minded. they always hide by the "we're just concerned" or "we're just protective" etc...i'm near 30 and they're still controlling me like a prisoner...

    lahat pinapakiaalaman. pati barkada or kasama ko sa gimmick...lahat...
  • heymikeyheymikey SCAN THIS... PExer
    mrpathetic wrote:
    my parents are controlling. closed minded. they always hide by the "we're just concerned" or "we're just protective" etc...i'm near 30 and they're still controlling me like a prisoner...

    lahat pinapakiaalaman. pati barkada or kasama ko sa gimmick...lahat...
    You're nearly 30 y.o. and your parents still treat you like a little kid? Is this part of the "filipino way" you guys are talking about?
  • ayaneayane Member PExer
    heymikey wrote:
    You're nearly 30 y.o. and your parents still treat you like a little kid? Is this part of the "filipino way" you guys are talking about?

    of course not!

    yes, i have to admit, filipino parents would remain visible in your life until, most probably, the day they die, but they're only there to give advice, not control your life. that is why even with all the advice, the filipino youth still stumble and fall every once in a while. it's like, you're given the freedom to do whatever you like... but you'll know their opinion of it every step of the way.
    heymikey wrote:
    signs that you had/have controlling parents:

    When you were growing up, your parents...
    1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
    2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards
    3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them
    4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them
    5. Violated your privacy
    8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities
    9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others
    10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

    Depriving: Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

    Cultlike: Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children according to rigid rules and roles.

    Chaotic: Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and bewildering communication.

    :rotflmao: that is what my parents used to be like... but i'm a deviant. i showed them that i know what i'm doing and that i'm a responsible person.

    they used to be very strict, but i broke all the rules and showed them that i could party the night away and still bring home nice grades. that i could have boyfriends and relationships without them being scared of me getting pregnant. that though not all my friends are good influences, i know what and what not to accept in a person.

    i think the reason why my parents, especially my mom, respects me right now, is because i've shown that i know what i want in life. they may not agree with everything, but they already realized that they can't live my life for me and that i definitely won't let them live my life for me if ever they could.
  • unicahijaunicahija banal na aso PExer
    interesting post. i would consider my 'rents typical. tyrannical when i was little, and now, tyrannical AND annoying as hell. it's like their personal growth stunted somewhere along the way. parang they got worse as persons. esp. my dad. well mostly my dad, haha! kainis. nosy, mayabang, disrepectful, lazy, can't take reponsibility for own mistakes/actions (willing to lie at the expense of his family members *my mom and I* just to make himself look good), insecure, greedy, alaskador, ipokrito...ano pa ba...halos lahat na yata ng masamang adjective fitting siya eh hahaha. If he dies I don't think that I will miss him because we don't have a deep connection. I will only miss the service he provided kahit na laging niyang ipinapamukha sa 'min. We're only bound by blood. I will not cry for him like I would cry for my mother, or a very dear friend. If I ever cry at all.


    I like this topic :)
  • Me0wMe0w KulotSalot PExer
    well, my mom thinks everyone else is better than me..
    what do you call that?
  • ayaneayane Member PExer
    Me0w wrote:
    well, my mom thinks everyone else is better than me..
    what do you call that?

    :rotflmao: i used to think that way about my mom... there was even a time, she was so angry that she said, "sana yung bestfriend mo na lang yung anak ko. kasi siya, mabait, di tulad mo!"

    :rotflmao: i let it affect me dati, but now, hinde na. coz i realized, she shows me her love in her own way. the ironic thing about it is, my youngest bro thinks i'm our mom's favorite... while i think he's the favorite and my mom barely tolerates me. and our siblings... well, they think the 2 of us are the favorites! :rotflmao:
  • Me0wMe0w KulotSalot PExer
    ayane wrote:
    :rotflmao: i used to think that way about my mom... there was even a time, she was so angry that she said, "sana yung bestfriend mo na lang yung anak ko. kasi siya, mabait, di tulad mo!"

