How can parents give their teens enough freedom and yet be assured of their safety?

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

I've a nine-year old daughter, not yet a full-blown teenager but you know how kids are these days....

I want her to be independent and to learn how to be responsible at an early age.... however, I also would want to be assured of her safety.

For you young people (I know there are a lot of teenagers here in PEx, or even those who were "young once" - you can relate can you?), what would you want your parents to do so that you'll have the right amount of freedom and yet be assured that you are being given the right guidance and support?

[rains_delight]

They allowed me to go out with friends provided, I got a satisfactory grades during the last quarter. This was my reward.

But during summer vacations, I was allowed to go out but up to a certain time, say 8 pm, I should be at home already.

Let your daughter tell you where she goes so you will know her whereabouts. Also, dont forget to bring her cellphone for communication.

enjoy ...ann.

[kartoonista]

Talk to your daughter and bond with her, be her best friend so she would struggle with opening up with problems. Invite her all her friends at home and bond with them too. That way they'll also watch out for your daughter.

I also agree with the cellphone and limited time out.

[boardbuster]

Originally posted by Fairy_nd_meadow
I've a nine-year old daughter, not yet a full-blown teenager but you know how kids are these days....

I want her to be independent and to learn how to be responsible at an early age.... however, I also would want to be assured of her safety.

For you young people (I know there are a lot of teenagers here in PEx, or even those who were "young once" - you can relate can you?), what would you want your parents to do so that you'll have the right amount of freedom and yet be assured that you are being given the right guidance and support?

Know your daughter very well and let her know in return how much you care for here. Never allow any instance of mistrust on your part or her part to occur.

These should start early in the formative years. Giving her a reasonable weekly allowance even at the early age is a sign of trust. It means you trust her that she will spend her allowance wisely and she trust you that you will not demand an explanation of how she spends it.

When she asks for permission to do something with which you object, do not just say no. Find out why that is important to her and then also explain the reasons why you would object to it. Be willing to compromise. A disagreement between a parent and the kid should not be a battle for power or control. A disagreement is a chance to open up to each other and to know each others motivations. Do not let a disagreement left unresolved. If everyone needs additional information, set aside a day and time when the issue is to be discussed again.

Remember that although the child came through you, the parent, the child is not from you, and even though the child is with you, the child does not belong to you.

[aajao]

Walang pinakamahusay na paraan kundi ang bukas na komunikasyon sa inyong pamilya. Gaya nga ng binanggit ni kartoonista, gawin mong best friend ang anak mo.

Sa parte kase ng mga anak, kapag komportable ang kalooban nya sa mga magulang, hindi na niya kailangang magdalawang-isip pa para malaman niya ang mga limitations nya kapag malayo sya sa mga magulang niya.

Siguro, isang paraan din para maging komportable ang anak sa magulang, kapag may nagawang mali ang anak at naikwento nya ito sa magulang, hindi dapat sisihin ng magulang ang anak sa pagkakamaling yun. Bagkus, yun ang pinakamagandang pagkakataon para sabihan ng magulang ang anak kung ano ang natutunan nya sa pangyayaring iyon. Kasabay nito ang pagpapayo sa anak para sa mga susunod na pagkakataon.

For a related discussion, you can share your thoughts here.

May you and your daughter live a happy life.

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

Remember that although the child came through you, the parent, the child is not from you, and even though the child is with you, the child does not belong to you. [/QUOTE]


======================


Thanks. I always seem to forget that my child has a different identity, and should have her own life.... that my concepts of things may not be the same as hers.... that my tastes may all be different and that she may feel comfortable in some situations I'm not....

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

Originally posted by aajao
Walang pinakamahusay na paraan kundi ang bukas na komunikasyon sa inyong pamilya. Gaya nga ng binanggit ni kartoonista, gawin mong best friend ang anak mo.

Sa parte kase ng mga anak, kapag komportable ang kalooban nya sa mga magulang, hindi na niya kailangang magdalawang-isip pa para malaman niya ang mga limitations nya kapag malayo sya sa mga magulang niya.

