It's been quite a while... Long enough for people who care about me to tell me to stop thinking about it altogether completely. I've suffered long enough. I shouldn't burden myself anymore with these emotions that consume me whenever I think of you. But I have decided to let this go on its natural course. I've decided to stop hurrying myself to forget about these things that bother me constantly. I did try to 'move on'. I once tried engaging in a new relationship, which was an epic fail--to no avail. I tried forgetting and avoided the people whom I know would remind me of you. I tried all sorts of things just to forget you. And where did that get me? It turned me into this ticking time bomb--ready to explode with just the drop of a hat. I no longer want to pretend that I'm fine when I'm actually not.
I've gotten better, gradually. I've got my act together, compared to the wreck that I was when you left me. I've started to build a career--one of those vital things that I have neglected when we were together. Although I started on entry level, at my age, I mean at THIS age, I feel in time I could also succeed. I've reunited with my old friends-the people whom I rarely had time for during those times I was with you. I've gotten closer to my family, because they were the first ones who came to my rescue when I felt I had nowhere else to go. It wasn't that bad after all. They say when one door closes, a number of opportunities would come rushing in-only if you let them. And I'm thankful I welcomed those opportunities.
But here I am, back to square one. Due to some uneventful circumstances, I've realized that I haven't completely gotten over the ordeal that you've put me through. At that instance when these rush of emotions came over me, I felt I needed to talk to you, because once again, I've got that longing to make you explain how we ended up like this, how you've managed to hurt me and leave me without a second thought. Once again, I felt I wanted to hurt you, curse at you, blame you for it seems that all the years I've spent with you were a waste of my time. But I wouldn't-I couldn't impose. You have your own life now to lead now, and your new relationship to care for...
This is one of the many relapses I've encountered since then. And I hope this would be the last one. It's awfully hard not being able to trust. This is the one thing that I seem to have lost since you left. I've never been actually able to trust other people for the fear of having the same thing happening to me once again. And I know in time, this would ruin any potential relationship I could have in the future. But then again, I know I could regain that ability to be able to let myself go and place my confidence in other people... I just know I could.
I know it's a one in a million chance that you would get to read this. But I want you to know, even if you have hurt me immensely, I don't want to regret the years I've spent with you. I know you loved me then, even if you love someone else now Anyway,at some point in time, you were mine. I couldn't totally forgive you right now, because I'm still hurting. I wouldn't want to forget this pain, I just want it to dissipate, because with this pain also comes the memories I've had with you, and the lessons I learned along with it. I just hope someday, when we're both ready, even if takes years or so, we could still talk. There maybe are a lot of things to ask forgiveness for, but there are also a number of thinks to thank for. I know I hadn't been perfect, and I acknowledge the fact that I've done you wrong too in the past. For all those things, I apologize.
Despite the pain, in spite of the anger that wells up inside me from time to time, if given the chance to go back in time, I wouldn't dream of skipping out on the day that I met you. Through the hurdles we've had in all the years when we were together, we were once happy. Now, I just have to really come to terms with the fact that we were never really not meant for each other.
I'm thankful for the tears that come whenever I am reminded of you, makes me feel better; makes me realize that I've still got some feelings in my heart to spare-at least for the next, hopefully the last man whom I'm going to love. Them tears, they clear not just your vision, but your mind and heart as well. I shall move forward, but I won't rush it anymore.
It's been two years--long enough for others, but apparently, not for me.