weve been together for 4 years, mutually broke up 3 years ago. Weve been friends ever since we broke up, and now he has moved on and found a new girlfriend.
I initiated the break up because it was hard for me to be in a long distance relationship.... (we broke up a year after he left for Canada), and though he is a good man, I honestly thought that he still needs a lot of growing up to do. I felt that he didn't have goals at the time we were together and I wanted him to experience more of life. Of course he doesn't entirely know my reasons. All he knows is that LDR is hard for me and besides, we didn't have the means to visit each other because of financial reasons. It was very painful for me to let him go because I did love him so damn much. We used to loved each other so damn much. But I felt my decision was right at that time.
Though weve been friends these past three years, I can say that it was never possible for me to just be friends with him. We were friends in a sense that we say hello to each other but without the closeness that we used to have. I pretended to be friends with him, just like everyone else who loves and hopes. How can I be friends with someone I passionately loved and cared for, for 4 years? How can I be friends with someone I used to be intimate with? How can I be friends with someone I shared my life with? but somehow, I agreed to it because in my heart and mind, I was still hoping that we'd get back to each others lives someday.
But now, I feel like a dumbazz for feeling this way, for foolishly dreaming of something that is long gone. Ive never had a boyfriend since we broke up though I tried dating a few men, but I cannot seem to entertain the idea of holding someone else's hand or being with someone else. Is it a sin to still love him all these years? Am I making myself miserable by still being friends with him? Should I just leave everything to fate? I don't want to unfriend him on fb (where their pictures are all over the place) because I don't want him to think that I clearly haven't moved on.
My mind is happy for him, my heart says otherwise.
Harsh comments are welcome. Burst my bubble. I need to fckng wake up.