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how do you deal with an affair

i don't really want to go into details, because everything is so fresh. sometimes, i think i'll pass out from the pain. putting it simply then, mahal ko sya (still) but nagkaaffair sya and i'm having a hard time dealing with it. we were together 1 year, 6 months when it happened. we tried to go at it again (though i had second thoughts about doing the second chance bit) and we were in the process of "doing negotiations" and setting conditions, and suddenly, ayaw niya yung conditions ko. nakakasakal daw. so we ended it. but do i feel so miserable right now....

and please, don't tell me to surround myself with friends. i know that part. thing is, i'm in the states and there is simply no one here right now.... :(

the question is, how do you deal with an affair? supposedly, this should be easier than a regular breakup (what in the world is a regular breakup anyway? ) pero sana lang, it was that easy to let go...

alam nyo yun? gusto ko magkaayos kami, but i can't deal with what happened. hindi ko malunon. hindi naman kasi dapat ginagawa yun sa taong mahal mo eh...
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Comments

  • BlisterBlister chutzpah PExer
    ask yourself first.
    what will make you "really" happy and satisfied.

    ang purpose kasi ng pakikipag bf/gf eh para malaman if things will work out before entering that "i dos" stage.
    do you really have to deal with that?
    what makes you think he wont do that again?
    im pretty sure nawala, nawawala or nabawasan na yang trust mo sa kanya.

    and thats not a good sign.

    think about it.
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    thanks for replyin.

    what i want is impossible. i want the affair to never have happened. but it did and i am stuck with that. i sound like a kid with unrealistic expectations, but that is how i feel. i feel betrayed and cheated (that is what happened to me) and nothing short of undoing will heal me. i feel like something broke, no dammit, shattered inside of me...

    sabi nya it won't happen again (of course, sabi rin niya, it won't happen in the first place...). but you know, i chose to be in that relationship because i thought hindi nya ako sasaktan and well, surprise! the mother of all nightmares just happened to me. i feel like i died a little....

    yes, nabawasan kung nabawasan, halos mawala nga eh. but maybe it will come back? maybe it can be like before. or am i settin myself up for a bigger heartache and disappointment later on? i know that if it happens again, hindi ko na kakayanin...

    my friends all tell me, split na, let go and move on. someone else will come your way but you know, in my head i'm thinkin, dammit if i wanted someone else, i would have chosen someone else. :(

    the one thing i was so afraid of was being betrayed, and that was the one thing that would make me let go and sinabi ko sa kanya yun eh, and still ginawa nya.... :(

    again, thanks. :) you bring me comfort.
  • dalawa_puso_kodalawa_puso_ko Banned by Admin PExer
    How do I handle MY affairs? VERY DISCREETLY. ;)
  • BaBy_gUrL_09BaBy_gUrL_09 Member PExer
    hi rain_28.

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I never like reading about women being cheated on by their partners. I've been there too and I know that it hurts like hell... but well, I guess, in my situation, I entered the relationship knowing that the guy was very fond of women. And I thought I could accept the situation but I just couldn't. I love myself more than I loved him.

    I've learned my lesson and after two womanizing boyfriends, I've just had ENOUGH. Now, I stand firmly by my decision never to stand for INFIDELITY.

    I know it must be very hard for you. You tried to compromise but still he was unwilling to compromise (after he cheated on you). That says a lot about his character. Ikaw ba, if you made a mistake and in order to rectify that mistake, you have to make some sacrifices, would you take back your regret and expression of guilt just because the consequence of your action is too hard to bear?

    If he truly is sorry for what he did (he shouldn't have done it in the first place), then he should have no qualms about what you he has to do to be able to rectify that error.

    One more point, even if you got back together do you think you would be able to trust him completely? If suddenly he has to work late or has to go away for the weekend or if you see that there's a girl befriending him, would you be able to trust him enough to know in your heart that he will NEVER cheat on you again?

    I know it's hard right now. But like one saying goes, "this, too, shall pass". It's true, you know. You deserve better. Your boyfriend did will not respect you enough as a person to be faithful to you and honor your commitment. That's something that you should keep in mind.

    Good Luck! I wish you happiness. God Bless!

