Whole story here
Blog entitled: we will fix our eyes on you by Murren's dad.
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Whole story here
Blog entitled: we will fix our eyes on you by Murren's dad.
ok, here's the story
“Ge.. How are you? how’s Kim? ” asked by many after what Kim and I have just went through.
Most of you have received my reply of “Ok lang, God is holding our hearts together” Allow me to expound on the entire experience and you tell me, how God is carrying you throughout the hardest time of your life.
I will share with you what went through my mind as each challenging situation with Murren came into my life and Kim’s.
It was on Wednesday, January 4 when Kim called me after her supposed routine ultrasound and told me that there seems to have lots of complications with Murren. She was crying so hard that i could not make up what she was saying. What was clear was these...”There’s water in her lungs, and her abdomen, EDWARDS SYNDROME” she ends.
I hurriedly left the office upon knowing and wanted just to be with Kim. At home, we googled Edwards Syndome. What was clear to me upon knowing the illness was this... Our yet to be born daughter was just given a Death Sentence. Mind you, I read about Edwards, twice only. Kim and i chose to pray about Murren’s condition. Just to let you guys know, i didn’t cry even one bit upon knowing Murren’s condition. I wanted to. I couldn’t. Tears just won’t come out of my eyes.
On January 5, Kim’s OB-GYNE, Dr. Marinette Sto. Domingo confirmed it. We were in tears when our doctor told us what to expect. She was very nice and she comforted us too that we could try again and she will make sure that Kim will get pregnant and without complications with our next baby. She said that there are some on the spot decisions that needed to be made during birth, but what was kinda alarming in a way, was she said Kim could go into labor anytime between 32nd - 34th week. She was on her 32nd week when we gave the doc a visit. That evening, I told Kim maybe God decided to give Murren and her condition to us is because He knew we could handle it. He knew because He is in our lives.
What pains me, is knowing my yet to be born baby will expire either before or upon birth. Then I thought of God, how painful it was for Him to bring His one and only Son to join us here but knew that Jesus will die also. I told Kim that our tears could have filled a bucket (I was exaggerating of course), but God’s tears were all over Calvary when Christ died on the cross.
Kim and I had so many plans for Murren, we will play with her in our big outdoor area at home, we will home-school her, we plan to let her enjoy the swimming pool as early as 4 months, we can’t wait to bring her to church with us too. We already asked a furniture maker to build her crib, we invested in Cordblood banking even.
All of that... about to fade.. when we knew she had edwards syndrome.
What was unbelievable, even for me to do, is this... I had to prepare for her final resting place or funeral service and she is yet to be born. I find it unusual doing this. Usually it’s the children doing the funeral service of their parents when they die of old age right? Not the other way around. Never did i imagine that my first loss would be my first child.
On January 7, a cardiologist-pediatrician told us that Murren have a congenital heart. She even told us a story on how her patient whose child had edwards syndrome but was able to live for 9 months and died on the day that the mom found out she is pregnant again. That night, I decided to start reading Bible Stories to Murren. Yes, while she’s still in Kim’s tummy. I started reading to her about the Birth of Jesus. I want the first bible character she would get to know is our Savior. From that day onwards, I read bible stories to her nightly. I even look forward to it. I would even consider it one of the best time of my entire day.
January 8, to be honest with you guys, Kim and i are at peace knowing God is on top of the situation. We prayed for a big miracle if God wills it. If not, our only request to Him is to not let Murren suffer upon birth.
On January 18, As Kim was about to give birth to Murren since her water bag broke that morning, Dr. Sto Domingo checked on our baby’s heart and told us that our baby’s heart beat was going down pretty fast.. from the normal 130’s, now she’s going 60s, 50s... and asked us this.. Do we want her to do a caesarian procedure so that we might still catch her alive or do we just wait it out for a normal delivery?
