It’s quite funny that after I throw away all the fragments of the things that would make me remember you, the memories still haunt me from time to time.
Is this a call that I need you back?
Of course not. Call it denial, but I’m not the kind who’d long for the past.
Sometimes it can be deceiving. But no matter how unknown what’s ahead of me, I still believe I shouldn’t deserve anything less. I value my upbringing so much that I would not want to spend the next days of my life with someone who isn’t willing to undergo everything just to have me. We live in an instant world where wishes can be granted at our fingertips. Sometimes those wishes were meant to escape a problem. I’m really sorry that it didn’t work for me, and that I have a lot of things to consider first before I declare that the dating game is over.
Just so you know, growing up without my father isn’t that easy. And the only assurance I could give to my ailing mom was for me to be with someone whom I know will always be there for me no matter what. The fact that she’s in a not-so-good health condition now only proved that it’s a wise decision not to accept your marriage proposal after all.
Of course I don’t miss you. Who would miss someone who made those sleepless nights a living hell? Who would miss someone who seemed to be ideal but turned out to be the worst thing in the end? The best that could happen was for heavens to take away all the emotional pain. But looking back at how I overcame the endless cries, the physical stress, the pouring out of pain to friends, those days and weeks that passed without even a word from you, that instant when I felt all alone and people around me were already annoyed by my never-ending rant, that entire period when the fact that you’re gone seemed too heavy to bear; it is when I look back on these moments that I’d like to congratulate myself that I surpassed the test.
I don’t miss you because it’s wrong to do so. I wouldn’t want to miss the way you made me realize that I shouldn’t just trust anybody no matter how convincing the words are. I especially don’t miss how I believed in you so much that you can be a better person despite your past. How I believed you can overcome the vices each time I throw away the cigarettes, literally and figuratively. I don’t miss how I let go of you that easy like you don’t have a girlfriend because I believed in you so much that you’ll end up with me after all your flirting. Maybe it is only during these times that I can’t help but remember the once so perfect fairytale that was destined to end.
I hate that time when I chose to trust you. For it created memories that would often recur like a ghost haunting me from time to time.
I don’t miss those times we used to laugh about nonsense things. The way we contradict each other’s sentences. The way we always debate like it’s a never-ending argument. Our first date when both of us were sick but still we managed to see each other. That moment when we first held hands when you were about to fall while we’re standing inside the rail transit. The moment you hugged me at the movie house and told me “sana, wag nang matapos yung movie”. The way you always tell me “Idol”, “Miss Assimo” and then I call you “Boy Pick Up” in return. Your voice that would calm me every night. That moment you called me when you reacted at my painting about a girl on top of a cliff, afraid to fall. That moment when you said to just trust you despite not knowing everything. I hate to miss the last time we parted, and I can see tears in your eyes while I kept myself wondering why because we were both happy during that time, that moment when you told me “Sana hindi pa ito yung huli” and then I told you “Magkikita pa naman tayo eh” while I’m laughing at you because you were crying, that instant when you told me if I can kiss you in public before I get inside that rail transit, the last time we met when I hugged you tightly, sensing that it might be the last, and told the words “ayokong mawala ka” while tears were falling in my eyes.
I would often curse those vivid memories because they haunt me almost everyday. I don’t miss them because they’re destined to happen in the first place. If not for those, I wouldn’t learn how to be stronger.
I can never thank you enough by how much I’ve learned from you. Those damn months were too swift but there are many lessons I’d like to remember. Somehow I’d like to thank God that you came into my life to teach me a very important lesson. Maybe our breakup was a sign that I needed to reassess my goals in life. Thank you for the admiration, for being so proud of me, and for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. You taught me how to rise from the rubble, just as you have learned to live all by yourself without depending on people. Maybe we’re in the same boat sometimes— I admired how strong you were to have survived and lived without your parents, while I can’t fathom the fact for now that someday she is going to leave us.
Thank you for being there at my lowest point. I salute you enough for all the experiences you have been through when you told me your story, and you were there when I was too afraid to face failure. Believe it or not, you were one of the strongest people I’ve met my entire life. I think it was one of the reasons why I learned to love you in the long run. You taught me to believe in myself and have faith in Him; and that what I am going through is nothing compared to what the others have been through.
Thank you for constantly reaffirming that God loved me so much and because of that I learned to appreciate myself and believed in Him even more. Thank you for always telling me that i’m your “idol”. To be honest although I would often be shy and irritated about it, it helped in any way that someone believed in me more than I do.
The last thing I’d like to remember was all those lessons you taught me. You were right when you said that God loved me so much that He won’t just put me up with anyone who isn’t worth my love. At this moment while I type this, I am so sure that I can tell myself that I already moved on. The sweetest thing I can say to you for now is that I’m so grateful to have learned a lesson from this stupid mistake. If not for the experience, I wouldn’t pursue my abandoned dream to become a lawyer someday. The failure that I had from this situation was so strong that it taught me to stand up on my own again, without having to remember how you used to believe in me.
Thank you for everything. For now I’d stick with my principle that you were already a part of my past and there would no longer be any reason to open bridges with you again, despite my contentment in what I already have now. I write this for the purpose that someday, I can mentally review the lessons this experience gave me.
I’m ending this letter with a smile. The pain gave me a better outlook in life. I’ve never been this close to family and friends ever since. I’ve become more enthusiastic to pursue my dreams. I learned to enjoy the dating game so much before it lasts and learned not to rush into things that easy; because anyone I’d like to settle down must be willing to wait for me no matter how long it’d take. Thanks for being a part of my history. It’s worth reviewing after all. God bless.