    :)
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    baby_gurl_09

    first, thank you for replying.

    second, i need to correct some misconceptions. i'm a guy. i didn't want to say so since, i feel like i look like an idiot for crying over a woman, but damn these double standards. besides, i've been reading the posts and it seems that there are a lot of cynics on the board and more than a few will think this is just an act, and a few others will say, bakit ikaw hindi ka ba nagcheat kahit kailan? no man cries over a woman, i've been told but dammit it hurts like hell and i don't want to put on this macho facade because that is a load of crap. i want to cry over what used to be mine.

    but i didn't want to lie, especially to anyone who sincerely, out of sheer kindness, responded to my call. i risk not getting any further replies (except smart alecky ones) but i'd rather have that than lie.

    i feel so bad since, i so wanted the relationship to work. i loved her truly, without reservations, and not a single instance of monkeying around, you know, not even just flirting with anyone else! and still wala. often, i think i failed, but then i sober up and realize, hindi naman ako ang nagcheat eh. mahihirapan akong tanggapin sya ulit, feeling ko kasi, if you can do it once, you can do it again.

    maybe i phrased my question wrong. it is not so much that i am hoping magkabalikan kami. wala na yun eh. sometimes, i do think everybody deserves a second chance, pero di ba, dapat you're willing to sacrifice for that second chance? ayaw niya eh. she does not write and i haven't written in almost a week. long distance pa kami. so, the relationship will die (if it's not already dead) a natural death. rather, it is more of dealing with the breakup and with being not-with-her. pero sobrang hirap eh. i know that i'm supposed to suck it in pero ang lungkot. lagi ko syang iniisip (who doesn't?) and minsan matutulog na lang nga ako, mapapaginipan ko pa. :( damn, what a nightmare. sana magising na ako. :(
  • gothaleckgothaleck Member PExer
    rain...

    u had juz made me cry... i am in the same position as you are, difference is, i'm female... and my relationship lasted for three and a half years b4 my guy finally considered to hav an affair... :( its been three months now... since the time i found out... and ive been in a depressive mood ever since. i haven't found the words to describe what has happened... honestly, i wished i never would, but when i read your post, i felt as if i had a doppelganger... me in some other strange place experiencing the exact situation. You've voiced out my feelings... i don't know if the effect is good or bad, but somehow, i feel relieved. don't get me wrong, i'm not relieved that someone is as miserable as i am (although... the thought is cruelly comforting) i'm just relieved that at least, someone does understand.

    i'll tell u about my journey some other time, meanwhile, hang in there. i am. and i'm one who can't handle heart breaks. but hell, i'm still alive... still here...
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    gothaleck,

    thank you too, for replying.

    :( i'm sorry to hear you're going through the same hell i am. my friends tell me, you're fortunate it happened sooner than later. what if ginawa nya to and five or six years na kayo? or worse, you have kids? mabuti na raw na nangyari ngayon... some consolation huh?

    it's all so surreal. you know, it's something you read about or hear about, it's something that happens to other people, and now it happened to me. i never thought she would do it to me. :(

    nothing justifies an affair, you know. kaya ang hirap tanggapin eh. there is simply no reason for it, not loneliness, nor drunkeness, nor nadala, nor heat of the moment. none of these count or make better whatever pain was inflicted.

    but you know what, it's the same thing with love eh. strangely, maski ganon, i know that a part of me wants her back. damn the male ego, but i do want her back. mahal ko sya eh. pero hindi pwede. saan naman ang respeto ko sa sarili ko nun.... :(

    i hear it takes a long time to heal from this. and i was told that anger should sustain me. but i'm more hurt than angry, and i've been at it for a month or so. man, doesn't time slow down to a crawl when you're busy dying...

    you hold on too. and thanks for the comfort. :)
  • BlisterBlister chutzpah PExer
    Originally posted by rain_028
    thanks for replyin.