Siguro, isang paraan din para maging komportable ang anak sa magulang, kapag may nagawang mali ang anak at naikwento nya ito sa magulang, hindi dapat sisihin ng magulang ang anak sa pagkakamaling yun. Bagkus, yun ang pinakamagandang pagkakataon para sabihan ng magulang ang anak kung ano ang natutunan nya sa pangyayaring iyon. Kasabay nito ang pagpapayo sa anak para sa mga susunod na pagkakataon.

For a related discussion, you can share your thoughts here.

May you and your daughter live a happy life.

Salamat. Mahirap maging magulang. Parang nasa iyo ang responsibilidad kung paano magpapakatao ang iyong anak, ikaw pa rin ang may pinakamalaking impluwensya sa kanya.... Kaya tama ka na dapat ay wag magkukulang sa pagsasabi sa anak, ngunit hindi sa paraang pagalit, kundi pakita na iyon ay dahil mahal mo ang anak mo.

[JoYcE`TiK]

you should teach the child how to show respect, not just to the parent or to the elders, but to everyone including himself. you instill values. you command authority (but not in a bad way, like anger). be his friend but never forget to be the parent.
going back to respect, if he respects his parents he wouldn't just do things that he knows his parents wouldn't approve. he'd be conscientious of what he does. at the same time, the parents should respect his space. and they should trust each other.
never threat.. this might lead to rebellion.

[flowerbee_30]

for me my parents give me the 20 questions : who when where how : asked who i was with , what time i would be leaving and arriving home , how i was going to get there . i get annoyed with it but i know its for my own safety , they won't let me go out with anyone they don't know they have to meet my friends ect before let me go with them / company , they didn't let me out with friends until i was 15 years old , they always knew the parents of my friends . i became independent when i started high school because i live far away from my school and the only to get there was public transport when no one could take me to school , so my parenst let me commute . Responsibilities i learn't from a very young age because when we moved here to Melbourne we had no blood relatives and my mom and step dad had to work to keep us sheltered , dressed and feed , totally different life from the wealth and privledge we had back in Manila , so my sister brother and i learn't how to cook clean wash ect .

give them limits , also if u are living in a western country i know how hard it is to raise kids and also keep to your traditions back in your birth of country , my parents never had that much trouble
with me when i was growing well just in my early teens i was confused with who i was and what my existances in this world was to meant to be . my parents esp. my mom balanced the western culture and filipino culture together , the teenagers live under your roof so u have a lot of power if u communicate with them and spend time with them , don't let them have the power u r the parent not them but also let them express them selfs in a way that is acceptable to the community and those around them if u know what i mean . respect is a major issue nowadays alot of teenagers don't have that , they vandalize and graffiti , shop lift , don't have respect for their parents elders and those around ect this reflects on the way parents bring them up . give them best of 2 worlds not only one , i was exposed to poverty in person / with my own 2 eyes until last year when i was in manila and my cousins and aunties and uncles took me to those places as short cuts to avoid traffic and ways to get around , i usually just see it on TV but not in person , and my life back in manila a wealthy family with everything i want and here the same . and so on .

[quicay]

once parents gave out their freedom, they can never be sure of their kids' safety... pero shempre d naman pwede yon...
message ko sa both parties: earn each others' trust.
sa mga teens na namomroblema sa mga parents nilang saksakan ng higpit,---> pa-feel nyo lang na you can be trusted.
when i was in high school, curfew sila ng curfew. d ko nga sinunod! kc naman wala naman akong ginagawang masama at di **** delikado. basta text ko lang kung nasan ako at sinasabi ko kung anong ginagawa ko.
may classmate naman ako, pano ba naman sya papayagan e naughty naman talaga sya e. *** tipong pabuntis.... d talaga dapat payagan *** mga ganun!
sa mga parents.---> communicate and trust ur kids na lang. samahan ng prayer at lots of paalala. d naman sila sa inyo. kay God sila.

