This isn't easy. I am seldom the advisee. I've always thought of myself as someone who can figure things out fairly quickly when at a lost but I feel that I must do this and reach out for the sake of keeping my sanity. What I would like to do is to be able to decipher what's going on from the outside looking. Hence, I need your input.
Right around Christmas, I met someone. We began talking and getting to know one another. After close to a month, we became a couple. During one of our conservations soon after, she asked when my "last time" was. I gave her an honest answer. I asked her and she answered. After two weeks, I found out that she lied. I confronted her. I emphasized how important honestly is in our relationship. She "corrected" that lie and gave me what I thought then was the correct answer. Months passed and all was well. A few days ago, we were talking about YM accounts. She gave me her password. I started reading through her history of conversations and I found out that the guy whom she said she had a one-night stand with around Christmastime (also around the time we met) was also this guy whom she claims is only a friend and nothing but. The YM conversations contained lewd, explicit details of what they would do to eachother once the deed is consummated. It also contained details of how the act went, although none of that bothered me. What bothered me was first, back in January, she lied to me. And then when confronted, she made up another lie and said that the guy she slept with was another guy she was FUBUs with. In essence, she made up a lie to cover-up another lie. I was mad at all the dishonestly. She said that it's because she was made to promise by the guy never to say a word to anybody. That got me more upset. How can someone put more value on a pact she made with some guy she had an ONS with over our relationship? She was given plenty of chances to come clean during our argument back in January but lied to me over and over again.
Late February, we found out she was pregnant. We were happy and full of joy and started making plans for our future together. I am based overseas and about to start working on her and our future child to reunite here. She eventually had to quit her job and I promised to support her throughout the process. When we told her parents, her mom had asked me that should the relationship not flourish, that I should not neglect our child. I reassured her that I would be involved in our child's affairs no matter what. But while I was reading her conversations with the other guy, I also found that she was still flirting and still talking dirty with him until late February/early March reminiscing of their time together, after learning that she was pregnant. When confronted, she told me that she didn't plan on doing anything with him in person but was only "stroking his ego." I wondered out loud, is stroking a guy's ego (whom she had an ONS with) more important than our relationship? Shouldn't her role as my girlfriend and future wife be to stay loyal, honest, and true to me instead of building up some other guy's confidence? I'm a man of pride. Integrity, honestly, fidelity are characteristics I value in a relationship. I don't have much, but these, plus my word are things I can offer and expect to be reciprocated on.
Lord knows I want to be with her. And I try. I try to understand her situation that she's with child and she shouldn't be stressed out. I try to keep all the hurt, anger, and pain inside because I don't want to be seen as the guy who ran away from his responsibilities. Plus I love her. I don't want to not be with her. On the other hand it's always been my principle not to stick around after dishonestly, disloyalty, and infidelity are compromised. I want to cope. Good God I want to cope. But it's eating me up inside. How am I going to have peace of mind that nothing of that sort will ever happen again? Where do I summon and how deep do I have to dig down for a that tiny level of trust in order for me, for us, to move forward with our plans?
I've had a couple of good days. We speak and we laugh. But then I'm again stricken with the fact that I have been lied to, and in a certain way cheated on emotionally by the woman I want to be with. Whose parents are counting on my word. I've tried, in my head to come up with a middle ground. That is to be involved with the child, support her pregnancy throughout. But she doesn't want none of that. It's either I walk away, or not be around for assistance and be the guy who turned walked away after getting someone pregnant.
I'm going to end this here. I can't imagine how tedious it is for some to have to say anything after reading such a long post. But I want to end with a question - should I stick with my principles and throw away dreams and hopes with being with someone I truly adore or be selfless and continue to live with hurt and pain and hope it all goes away eventually?
Thank you for your time.