    what i want is impossible. i want the affair to never have happened. but it did and i am stuck with that.
    that all up to you.
    choice mo yan. wala naman makakapigil sayo kung ayaw mo diba.
    i sound like a kid with unrealistic expectations, but that is how i feel. i feel betrayed and cheated
    well... you were.
    (that is what happened to me) and nothing short of undoing will heal me. i feel like something broke, no dammit, shattered inside of me...
    time will heal anything. you'll see.
    sabi nya it won't happen again (of course, sabi rin niya, it won't happen in the first place...). but you know, i chose to be in that relationship because i thought hindi nya ako sasaktan and well, surprise! the mother of all nightmares just happened to me. i feel like i died a little....
    kaya nga sabi ko sayo choice mo yan eh.
    you just have to learn to face reality.
    nasasaktan ka na nga, nandiyan ka pa din.
    yes, nabawasan kung nabawasan, halos mawala nga eh. but maybe it will come back? maybe it can be like before. or am i settin myself up for a bigger heartache and disappointment later on? i know that if it happens again, hindi ko na kakayanin...
    i doubt it.
    kung bumalik man, malamang may halo nang ka plastikan yun.
    my friends all tell me, split na, let go and move on. someone else will come your way but you know, in my head i'm thinkin, dammit if i wanted someone else, i would have chosen someone else. :(
    love doesnt conquer all. yan dapat ang ilagay mo sa isip mo.
    diba mas ok na yung feeling in a relationship na wala kang worries na iispin.
    a relationship should inspire you, not destroy you.
    the one thing i was so afraid of was being betrayed, and that was the one thing that would make me let go and sinabi ko sa kanya yun eh, and still ginawa nya.... :(
    what are you waiting for?
    miracle?
    that wont happen.
    magiging miserable ka dyan. at baka umabuso pa yan pag pinalusot mo.
    again, thanks. :) you bring me comfort.
    good luck :D

    just remember, you were ok even before she came into your life.
    so dont even think you cant live without her.
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    hi blister.

    i guess only no nonsense thinking will get me through this. thanks for the advice. i guess, i really just have to suck it in. i'm too much of a romantic idealist, i suppose. yeah, love doesn't conquer all. i need a new mantra. that one sounds good.

    i'll be alright. one day at a time, right? one friggin day at a time...

    you make sense. thanks. :)
  • gothaleckgothaleck Member PExer
    i didn't tell you, did i? i'm still in the relationship. i never did let go... i don't know. maybe i was, i am, wishing 4sumtng 2happen. believing in 2nd chances, hoping it will work out, hoping he'll never do it again... but i'm sooo afraid. i'm being a fool, and i know it. and the only reason i have is because i am in love. what now? i don't know. nobody does.

    oh well, but enuf of me, diz isn't abt me anyway, itz abt u...

    don't try rationalizing everything, no matter what you do or think of, it will never be enuf. you''l juz let urself end up in a loony bin.

    besides, things like these have no justifications, no reasons, nothing enuf to appease any caused pain... that's one reality you'll have to accept.

    time either heals or aggravates... it's your choice.
  • BaBy_gUrL_09BaBy_gUrL_09 Member PExer
    hi again, rain_028.

    So, you're a guy pala. Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Male or female, nobody deserves to be cheated on. You're girl (or ex) does not deserve a sensitive, loving guy like you. I begin to think that you probably feel a lot sh*ttier than some girls who've been cheated on. Men cheating on women has been happening forever and although, women of the olden times have pranced around wearing the scarlet letter, at the present time, it just seems as if more men cheat on women compared to women cheating on men. Thus, aside from the actual pain of being betrayed, there's the "male pride" and bruised ego to nurse as well.

    I know of a couple of guys who've been cheated on by their wives and girlfriends. And you know what? Lahat talaga nagkaron ng serious problem. There's this acquaintance of mine (girl) who would always tell me that when she and her husband were just boyfriend-girlfriend, that she was also sleeping with this other guy whom her now husband actually works with and knows very well. But when she got pregnant by her hubby, she got "reformed" and said "tignan mo naman how much i love my husband now and how faithful I am to him...". Well, her husband is now carrying a 6-month relationship with another girl (old co-worker) and I think he's trying to justify his affair by the fact that his wife was the first one who made the mistake.

    Another friend of mine naman had an affair while maintaining a 3-year relationship. Her bf adored her, as in talagang kita mong mahal na mahal nung guy yung friend ko and feeling ko he's super proud kasi hearthrob yung gf niya. I was telling my friend to stop na because it's really not fair to the guy. Kung ayaw na niya, eh di dapat hiwalayan muna niya bago siya manlalaki. Well, now that she's "reformed" too, it's the guy who seems to be distancing himself. And whenever she finds out that some girl finds her bf attractive, napapraning siya.

    I know of many more couples na nagloko yung girl and even if the guy forgives, the trust just really diminishes and later on, it might lead you to commit a mistake and you will only justify your mistake dahil nauna siya. In which case, hindi rin yun fair, diba? I really think you're better off without her. Might even be easier for you since you're far away. Mas mahirap pag araw-araw mo nakikita yung tao. You deserve much more.