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

Originally posted by flowerbee_30

give them limits , also if u are living in a western country i know how hard it is to raise kids and also keep to your traditions back in your birth of country , my parents never had that much trouble
with me when i was growing well just in my early teens i was confused with who i was and what my existances in this world was to meant to be . my parents esp. my mom balanced the western culture and filipino culture together , the teenagers live under your roof so u have a lot of power if u communicate with them and spend time with them , don't let them have the power u r the parent not them but also let them express them selfs in a way that is acceptable to the community and those around them if u know what i mean . respect is a major issue nowadays alot of teenagers don't have that , they vandalize and graffiti , shop lift , don't have respect for their parents elders and those around ect this reflects on the way parents bring them up . give them best of 2 worlds not only one , i was exposed to poverty in person / with my own 2 eyes until last year when i was in manila and my cousins and aunties and uncles took me to those places as short cuts to avoid traffic and ways to get around , i usually just see it on TV but not in person , and my life back in manila a wealthy family with everything i want and here the same . and so on .

Thanks a lot. This helps me much since we'll be moving to Toronto within the year 2002, and I know my daughter will experience a lot of changes, and I need to be there for her, yet give her the independence she needs.

Thanks a lot.

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

Originally posted by JoYcE`TiK
you should teach the child how to show respect, not just to the parent or to the elders, but to everyone including himself. you instill values. you command authority (but not in a bad way, like anger). be his friend but never forget to be the parent.
going back to respect, if he respects his parents he wouldn't just do things that he knows his parents wouldn't approve. he'd be conscientious of what he does. at the same time, the parents should respect his space. and they should trust each other.
never threat.. this might lead to rebellion.

Yup, I agree. Thanks joyce"tik.

My daughter doesn't really do the customary ways children used to do in the past.... I don't know if I'd still enforce some of the things we all grew up with here in the Phils, like saying"po" and "opo" (she doesn't anymore when she talks to me), she talks to me like her peer, she tells me I'm stupid sometimes, and stuff like that.... Sometimes I wonder if that is a sign of disrespect but nevertheless she shows me she holds me in high regard because she asks me what to do often, she listens to me when I tell her things about anything, she believes in me, asks me intelligent questions about the decisions I made, and respects other people and doesn't step on others just so she could have her way. For me, that is better, far better than saying "po" and "opo" yet at my back she disobeys me.

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

Originally posted by quicay
once parents gave out their freedom, they can never be sure of their kids' safety... pero shempre d naman pwede yon...
message ko sa both parties: earn each others' trust.
sa mga teens na namomroblema sa mga parents nilang saksakan ng higpit,---> pa-feel nyo lang na you can be trusted.
when i was in high school, curfew sila ng curfew. d ko nga sinunod! kc naman wala naman akong ginagawang masama at di **** delikado. basta text ko lang kung nasan ako at sinasabi ko kung anong ginagawa ko.
may classmate naman ako, pano ba naman sya papayagan e naughty naman talaga sya e. *** tipong pabuntis.... d talaga dapat payagan *** mga ganun!
sa mga parents.---> communicate and trust ur kids na lang. samahan ng prayer at lots of paalala. d naman sila sa inyo. kay God sila.

Prayer is truly important. No matter how hard we try to be good parents, I still believe God makes a difference.... and He does have the answers. So prayers, as parents, are very, very important. Thanks.

[JoYcE`TiK]

Originally posted by Fairy_nd_meadow
she talks to me like her peer, she tells me I'm stupid sometimes, and stuff like that....

it's good she's comfortable being around you. i'm not like that to my mom, she became too much of a mom for me.
i dunno if this would make sense at all but i never let her see me cross my legs until i was 19. i didn't want her to know i'm all grown up already, part of me feels like i never want to leave my childhood so we would have a 'normal' mom-daughter relationship which of course isn't normal pala. dapat friends din

[DELISYUS]

sometimes, it's not how much freedom, leeway, independence a parent gives...but how much the teenager himself/herself thinks he/she deserves/needs.....


parents can be very supportive and encouraging and yet still have kids that will complain....

sometimes, no matter how much a parent gives, a child will just decide for himself/herself to get lost......

[CaRaMBa]

You know I've been wondering about this question too. Pretty tough for parents, huh? The world around us right now isn't safe, so it's really scary.