found out that my 5y.o. son is not mine

[Hurting_Dad]

I'm probably the right person to tell you this...taking away your life (or someone else's) will not solve anything, sir.

At the moment i got the shocking revelation the first thing that comes to my mind is to get the gun of my dad and shoot myself right away. and i am thankful i never did.

[zgmf_x20A]

After more than a month, we had the chance to talk again albeit for a short while. I proceeded to ask her with the questions that I want answers to.

1. Why did she do it?
2. What prompted her to come clean now?
3. How were she able to somehow "bury" that guilt in the 6 years from the pregnancy to now?

She still has no answer to the first question...all she can say is she didn't know then, she doesn't know now. On the second one, she claims that she just can't deal with her conscience anymore (could be somehow brought about by her attending Born Again services in recent months??). On her "burying the guilt" as the years went by...she said that she made herself believed that we are truly a family, especially seeing how much me and our boy are enjoying each other, and it overwhelmed whatever deep-down guilt that she had for what she did...until she decided to come clean nga.

What actually surprised me were not the replies or the way she answered my questions, but how I was so calm throughout the short talk. While I can't help but make snide comments, once in a while while we were talking, I just didn't feel the anger I felt before. Don't get me wrong...I still can't look at her without feeling some sort of disdain. But I didn't really feel that burning anger from deep down anymore.

I have been very busy with work the past weeks that I haven't had the time to get away and really reflect. That is both good and bad in itself. And while I did not amiss on making sure to be present still for my son at least 3x a week, especially on weekends, I have to admit, am slowly getting used to being on my own. Could I have crossed over from denial to acceptance already?

bilis mo tsong ha denial to acceptance agad?
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

with the stages i think bargaining ka pa lang. it seems na may unanswered things pa sa isip mo na gusto mo pa ng kasagutan. and you still want na makipagbalikan pa. (although baka mali din ako ha)

[Hurting_Dad]

bilis mo tsong ha denial to acceptance agad?
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

with the stages i think bargaining ka pa lang. it seems na may unanswered things pa sa isip mo na gusto mo pa ng kasagutan. and you still want na makipagbalikan pa. (although baka mali din ako ha)

you may be right, tsong...

that's why patanong yung last sentence ko...salamat sa insight..

[mochaloca]

@TS

Just listen to your heart...that's all it takes just listen carefully what it saying. And from there you will never go wrong with whatever decision you’re going to make…
I wish your happiness and good luck TS….

[misstinapie]

mahirap na case talaga ang infidelity. it's your choice if you can live with that AND kung di ka magrerebound later on. like syempre if you choose her, unless you completely do a reset, it will be hard for both of you kasi you'd be paranoid when she might do it again, why she comes home late, and baka maging reason pa para magkaron ng sumbatan.

the kid obviously was just caught in the middle. i think you have to fix your self first. sabi mo nasa acceptance stage ka pa lang. it will take a long time. really long time. but i guess that long time is worth it if you do it right. as i've said, rebounding is a harmful thing.

so if you still choose her, CHOOSE HER not for any reason at all. not because you want to preserve the relationship or the family facade, but "just because". goodluck!

[SamboyLim9]

Hiwalayan mo na yung asawa mo. Malandi pala eh. Kung ginawa niya yun siyempre gagawin pa niya ulit. Saka mahirap talaga na pagkatiwalaan yung mga ganun na tipo na babae. Humanap ka na lang ng bago na girl na pwede mo na mapangasawa, and gumawa ka ng sarili mo na anak.

[tukmolski]

kuya try mo nlang mag prioritize ano ba mas importante sayo. *** babaeng sinamantala kahinaan mo o sarili mo.

[jazzmine22]

I agree, nasa bargaining ka pa, it's like "okay lang kahit niloko ako, kesa mawala sila sa akin, kahit masakit, okay lang basta kasama ko sila" stage.

Ang susunod na diyan eh depression TS, i just hope you'd be strong enough to get pass through this.

Take care TS, sa buhay naman talaga, we always have to take risks.

[Adiaposus]

@TS: Often life is difficult enough, keeping bitterness and unforgiveness is not only impractical but is probably cancerous. Wala na ba siyang iba pang pinaglilihim sayo na dapat mong malaman?

Kung ako ang nasa katayuan mo, kung mahal ko siya at mapapatawad ko at matatanggap pang kasama sa bahay at sa buhay, papatawarin ko. Malaking risk sa kanya ang ginawa niyang pagtatapat sayo. Pwede naman niyang ilihim yon habang buhay pero may conscience siya at ayaw iyang maging unfair sa iyo forever. At mukhang nakahanda siyang kung ano man ang maging reaction mo, she wanted to come clean anyway. But does she want you to continue to live as a family? Devils advocate: Or perhaps she has found a fallback where she could take the boy (na hindi na mahirap alagaan), a potential convenient option maybe?