    Good luck again. :)
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    gothaleck,

    i'm surprised you stayed. though, i might have made the same decision myself. kaya lang hindi ko talaga kaya eh. i don't want to add more poison to your already-strained relationship, but my brain tells me, it's a bad idea. there are some things that i can take, and some things that i can't. i mean, i was the more tolerant, the more patient one in our relationship. most of the time, ako ang nagaamo, minsan maski kasalanan nya, para lang ala nang away. but there is a line that i won't cross and it is this. we can't fix it without conditions, para naman mapanatag and loob ko, and ayaw niya. gusto niya, she would be as free as before and well, hindi ko na kaya yun.

    but sometimes, i wish, pumayag na lang ako ng balikan, no conditions. pero i fear that if i do that, something worse will happen. sigh.

    i wish you the best of luck with your relationship. i hope it turns out for the better.

    baby_gurl_09

    pride and ego, well, it matters, but not as much. i'm old enough to know that those are pretty empty, compared to many other things. kaya nga maski ako ang nangaamo, ok lang. but anyways, yes, i am a guy, so maski papano, i still have that to deal with.

    hindi ko naman gagawin sa kanya yun eh, in spite of what happened. alam kong masakit eh. and alam kong hindi dapat talaga ginagawa yun sa taong mahal mo. it may be something difficult to believe, but that's the truth. i've been with myself long enough to know what i am and am not capable of doing.

    but what you say is true, na baka something worse will happen. i guess part of the reason why i wanted to let go was that i'm afraid that she'll do it again, but this time, she won't tell me. and hindi ko na talaga kakayanin yun.

    but thank you for your stories. they make me feel like trying again, (anything makes me feel like trying again. right now, i feel like writing her, but i probably won't) though i know that you wanted to make me see that it's a bad idea to do so.

    a part of me thinks, wala nang susunod pa, wala nang iba. many will reply (naturally) that there are many fishes in the ocean, many birds in the sky, but damn me to hell if i did not love that particular bird so much...

    thank you for the comfort you bring me.
  • manabsmanabs Member PExer
    I guess part of the reason is long distance relationship kayo. I personally don't believe in long distance relationships succeeding. Iba pa rin yung physically present yung partner mo kesa sa boses lang niya sa phone o hello niya sa email. At one point or another, loneliness will creep in and yun na, temptation may get the better of one of both parties.

    I was seriously dating this girl when I was back in the P.I.. The only thing was we both knew that I'd leave for the States so we decided not to take it to the next level. Ngayon, friends pa rin kami. A part of me still wants her but since we're not really together, I don't feel obliged to be faithful to her and vice versa so hindi kami nagkakasakitan.
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    hi manabs,

    also, thanks for replying.

    yes, long distance pero siya ang may gusto nun eh. sabi ko wag, don't leave, hintayin ako, it was a matter of months, and she goes hindi, mauna na ako. kaya natin yan. then i said, gusto mo ba break na lang tayo, sabi niya hindi. kaya natin to. :(

    now this happens. i keep thinking of calling her... pero tama ba naman yun. ako na ang ginago, ako pa ang hahabol. sobrang hirap lang talaga... oh, i sound just so damn pathetic...

    it's stupid and pointless to call her though since long distance pa rin anyway and i'm probably just settin myself up for more heartaches.

    takot din ako, baka wala nang sumunod na iba. i'm having a hard time starting over. everybody says, this pass but it's taking too damn long... :(
  • BeaSantosBeaSantos Member PExer
    hi rain,

    :( sad naman ng thread na eto... sad din ng mga replies... ang daming naloloko... count me in...

    my almost 3 year relationship with my ex-bf ended more than a month ago. May major fight kami nung una.. he lied to me na may crush syang officemate. I didn't mind kung may crush sya.. yung masakit eh kung bakit kelangan pa nyang magcnungaling. we got back together again pero he's different na.. cold na sya.. a month after, i eventually broke up with him because i realized na may ibang issues pa kami na wouldn't help us kung icocontinue pa namin yung relationship. he readily said yes sa breakup after one try. i was having a hard time accepting the break-up kasi i felt that our relationship was almost perfect.

    background pala muna. i was assigned to the US last April 2002 and long distance relationship kami. Pero wala naman kami naging problem sa long distance until naging crush nya yung officemate nya.

    to cut the story short, when i went back to manila last december, i found out na he brought the girl in his barkada's christmas party. I really felt like I died when i found out. Wala ng sasakit pa sa ginawa nya. I broke down in front of my family and friends na never kong ginawa because I am usually strong pagdating sa mga problems. Ang sakit sakit ng ginawa nya. Tapos, barkada pa nya nagsabi sa akin nun, eh nde ko naman sila close. Sabi nila kalimutan ko na lang and i didnt deserve him. Ang daming advices and alam kong para sa akin yung sinasabi nila. Pero what really helped me is yung na-realize ko na what went wrong...

