Taiwan/East Asia - Lonely, Depressing, No Eye Contact

[WWu777]

I have a question.

I'm a Taiwanese American staying in Taiwan now. Every time I go out in Taiwan, esp if there's a lot of young people around, I feel so depressed, isolated and disconnected, as though I don't exist. No one makes any eye contact with me at all. And when people eat, they turn their head downwards, like solemn monks or something. It looks so repressed when they do that. I'm the only one who eats with his head up while looking at the people around me, which makes me feel freakish like the "odd one out" since no one looks back at me. I can't help but feel depressed and lonely by this. It makes me feel totally isolated and disconnected from others.

How do other foreigners here tolerate it? How do they live here for years on end? I certainly can't tolerate this. It's so damn depressing to see this everytime. I can't be myself. I can't make eye contact with people, can't flirt, can't open a conversation using English, etc. The whole thing is the most UNNATURAL thing in the world.

How do other guys tolerate it? I can't imagine I'm the only one who feels this way. Is there something wrong with me? I imagine I would feel the same way in Japan or Korea too, since everyone says there is no eye contact with strangers there either.

Also, since no one in public here is talking to anyone they don't know, or cold approaching anyone, it feels totally inappropriate and "out on a limb" for me to approach any girls to start up a conversation. I just don't get good vibes from the experience at all. Other than one guy I know, I've NEVER EVER seen any guy, white or asian, here making cold approaches toward women to try to start up a conversation or flirt with them. It just isn't normal. People usually meet new people at parties/get togethers, or through mutual friends, similar to America. Cold approaches is not even part of the paradigm here, so it's not even an issue. It's also very depressing when you see a hot girl with a cute face, thin body, or sexy long legs, who totally ignores you and doesn't even look back at you - which makes it feel completely inappropriate to try to hit on her.

I'm sure people here are very nice and considerate deep down, but it's just so hard to break the ice. I've been to a few parties and picnics here, and people are nicer and more sociable there. But out in public, there is no eye contact at all, and that feels so depressing and deflating.

Can someone explain why this makes me depressed, in an objective way, without any victim blaming?

Most countries are not like this. Eye contact is normal in most countries. Keep that in mind.

My parents say this is normal and to not take it personally. But they are repressed themselves, and repressed people don't see anything wrong with other repressed people of course. Only non-repressed people do.

Am I a total misfit here, in terms of personality and communication style? What can you do about that?

Has anyone else experienced this in East Asia too?

[WWu777]

My Theory: 3 Reasons why Taiwanese give me bad vibes

I have a theory about why I often get bad or negative vibes from Taiwanese strangers whenever I go out in Taiwan (which makes me prefer not going out) which makes me feel like I'm in some kind of "anti-matter universe" where everything is inversed. Here it is:

First, since no one is making any eye contact with strangers since it's the Chinese way to completely ignore the existence of strangers (while being good to those they know), perhaps me doing the opposite puts them off? Out in public, I'm actually TRYING to make eye contact with others in order to start a conversation, since I hate being completely ignored. Perhaps this is too abnormal in a Chinese environment, esp since I have a Chinese face. And so it sort of "creeps" people out (even though it wouldn't in other countries). If I was a white person, it might be more acceptable to do that, but an Asian guy isn't supposed to be trying to look at strangers in the eye, so I am not expected to be different.

Second, I don't carry a repressed, stiff, inhibited facial expression everywhere I go, like Chinese/Japanese/Koreans typically do. So perhaps my NONrepressed face acts like a mirror that subconsciously makes Taiwanese face their repressed nature and see it for what it is, which makes them uncomfortable?

Third, since I'm a spiritually liberated person who does not need to conform and does not live in fear, but lives in a world of freedom and possibilities, perhaps this creates a different kind of aura or energy field around me, as opposed to the typical "fear aura" that Taiwanese have from their conditioning? Like most East Asians, Taiwanese are brought up to live in fear and insecurity in order to make them compliant, obedient and conformist, so it eventually becomes part of their aura/energy field. Therefore, if I have a different kind of aura that is not fear based, perhaps that too puts them off and makes them uncomfortable because again, it acts like a mirror that makes them subconsciously realize the negative energy emanating from them, which they don't want to face?

What do you think? Does this make sense? Is this explanation plausible?

[WWu777]

Ok I sent my above post in the OP to two white guys living long term in Taiwan (one of which has been living here for 10 years). One of them even berated me for considering the idea of "cold approach" in Taiwan. Here is what he said:

Hi Winston,

So, people here are efficient when eating. No talking, heads near bowls and eating their whatever. You are supposed to eat with your head towards the bowl, not looking around. What's your problem?