Based sa kwento mo, you care about her and respect her. And you love your “son”. But our culture has set your mind to be angry and deeply frustrated. This is your life, never mind what culture dictates. Do not think of a way out, but find a way through. Ituloy nyo na lang ang masayang buhay kung willing kayo at ituring mo na lang na tunay na anak ang bata.

Kung ako ang nasa katayuan mo, siguro magagawa ko yan by forgiving. Siguro matatanggap ko rin itaguyod ang isang babaeng nagkaanak sa pagkadalaga at kupkupin ang mag-ina na tunay kong pamilya. It’s all about life and making good acts to defeat wrong and misery.

[shielala]

Discern and pray. Go for what makes you happy.

[1234hmmm]

her telling you the truth ts is a blessing in disguise... i pray na sana makayanan mo lahat ng pain that youre going through, god is just there, have faith trust him and you will be fine!!! turo sakin ng tita ko "ikaw po ang manguna, ikaw po ang makita at kalooban mo ang mangyari" pray that to him ts... godbless you!

[Hurting_Dad]

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

with the stages i think bargaining ka pa lang. it seems na may unanswered things pa sa isip mo na gusto mo pa ng kasagutan. and you still want na makipagbalikan pa. (although baka mali din ako ha)

It has been 2months since I first posted. And tama ka, bro, I believe am in between the bargaining and depression stage pa lang right now.

Maayos naman ang arrangement currently with regards sa time with my son meaning I see him as much as I want. But while I can function more now sa everyday goings ko, I still feel this disdain towards sa mommy nya. Hindi pa rin nya nasagot yung mga tinatanong ko sa kanya when I last asked her. Right now, while I still see her as the good mom that she is to our son, I just can't see us getting back together at this point in time. Akala ko madaling kalimutan yung ginawa nya, hindi pala.

Every now and then, when am alone at my place, I get this extreme sadness thinking about what my family has become. I know I have to be strong, not only for my son but also for myself, and that's what keeps me moving on.

Yun lang yung pwede kong iwan sa mga nalulungkot/nadedepress with their own dilemnas...stay strong, guys. Crash and burn should not be an option. Find a reason to move on (in my case, my son) and focus on that.

[Aizrith]

my heart bled when i read your story. I don't want to comment on this one but goodluck TS sana malampasan mo to.

[Papichulo168]

Just found this nugget of wisdom in FB...

[Papichulo168]

Hope you had a swell father's day TS.

[atomicbum]

ts saludo ako *** kc kahit na hnde *** *** bata minamahal mo p din sya.. sana maka move on ka na. it takes time pero dun k ren patutungo. sana lang wag mo kalimutan *** bata la nmn po sya kasalanan dun dba? pati ikaw n ren ang kinalkhan nyang ama..

bout sa asawa mo nmn po madali mag patawad eh pero mahirap makalimot. cguraduhin mo po muna sa sarili mo kung kaya mo nang makkipag balikan sa asawa mo nang wala ka maisusumbat sa mga nagawa nya kasi sayang lang po hndi din mag wowork yan.

[jazzmine22]

How was your father's day TS?

[red_eyed_kitty]

Never thought I would be asking advise from any forum...much less PEx.

It's been a week since I found out that the child I thought was mine was the fruit of my long-time girlfriend's moment of weakness with another man

Worse is, it happened right under my nose since we were already living-in together for 5-years at that time. The guy was a former H.S. suitor na nagkataong nasa same line of business as the business she was handling at that time (2006).

She kept everything a secret from me all these years until last week. She decided to come clean on a time when I was looking at the three of us moving into a better place/home. She just can't bear na daw that I continue sacrificing for her and her son. She loves me daw that she's giving me the freedom from my responsibilities sa kanila. She just can't live with herself and the lie that she's been keeping all these years anymore. She also wouldn't want that I hear about it from other pa if ever.

Now, am so lost. Six years of my life was a lie!

I am on auto-pilot now and currently living on my own, while she and my son went back to live with her parents. More than a week na and I still don't know how to move forward. I cried and prayed and cried some more and got drunk and locked myself up sa kwarto but the answers just won't come fully.

One thing am very sure of is that I would want to remain as the Dad of my son (who I love to death). I will support him (his schooling, etc.), and will be there for him whenever he needs me kahit hiwalay na kami ng tinitirhan. And when that time comes that he asks if am his real Dad, I will tell him the truth and will not stop him from seeking out his real father. Sana lang he would realize that it takes more than a few strands of DNA to be a father.