    Did you ever ask yourself kung ano naging problema sa relationship nyo? I wasn't a perfect gf (pero faithful ako hmp!) and isa isa ko narealize mistakes ko after the breakup. Im not rationalizing what he did. Pero its good kasi to know what went wrong. Ewan ko, pero somehow it healed me. Isa rin sa nagpahirap sa akin magletgo is the thought na perfect yung relationship namin (pero sa totoo, far from perfect). Maybe you are thinking na she's the one din kaya you cant let go. Nung nakita ko na kasi yung mga mali sa amin at sa kanya na rin, mas nakakahinga ako kasi narealize ko na nde talaga kami para sa isat isa.

    Ang mali nya is naghanap sya ng bago para punan yung mga bagay na wala sa relationship namin. If all people think like him, im not surprised kung bakit madaming broken families. Kasi nobody's perfect (this is something i just realized, stupid man isipin). and there would be problems talaga in the relationship. Pero, kung hahanapin mo ung nawawala sa ibang tao, u would have the same pattern. you'll search for the perfect person, which sadly, doesnt exist.

    Share ko lang sayo yung pinakaokay na payong natanggap ko.. My friend told me na God is getting you ready to be the "right" partner for the one who He wants for you. I'm sure may mistakes din sa relationship nyo. Why not learn from it and make sure you dont do the same thing sa next relationship mo? Kaysa naman dun ka pa sa "right" person magkamali di ba?

    Pero pwedeng yung girl lang talaga may mali :D. Kung ganun, she's not worth your tears..

    regards,
    Bea
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    hi beasantos,

    thank you for replying.

    everybody, who is in any relationship, that he or she values, would like to think that the so is the one. otherwise, why stay? di ba?

    ours was a difficult relationship, but i'd like to think we loved one another. hanggang naman ngayon mahal ko sya eh. i want to be fair. she did her share of compromising and being patient and i did mine. siguro ang mali ko is agreeing that she go to the states. dapat maski nagkamatayan, hindi ako pumayag.

    i'd like to think that love is enough, that it conquers all. but i know that it is not. it is just a stubborn idealism of mine. i'm stupid like that. i know that i have tendency to expect a lot from people, that is why, to compensate, i am more forgiving than usual, dahil baka naman, expectations ko lang yun. kaya, maski minsan, mahirap na, or something tells me let go, i hold on, dahil baka i'm just being too demanding. so no, i never thought of her as perfect, though i wanted her to be, and bore whatever imperfection there was. and i never expected our relationship to be perfect, though i wanted it to be, because i convinced myself that difficulties are part of the deal. difficult is never a reason to give up so we did not. ala namang madaling relasyon eh.

    i know i never took her for granted. i wrote everyday, checked my mail twice a day in case she wrote. she called, too, as did i. not to brag, but my phone bill was P7000++, for two months. and hers was somewhere there too. the point is, hindi ko pinabayaan. so walang mali i think.

    pero nalungkot pa rin siguro sya. eh ako rin naman nalungkot eh. halos hindi nga ako kumakain, eh hindi pa rin naman ako nangbabae ah.

    my friends all tell me, she has no way of justifying what she did. maski naman sya eh. tinanong ko, ano ba ang nagawa ko? nagkulang ba ako? sabi nya hindi. wala kang kasalanan. :(

    so there. **** just happens.

    i'm sorry, too, about your relationship. thank you for sharing it. i hope you too, heal in your own time. what you said makes sense. hopefully, i will heal and the next, if there is one, would be better. (but i'd be lying if i didn't say that i don't want the next one. i want this one.) thank you for the comfort. :)
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    to everyone who replied, and made an effort to help me in one way or another, thank you. it was difficult, and it is difficult still; it is simply so hard to see through this haze of anger and pain. however, i remain sane and survive because of what you did. salamat. :)

    we are still broken, and i think we will remain broken. i still find it sad, and feel the loss, but then again, perhaps this is for the best. strange, but i feel at peace. it is unfamiliar to me, because i have not known it for months. but perhaps, i speak to soon: it may be that tomorrow i will awaken in hell once more. nevertheless, i remain thankful for the serenity that surrounds me at this moment.

    i read somewhere that whatever does not kill me, will make me stronger; hopefully, i emerge out of this nightmare a stronger person. may i come out better, and not bitter, and hopefully, i will find love again.