    :rotflmao: i let it affect me dati, but now, hinde na. coz i realized, she shows me her love in her own way. the ironic thing about it is, my youngest bro thinks i'm our mom's favorite... while i think he's the favorite and my mom barely tolerates me. and our siblings... well, they think the 2 of us are the favorites! :rotflmao:

    :hmm: .. pwede pala magkaroon ng 2 favorite ang parents.
  • lauraicelauraice Member PExer
    May parents po ba sa thread na ito? Yung hindi new generation parents ha, yung tipong nasa 50's pataas na... hehe
    I am curious, mostly ba talaga ng nabuhay noon ay medyo iba talaga ang mga iniimplement na rules sa bahay lalo na kapag about sa pakikipag relasyon ng anak? Hindi naman ako pinipigilan pero may mga pahapyaw na kimkim na reklamo ang aking ina dahil weekly ako nakikipag date... hahahah
    sa isip-isip ko naman, kaysa naman magkita lang kami twice a year, magpakasal, at makaisip mag divorce after a few months dahil hindi ko siya nakilala at ayaw ko pala sa kanya

    Anyway, tip for parents, kapag nasa right age na ang anak ninyo at may trabaho na, bigyan nyo na ng independence. Kasi pag super higpit at out of place naman na, magsisinungaling ang anak.

    Yan ang ginagawa ko eh ahahah, alam ko kasi na hindi ako papayagan so nagsisinungaling nalang ako. Eh kasi ang iniisip ko naman, im 25, im working for 5 yrs already, pede na nga ako mag asawa eh, bakit 10 pm or earlier parin ang curfew? bakit hindi pwedeng lumambing sa boyfriend? bakit hindi pwede makita ng kapitbahay na may kadikit akong lalaki? Anu ano daw ba ang pictures na pinopost ko sa fb? Mas ok daw kung ako lang at hindi kasama bf ko. Delikadesa issue daw... Weh? Hindi ko magets, help naman, baka may same experience kayo dyan, i want to try to understand

    *Di ko siya pede tanungin, medyo dramtic siya at historical
    *The lesser thing she knows, lesser ang worries niya at pessimism, at peace din ako hehehe
  • s_lo75s_lo75 I think I'm in love...again PExer
    Controlling mother is more appropriate with my life...I used to be irritated by it... BUT after getting to know some mothers who practically let their children do whatever they want (drinking, smoking, getting pregnant, getting married and separating and getting married again...all at a young age) I've learned to appreciate my mom's slightly dominant behavior towards me and my sister...at least I know she cares. ;)
  • girlfrangirlfran Member PExer
    cosmos wrote: »
    umm ok.. my parents are not like that. hmm the word for me is not controlling.. it's protective!

    I'd say this is the case for me as well.
    They're protective and if they could be in control, I'm sure they'd seize the opportunity. :lol: But they also know that just won't work...

    I moved here in the US before I became a teen so aware ako of what the typical child-parent relationship is in the Philippines and what it is here in the states. My parents came from VERY traditional, authoritarian backgrounds so it never fails to amaze me how much control they've given up to us. It was mostly out of necessity that they've had to culturally assimilate their parenting styles (kasi after awhile it wasn't enough for us to hear them say na "Pilipino tayo. Eto ang values natin!" esp. after we became citizens here and we very teenage angsty / smart-***-ly came back with "actually I'm technically American").

    Pero now that the fog of immaturity has cleared, I'm very grateful na kahit na this is such a foreign territory (geographically and metaphorically) for them, talagang they try to understand us within the context of this culture. When we were younger puro, "Alam kong nasa US tayo pero Pilipino ka pa rin! You can't do whatever you want. Wala akong pakialam kung 18 ka na... hindi mo magagawa ang kahit anong maisip mo hanggat buhay kami!" :lol:

    But then... I moved out when I was 18.

    Believe me when I say they made me go through hell from the moment I told them of my decision to move out and for like half a year after that. Kasi para sa kanila it translated to ayaw ko sa family ko. Sa akin naman I love them dearly pero I had to experience being an adult and being on my own... All my friends who I had ALL of the same experiences with in school were moving out na rin so it just didn't seem fair to me that I couldn't / shouldn't move out when I had done all the right things and worked as hard as I can. I did anyway (and despite my mom's protest, siya na mismo nagpoint out, "18 ka na. Wala naman akong magagawa. Di naman pwedong ikulong kita sa kwarto mo!") pero I had to work for it... as in they didn't give me a single cent. But it worked out and ngayon, my Dad proudly tells everyone that I'm a very independent young woman. It's quite surprising.

    So ultimately, hindi naman sila controlling but they both put up a fight when it comes to my decision-making. As they always say, "I can only share my advice / opinion with you. And I have to kasi anong klaseng parent ako kung hindi man kita mabigyan ng advice and warnings? Pero I know that at the end of the day, adult ka na and gagawin mo rin kung anong gusto mong gawin."

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