People here don't make much eye contact, which is fine with me. I tolerate this because I mind my own damn business and enjoy my meal and other activities. I can live here because I am comfortable here. I hate it when people make eye contact or stare. The only time no eye contact bothers me is when they don't make eye contact and they're the driver and I'm the pedestrian. Overall, it's NATURAL (for Asia, that is).

If you know you can't change their behaviour, don't get uptight. Yes, there is something wrong with you. Hahaha.

I get it about what really bothers you about Taiwan. "Cold approaches" put off girls here, and maybe you come on too strong. Stop complaining, and adapt. Observe what local men do, and copy. Girls are conservative here. Change your methods. Start slow if you want to meet a girl.

Here or back in Canada, I've never done cold approaches. It's dumb dumb dumb, because females anywhere think they are being treated like objects rather than human beings.

You're depressed because you aren't having things YOUR WAY. Life is not like that. Be like wheat and flow with the wind. Or better yet, make a windmill and turn that wheat into bread. If you resist adapting OF COURSE YOU WILL BE DEPRESSED.

Yes, you are a misfit. See you soon.

Oh well. He wasn't that sympathetic. But at least he was honest and did not try to misportray Taiwan as a pickup paradise.

And the other white guy who's been here for 10 years said this:

ya, this is kind of the way Taiwan is. or, i should say Chinese society and probably east asian society (i.e., korea, japan, china). i've actually tried to explain it too. chinese are very very nice and helpful if they know you personally. if you are a friend, they will really bend over backwards to be nice and helpful. but, for people they dont know, there really is zero connection. the reason i know that is because if you go in an elevator, you will see lots of girls fixing their makeup or their hair in the mirror with lots of other people in the elevator. they have zero self-consciousness about the other people in the elevator because they dont know them and its like they dont exist. for us, we would not be able to do that just because we would still feel their presence. but, for chinese, they dont know these people, therefore its like the dont exist.

you're right. it's tough. and it's one of the difficult things that ive had to deal with living in taiwan. and maybe why i like going to phil so often.

actually, i was just reading an article that a guy wrote in Japan that sounds very similar to experiences in Taiwan. you should check it out.

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/fl2...a9nsE.facebook

This is so true. Chinese are very good to you if they know you. But if you are a stranger, you simply don't exist to them. It's a strange characteristic inherent in Chinese people. I noticed this growing up in California around Chinese people too. This is common knowledge, so I don't know why it's not talked about publicly on any travel sites or programs.

The same guy later admitted that Taiwan often gets lonely, when I brought it up, which is rare since guys don't like to admit to loneliness since it exposes them to vulnerability. He said:

yes, it does feel very isolated and lonely here. sometimes i walk by restaurants and see large groups of chinese having dinner after work and know that i will likely never be invited to those kinds of gatherings. i've even tried to invite myself along to events like that, but i usually get, "i'll see if my other friends are ok with it", which usually means no.

sure, i guess u can post what u wrote last time. as long as i can see the video u are talking about haha

And of course, my retired therapist friend, who is an expert in psychology, told me that Taiwan is socially not much different than America:

Hey Winston,

Of course it is normal to feel the depressive feelings you are feeling in the sterilized culture of Taiwan. You are in a place where you feel isolated and have few people that understand you and so far as I know, you do not even speak the local languauge. As I told you, I have been to Taiwan and it is not much different (to me) socially than being in the United States.
..........
You probably need to make a move and plan your trip to China because otherwise you will probably sink more into a depressive funk. It is quite normal given your lack of sexual, lack of connection and feelings of being misunderstood (which are real feelings) by your family and the culture at large.

Remember, it is not YOU--it is THEM!!!! You are just in a place that doesn't fit your needs and it is beginning to wear on you. Find a place that fits your needs and the rest will take care of itself.

[WWu777]

Taiwanese girls make me feel worthless, unloved and unwanted

For some reason, I never get any responses from Taiwanese girls on dating sites, no matter whether I send out 50 messages or 100 messages. They make me feel so worthless, unwanted, unloved, undesired, etc. It's terrible and invalidating. I hate it. But on the other hand, I get a lot of responses from girls on dating sites from China, Thailand and Philippines. They make me feel like a real man - desired, wanted, valued, appreciated, etc.

Why the big difference? What is the problem? Who is the problem? Is it me or the sterile environment of Taiwan and the overly picky spoiled girls who are cold and stuck up?

If the problem is me, then how come girls in many other countries treat me so much better, are more warm and open, and more enthusiastic and appreciative toward me? Why do I feel so much more valuable to foreign girls? They make me FEEL so much better about myself. How can I feel like a totally different person to women from different cultures? The difference is staggering. It's like I'm two different people - a worthless guy in Taiwan, and a valued desired guy in many other countries.

It's really weird how location changes everything and makes all the difference.

Before anyone attacks me, let me ask you this: If you were me, would you prefer to feel wanted, desired and valuable? Or unwanted, undesired and worthless? Which one?