    once more, thank you to everyone, blister, baby_gurl, manabs, gothaleck (you take care. i wish you peace) and beasantos. thank you for your stories and for sharing. again, you brought me so much comfort. :) i wish you all good lives.

    may the fates and good fortune smile kindly upon us all. :)
  • tarzan_dagultarzan_dagul Member PExer
    well goodluck..ive been reading your post for quite some time...and i see myself in you...

    well a piece of advice, why not try to give her a chance..hey man, life is a gamble remember..take ur chance and malay mo magbago at magsisis na rin yung girl... i mean if you really love her that much...u must try to solve it...leaving her will not solve things..try to confront it...and maybe just maybe...ma solve mo..

    man kasi i've been in that situation before, nagloko ako and she found out and we had a fight, and she broke up with me...but i courted her again and again until she decided to give me a second chance for the reason na mahal na mahal pa din niya ako..ganun..although pagnaaalala niya yung mga nagawa ko ehhh nagagalit siya ehhh..nawawala naman din agad yun


    goodluck
  • Tissue_PaperTissue_Paper Member PExer
    I have a similar experience din. And pareho tayong guy. 2 years yung samin ng gf ko. Nung months before our end, nalaman ko na nagkakarelasyon sa iba, away kami, tas sabi ko ayaw ko na. Then nagask siya for another chance, ako naman stupid, pumayag. Pero sabi ko he has to break any communication with the other guy. Sige daw, tapos after that, halatang halata na di na sha kapareho ng dati. Para bang sinasadya na di maganda pagtrato sakin, she doesn't tell me stuff etc. Then nung Christmas, I had enough and broke up with her. Siya pa mismo tanong kung break na lang eh di sabi ko oo. Tapos next thing I know, nag-uusap nanaman sila nung guy na nagkarelsyon siya. Pesteng peste ako kasi yun na nga reason kung baket nagkaproblema kami tas yun din pala reason kung baket niya gustong matapos yung relationship namin.

    Ang hurt sobra noh, I despised her after that. I told her na sobrang sama niya, na contrary to the belief of other people, napakasama niya. I told her na I regretted every time I spent with her and I didn't even want to talk to her anymore. I told her that starting that time, I didn't even know her.

    Alam kong masama mga sinabi ko pero di ba masmasama yung ginawa niya?

    Kaya if I were you rain, huwag ka papaloko, paghumingi ng second chance yan, chances are it won't work out. For one thing, you now know that she's capable of doing such an act, that'll be a problem for you in trusting her. Secondly, a girl who does something like that does not deserve someone who loves her with all his heart.

    And one more thing, ang unfair sabihin na karamihan ng lalake ang nangangaliwa. I don't know if I'm just bitter or something but I really hate it when people say that guys are the ones who usually make mistakes and bad stuff, I mean girls are as deceitful, maybe even more evil when it comes to ruining relationships. Masmagaling silang manloko at mambola, may paiyakiyak pa naglalaro lang pala.
  • rain_028rain_028 Member PExer
    hi there,

    gusto kung sa gusto. i want to give her a second chance. the problem is, i'm trying to set conditions and ayaw niya. gusto niya, the same as before na parang walang nangyari. essentially, gusto niya, long distance kami ulit and all i have is her word that hindi niya uulitin. malabo ata yun. now this time, sya na ang bumitaw eh. hindi raw niya kaya yung hinihingi ko (na wag kami long distance). ayoko namang maghabol. ako na nga ang ginago eh, ako pa ang hahabol. ano ba naman yun. di ba? eh, hindi naman ako naging salbahe sa kanya, and hindi naman ako salbaheng tao in general. so, i know that i don't deserve the heartaches that she has caused.

    i love her dearly and want her back. right now, i know i want no one else. noon man o ngayon, maski merong tumihayang hubad na babae sa harap ko, hindi ko papansinin. i feel that there is no one else for me and i miss her so much. but i know that she also has to want me back and must be willing to work for it. mukhang ayaw niyang i-suffer yung consequences nung actions niya eh. yun nga, gusto niya, kalimutan ko na lang and we'll try again, as if nothing happened. hay labo. so i know that i must bear this and suck it in, and hope for the best.

    wish me luck please. updates? well, she has not written for more than a week now, and ako rin. i so want to call or write but i'm hesitant eh. malaki na nga ang ulo't mayabang eh, baka lalo pang lumaki't yumabang.

    what a cruel world we live in.
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