Girlfriend lost her cousin -- acting angry with me!

[cravemusic]

I'm posting this because I just don't know what else to do to help my girlfriend. Or how to get some thicker skin. To be as brief as possible:

We've been together for two years now. Mostly happy although some difficulty a couple of months ago and we broke up but we reconciled and got back together 6 months ago. We were working things out and seemed to be getting along better before her cousin passed away. My girlfriend loved her cousin very much as she was like a big sister to my girl. She looked up to her a lot and turned to her for support since she was a kid. I see her cousin as an older sister too. Went with her several times on family get-togethers, and made a very nice connection with her cousin... We got along great.

After her cousin’s sudden death, she understandably, became extremely moody.... which progressed to anger---directed some toward herself or family, but mostly at me!

I feel like I could no longer talk to her without her getting mad or pissed at me.

The other day, I was telling her about my day at work and I mentioned that I felt like I’ve hit rock bottom with how things are going at the bank and instead of empathizing with me, she snapped at me for “whining about trivial things” and proceeded to lash out at me. Accusing me of being narrow-minded and calling me a spoiled, privileged jerk who take things for granted. I know that there are worse things in life than the stock index going down but I wanted to reach out to her and share what was going on with my life. Work has been kicking my *** in so many ways and I thought sharing my troubles with her would help me feel better like it used to.

There are several instances when she would explode or lose her temper over the smallest things. It’s like everything that comes out of my mouth makes her angry. I understand that being angry is part of the grieving process but this is just ridiculous. She’s acting as if I killed her cousin or something. When she’s not withdrawing from the world and shutting me out, she’s either mad or irritated with me. It’s so difficult because we live together so I’m always at the receiving end of her wrath. It feels as if I’m constantly walking on egg shells around her.

Although my needs aren't important right now, I wanted badly to pamper her... to take care of her but she wouldn’t let me. A part of me feels a bit frustrated that my best intentions, my sweetest gestures are taken for granted. I want to provide at least some measure of comfort in the best ways I know how, and feel like I'm being shoved aside. I cared for her cousin a great deal and her death affected me even more than I anticipated. I suppose I had the mistaken impression that we could comfort one another and it hurts that she doesn't seem to want any of it.

Almost everything I say or do is annoying or just plain wrong.

I don't know what to do here. Any advice is truly appreciated.... thank you.

[noitanigami]

hey man, i understand where you're coming from. as what i'm seeing here, you're girl hasn't moved on yet with her cousin's death and this would take longer than what you are expecting. you need to sacrifice more than what you did till today. try visiting her cousin's grave one day then talk about the life of her cousin, their special moments together or just random topics about her cousin. what you need to do is take out all of your girl's emotion, let her realize that her cousin can no longer be seen. though hard, what she only needs is a personal disclosure.

[enaej426]

at this point where your GF is mourning .. the best thing to do is be there for her if possible at all times , you don't have to talk , or tell stories about your day but just be there for her. Your presence , your attention , and your affection is what she needs right now . It will take time to heal but it will come .
Be Strong.

[tukmolski]

pare kung ikaw nasa kalagayan ng gf mo ***** at me nawala sa maga kamag anak mo na halos kasing close din ng turingan ng gf mo at pinsan nya ***** hndi lang ganun mararamdaman mo. tulungan mo gf mo na maka get over at move on gradually kasi hndi dapat binibigla yan lalo na kung *** pagsasama nila mas higit pa sa kapatid ang tingin.

[F-A Soldier]

Treat it like its her period. Let her be for the duration.

[juanito5354]

for me:

pahinga konti, layo ka muna hindi yung makikipag-break ka ha, distansya lang pero lagi ka pa rin available for her.

ikaw naman makaka-alam kung balik na sa normal at pwede na ibalik yung dating yung relationship.

[Papichulo168]

Obviously she's still feeling depressed about her cousin's death. One way to counter depression is through excercise. Find a way to incorporate physical activity with the two of you together. Tiisiin mo muna ang temper niya for the duration . Just focus on the excercise and you need to discipline yourself not to challenge her temper. Until you see some improvement, then you can give her affection.

Exercise, discipline and affection.

[cravemusic]

Hello everyone. Thanks for all your advices... all the insights hit the nail on the head. I guess I was pretty angry when I wrote my previous post and I wasn't thinking straight. And I should say that she wasn't like this before. She's had her "fits" over the past 2 years but she was never this ill-tempered and turbulent so this change in her attitude is really alarming.

That being said, I'm afraid she's doing this to try and pull away from me now. She no longer tells me how she's feeling or what's going through her head like she used to.

