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dilemma of a clandestine bi

i know this should have been in the alternative preferences section, but i chose to put it here because i want to get more serious answers.

matagal ko nang alam na bisexual ako. since first year high school, i've been aware of this. before i came to that particular point of realization, i fell in love with a girl. i even tried to court her, but it didn't push through. when i reached high school, weird feelings started coming in. i felt attracted to the same sex. what kept me wondering then, however, was that i still had this attraction for the opposite sex. it was a difficult time. i almost lost my identity. but thanks to technologies like the internet, i soon found the answer. i am bi, and i am surer now more than ever. this is, however, my darkest secret. nobody knows about this except me.

my problem now is that i'm deeply falling for a friend, a guy friend. i've always tried to keep this as a secret pero may nasabihan na akong mga kaibigan tungkol dito. yun nga lang, ang parati kong sinasabi, sa babae ako in love. hindi ko naman kayang sabihin ang totoo dahil wala pang nakaaalam ng tunay kong sexual preference.

ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman to. sobrang nami-miss ko lagi ang kaibigan kong yun at 'pag nagkikita kami, hindi ko ma-describe ang feeling. ang kinatutuwa ko, we're close. komportable kami sa isa't isa.

but what makes me so lonely is this feeling itself. i feel like betraying him whenever i think about this. dahil nga close kami, lalo akong naiinis sa nararamdaman ko. ayokong mahalin siya dahil unang-una, lalaki rin ako. yes i am a self-confessed bi, but i honestly have not yet fully accepted that. and so what i do now is stop myself and suppress my feelings no matter how hard. i love him, but i can't. i love him, but i want it to end.

sobrang saya kong maging kaibigan niya. kaya naisip ko, kapag lalong tumindi ang feelings na to, baka mahirapan na akong pigilin. baka lumabas. at pag nangyari yun, baka masira ang pagkakaibigan namin. ayokong mangyari yun.

usually kasi, i only feel purely lusty and sexual attraction towards the same sex. ergo, ngayon lang ako nahulog nang ganito. i fell in love before, but that was with a girl. ngayon lang talaga to. kaya hindi ko halos makaya.

minsan, naisip ko na sana, kung maiinlove lang din ako, sa babae na. para naman tama. para naman acceptable. para naman wala na akong kailangang itago o pigilin. ang sakit at ang hirap kasi e.

to all forumers here, what do u think? anong dapat kong gawin sa feelings ko na to for my friend? im so confused. this problem has been keeping me so restless nowadays.

Comments

  • baklitabaklita PEx Veteran ⭐⭐

    naku kapatid... may identity crisis ka nga... ksi di mo alam kung
    saan mo ilulugar sarili mo... lalo na angyong emosyon. welcome to
    the club... dumadami na tyo. isulong ang pagkaalanganin... noh!

    aihihihi!!!

    baklita
  • I completely understand the way you feel coco_jumbo. I myself has the dilemma for the thrid time so I'm getting used to it actually.

    Right now I have this officemate (a guy of course), I'm working in a call center, he's my batchmate as well that's why we get to bond in the office a lot. He's such a nice, warm and adorable person; everybody in the office who's close to him loves him plus he is handsome.

    I'm not a Bi, I fall for guys, but I'm a straight acting gay. Although, some people knew,others are perplexed on my real identity while others don't absolutely notice it. But if they happened to ask my sexual preference I give an honest answer.

    Now, going back to this guy. Every morning, before the start of our shift, we get to bond and chat anything under the sun. We also tease, fight and make sweet nothings. He's so sweet to me and he never fails to hug me (lucky me!). And mind you, his GF is our officemate, too; and she knows the kind of bonding we have. He never asked me about my preference but I think he knew,maybe!

    Although, I really like him I never told him my real feelings. Not that I'm afraid he will reject me coz I am very certain he never will. I respect him so greatly that i cannot afford to ruin his identity, moreso that he has a gf right now.

    So my advice to you is... so long as you can hold your feelings, hold it... so long as you have not fully accepted your identity, do nothing, coz you surely can't bear the rejection... when you come to know what you really are and what you really want that's the time you make a move.

    Remember, awareness and acceptance are one of the virtues that make a person relieved and in serenity.

    God bless and have a wonderful and bountiful second semester!
  • "let us sing the song by parokya ni edgar - this guy is in love with you pare" :eek: :glee:

    I think it would be better to stay close as freinds na lang. you said he's your friend and you are kinda betraying him, when you stay with him as friend lang i guess that won't be a betrayal coz alam nya na lalake ka... betrayal na lang cguro kapag bibiglain mo syang halikan.... :naughty: you know you are bi already and you have been a best friend with the guy, try tell him about your status. gusto mo ba sya maging lover ?? :hmm: :eek:
  • baklita

    identity crisis? siguro nga. i know who i am, but i cannot fully accept it.

    erikista

    you're so lucky. damn lucky. i'm so happy for you. thanks for that very insightful reply. marami akong natutunan. sana lalo pang tumagal at tumatag ang pagkakaibigan niyo. sa sitwasyon ng mga tulad natin, friendship na cguro ang best possible thing na puwede nating panghawakan. :)

    0110|1001

    yes, i'm in love with pare. that, however, does not push me to go beyond the limits. hindi kami talo, haha. tama ka, i'd better keep this feeling to myself. wala rin namang patutunguhan ito. wala rin akong balak maging lover niya. i may be bi, but i don't think i am ready to live a queer life, much more have a relationship.

    ...

    lintek. i'm falling in love with that person deeper everyday. sa kagustuhan kong matapos itong nararamdaman kong ito, hinahanapan ko siya ng flaws. but as it turns out, puro good points niya ang nakikita ko. god, he's extraordinary pero walang bahid ng kayabangan. i'm liking that person more and more. hindi ko na alam. ewan ko kung paano ko ihahandle sakaling tumindi pa ito.

    mahal ko siya, pero hindi ko siya pwedeng mahalin. ni sarili ko nga hindi ko pa matanggap na ganito. :(
  • Pare, I'm straight here and had a BI friend during my college life.. walang problema na yan since kaibigan mo naman na sya and lagi naman kayo magkasama dba? hayaan mo na lang sya makahalata kung BI ka, and isa pa m sure nag eenjoy din sya sa company mo.. as long as you don't cross the line like kissing him or harassing him... kasi m pretty sure na iiwas yun sau talaga. just be glad ata nakakasama mo pa sya, since alam mo na wala ka rin balak maging lover nya. just feel lucky you are a friend of the guy.
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