As for his mom, hindi ko pa makapa yung nararamdaman ko for her. Am hurt and angry and sad, all at the same time. I feel like she manipulated everything and now, for some strange reason, natakot sya sa multong ginawa nya. We have been together since our 20s (am now 38). She cheated on me when we were already in our 30s. Am still in the denial stage and I don't know how long it takes before one crosses over to the acceptance stage. I am so lost as to how I want to move forward.

I love our family and the life we built together but am not sure if I can get past this. Can I get back the love I have for her as strongly as before? Will I always resent her for being so selfish and think about her kahihiyan and all? Natakot din kse daw sya na mawala ako since I have been her strength, her support all these years. I trusted her so much and I don't know if I can get to that level of trusting again.

If you’ve read this far, salamat! Any comments will be appreciated. Just typing all these has helped (since I haven't talked to anyone about it yet), but it would really help to know how others have successfully gone through difficult, even though not similar, times like am going through right now.

oh my... this really made me cry... nkakatouch twing sinasabi mo "my son" even the fact na you know he's not yours anyway... plagay ko if you are all happy with each other go lang...un lang nmn ang importante masaya ka...basta di n nya uulitin...

[Hurting_Dad]

Saw "The Switch" on STAR Movies starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. While the movie has light moments, I really felt the hurt that Kassie felt after being told that Wally lied to her as to who the real dad of her son is. Medyo baliktad yung sitwasyon but the hurt made by the lie was practically the same


thanks for the kind words, jazzmine....am starting to have bouts with extreme sadness nga lately...

I agree, nasa bargaining ka pa, it's like "okay lang kahit niloko ako, kesa mawala sila sa akin, kahit masakit, okay lang basta kasama ko sila" stage. Ang susunod na diyan eh depression TS, i just hope you'd be strong enough to get pass through this.

This is exactly what troubles me still. I can feel na marami pa syang hindi sinasabi sa akin. There are so much doubts in my mind and in my heart that are left unanswered by her.

Wala na ba siyang iba pang pinaglilihim sayo na dapat mong malaman? But does she want you to continue to live as a family? Devils advocate: Or perhaps she has found a fallback where she could take the boy (na hindi na mahirap alagaan), a potential convenient option maybe?

Hindi hamak na mas napakadaling gawin nito kung ganito nga ang sitwasyon. Ang mahirap sa sitwasyon namin ay yung ginawa nyang kalokohan sa ibang lalaki ay HABANG nasa relasyon kami, paglilihim ng ginawang iyon, at yung pakiramdam kong panggagamit nya sa loob ng 6 na taon dahil alam nyang mahal na mahal ko ang pamilya ko. It's entirely different doon sa pagtanggap sa isang babaeng alam mo na may anak na sa pagkadalaga.

Ituloy nyo na lang ang masayang buhay kung willing kayo at ituring mo na lang na tunay na anak ang bata. Kung ako ang nasa katayuan mo, siguro magagawa ko yan by forgiving. Siguro matatanggap ko rin itaguyod ang isang babaeng nagkaanak sa pagkadalaga at kupkupin ang mag-ina na tunay kong pamilya.

[typewriter]

Born secretive yata mga girls, kasi yung lola ko... after 30 years saka lang niya inamin na me kid siya sa pagkadalaga. Lagi kami nagwowonder why among her siblings, mas mahigpit sa kanya great grandfather ko. Napausapan lang namin na baka ang dami pala namin tito kasi medyo infidel yun great grandfather ko. Then out of the blue, inamin niya na nabuntis siya nung teenager palang siya. Even mga anak niya hindi alam na me kapatid pala silang di nila nakilala. Kahit yung mga step children niya sa lolo ko di nila alam.

Pero advise lang, wag mong ifeed yung imagination mo. Madami kang maiisip. Hindi naman importante yung reason kasi kahit ano pa yung reason niya, hindi nun majujustify na niloko ka niya(well unless nirape siya nung guy). Kung makakatulong sa yo yung reason, intayin mo na ready na siyang sabihin sayo, especially if it's hard for her to talk to you, too. Fresh pa kasi. Be ready the lang na yung reason may not come at all.

About the kid, me half brother ako sa mother ko. He grew up with my dad. Wala naman sa amin half-half. Di ko din naramdaman until nung lumaki na kami tapos lagi akong tinatanong sa school kung bakit mag-kaiba surname namin. He hates his biological dad (pag pumupunta to visit him) which makes our dad uneasy. Pinapagalitan siya dati kasi dapat daw yung respect sa dad ko ganun di dun sa sperm donor niya. Siguro naman naeexplain niyo kung bakit di kayo magkasama ngayon.

She may have lied to you, but I don't think she used you. Hindi naman kasi kayo kasal, mas easier din sa kanya na makipaghiwalay sayo. Oo nga pala tagal niyo na tapos di pa kayo nagpapakasal?