To give you a little background... when her cousin suddenly died of hemorrhagic stroke about 4 months ago, my girlfriend was shocked and devastated. At first, she seemed to be in denial and buried herself with work… refusing to go to the wake and acted as if nothing was wrong and withdrew within herself. After her cousin’s funeral, her aunt asked her to live with them for a while but she didn’t last for more than 2 weeks because the physical reminders were too much for her to bear. During this time, she did a complete turnaround and became very clingy and needy and she would get anxious when I’m not around. Now, this is very baffling and completely out of character for her since she’s very independent and self-reliant… I didn’t mind the sudden change though and understood that she was going through an emotional rollercoaster, so I tried my best to be by her side as much as I could and be supportive. Since she couldn’t stand living at her aunt’s and she didn’t want to go back to her family’s home [said she doesn’t have the strength to deal with her overbearing mother at the moment], we both agreed it would be best if she lives with me for the time being.

The first 5 weeks that she was staying with me, she was very depressed and overly emotional... I would constantly wake up to sounds of her crying and she was just generally down in the dumps. She hasn’t gone out of the house to this day despite all my encouragements. Her mother, whom she works for, had grown exasperated and replaced her because she refuses to come back to work [she hated working there anyway].

When she asked that I allow her to deal with this on her own terms, I complied. I let her go through the motions of her grief. I gave her space when she asked for it, listened to her when she needed to talk, stayed by her side when she wants someone there, comforted her when she would suddenly break down in tears and took care of her.

There was a period when all she wanted to talk about was her cousin, her thoughts and feelings on what happened, obsessing on every single detail and the "what ifs", and I patiently listened to her go over her stories repeatedly.

But now, she barely speaks. When she does talk, it's only to criticize or berate me. Even a simple conversation would irritate her and she'll shut herself off in our room and sleep. Still though, I managed to bite my tongue much of the time to keep things from escalating. Sometimes, I’m afraid to talk to her because I might say something wrong... or fall into her path for fear it would annoy her.

We're living under the same roof but we might as well be living on a different planet with the distance she's created between us. The rare times that she does manage to tolerate my company, she would drift off into space and I’d feel so far away from her. It’s like she’s here but her mind is wandering off somewhere else.

I’m still doing my very best to be there for her but she keeps pushing me away. I just don’t know how long I could keep up with this.

Sorry for the long rant. It's been a pretty awful week. Anyway, thanks again for everyone who replied. I really appreciate it.

Obviously she's still feeling depressed about her cousin's death. One way to counter depression is through excercise. Find a way to incorporate physical activity with the two of you together. Tiisiin mo muna ang temper niya for the duration . Just focus on the excercise and you need to discipline yourself not to challenge her temper. Until you see some improvement, then you can give her affection.

Exercise, discipline and affection.

I like this suggestion and I would probably encourage her to try exercising with me or just do any physical activity if she didn't hate me so much. But thanks again for the suggestion.

[Papichulo168]

Seems to me that your gf considers her cousin more of a pack leader than you are. So when the cousin died, she doesn't know what to do. Maybe she doesn't want that role of a pack leader so you should better step up and take that role. Bear in mind that to be a pack leader you should project a calm and assertive energy.

[blue_tracer]

affected masyado itong gf mo sa pagkamatay ng cousin niya.. pero lilipas din ito. grieving period.

wala kang choice kundi maging shock absorber lang muna.

[Zeitgeist699]

man, you're right she is in the grieving process. i would advice you to talk to her heart-to-heart and tell her that while you understand that she is in the darkest place right now, she's hurting herself and the people that care about her also. so it would be better if you give each other some space which would give her some time to grieve while you will also have the chance to deal with your problems at work.

[paregoric]

tiis ka lang muna. magdasal ka na rin para mabawasan ang pighati na iyong nararamdaman. kausapin mo lang siya lagi ng maayos. mas iparamdam mo pa lalo ang iyong pagmamahal. isipin mo na lang na hindi niya sinasadya ang lahat ng ginagawa niya ngayon. basta magpakatatag ka. padalhan mo ng mga bulaklak o gifts para lumambot at ma-realize niya ang iyong worth. oki? hehehe

[jazzmine22]

Kung mahal mo talaga, eto ang time na kailangang kailangan ka niya, kaya kahit naiinis ka na, pasensiya muna, sa relasyon, iisa lang to sa mga pagdadaanan ninyo, believe me, nakikita yan ng GF mo, and in time, pag nakapag heal na siya, makikita mo rin kung paano niya naappreciate na hindi mo siya iniwan during one of the lowest time of her life.

[Nils]

I agree that your girl is still grieving for her cousin, let her. But, yes there is a BUT, if this period extends to something that is not reasonable anymore, and the grieving is not doing anything good to her, to you, to your relationship, etc., well, you should take some action. Some people will just continue wallowing in despair if you empower them to continue doing just that. There are those who needs a kick in the @ss to get them back into gear. I can't tell you how much is too much, so you'd have to decide for yourself. You know her best so you'll also have to decide what the best way to kick her @ss out from the pit she dug herself into.

[infinite_trial]

if this is affecting her everyday life, she should see a professional. sorry if i missed it but how long since her cousin died?