You know what guys, especially those who are very close to me, You guys know that i am a very decisive person, but i could not decide on what the doctor asked of me... i told her to ask Kim instead. It turned out Kim couldn’t decide without me too and asked to be brought out to see me. Doc was nice enough to make it happen and brought Kim out to the recovery room so i could go in and talk to her. Kim and i decided to ask Doc for her recommendation. What’s comforting to our ears was when she said, she will now recommend or advice us as friend and no longer as a doctor, her advice is for us to wait it out and have a normal delivery. That very moment, a nurse was checking the heart of Murren on Kim’s tummy.. she could not locate any heart beat. At that moment, I had a feeling somewhat maybe Murren went back home already. Then a doctor specializing in High Risk Pregnancy came in to ask us questions, but was just reconfirming that we won’t do any treatments anymore or incubate Murren should she come out breathing but still with Edwards Syndrome. She went out and came back again and said.. “You two look so calm.. I am just surprised.”
It was about 515pm when i got a call and was told that Kim’s about to give birth and i should hurry to the delivery room. I must admit.. my heart jumped! So i went there as fast as i could. When i got there, i found Kim ready to give birth. I readied my camera. The doctor called a male nurse to help Kim push Murren out. I feel for Kim as she was really in pain... then i noticed that Murren’s head was slowly coming out. I heard a silent pop as the head came out first. I was hoping i could hear her cry, but she was silent. I knew right there and then that Murren went home to the Lord. I feel for Kim, for my wife who, not only was suffering from pains of giving birth, and yet to lose our first born child. I wanted to cry, then again, i couldn’t, it just won’t come out of my eyes. I comforted Kim and told her that God granted us our other request, that Murren won’t suffer one bit. God made her sleep in Kim’s tummy. No struggle, no suffering. None at all. Murren was handed to us by the nurse after she was cleaned. I saw myself in Murren... she looked a lot like me.. she had my eyebrows. She has lots of hair on her head, I cant seem to notice the low set ears (Edward Syndrome symptoms), her hands were clenched, but her feet were so cute. Kim and i took turns in carrying Murren, appreciating her beauty even if she is lifeless. A dear friend once told me that carrying your first born child will give you an indescribable feeling of amazement. I missed it.
The birth of your first child will have family, friends and love ones waiting for you outside the delivery room right? Most or all would be happy and excited to see the first baby of the family. Mine was the same, only the feeling is different. My family and Kim’s were there not just to see Murren, but more to comfort us. It was supposed to be a happy day. But we were all mourning. Again I feel for my wife, suffering through all the pain of childbirth... but no baby beside her.
January 19 - Not sure if any of you have done this, but as a father, it pains me and my heart would just break as i had my first born cremated in Funeraria Paz in Sucat, Paranaque. I even had a hard time finishing my prayer as Murren was about to be cremated because I was crying and praying at the same time.
January 20 - It’s my birthday. It’s supposed to be a much happier day. Kim even said, she’s supposed to be here between us in bed to play with and take care of. I was happy to receive a birthday letter from my cute niece and nephew. But what went through my mind, I will miss the experience of having Murren write me a letter on my birthday when she grows up.
Surely, Murren made me do a lot of first in my life. But what she did was far greater than any of us could imagine doing. It’s just amazing how God could use an unborn child to send His message across. That we should trust, accept and submit to His will. But allow me to share this, our dear Murren may have died on earth but our Savior lives. I can even appreciate more the gift of eternal life that He has given us. Kim and I even began to imagine the day when we enter Heaven’s Gate and Murren will escort us to be with our Savior.
Kim and I may cry now. But we will rejoice later. I now understood why we sing this song
“You give and take away,
my heart will choose to say,
Lord, Blessed be your name”
My friends, I went through something that could have easily break me, my spirit and my life. But I will be the first to tell you that all throughout the experience, it was God holding my heart and Kim’s together and seeing us through.
Napahanga ninyo akong mag-asawa TS, kudos for being that strong, and the great faith you have for the Lord.
We also lost two angels, I miscarried twice, and now we have two beautiful kids, a daughter and a son, they are God's miracles..
Kaya huwag na huwag kayong mawawalan ng pagasa TS, and you're right, this is more painful for your wife. Hugs to her.
I will pray for both of you.
Well brother condolences to you. Since you believe in a higher power, I think you ought to console you maybe it's part of some plan. Good luck to the Mrs. on recovery.
i cant help it...pero sobrang naiyak ako dito...condolence TS...im going to give birth next week and thank GOD ok naman baby ko...
i cried when I read this..........
sorry to hear that.. condolences to both of you TS.. GOD gave you that great challenge because HE knows you are strong. .. Just pray and pray.. someday He'll give You the best Gift in return>..
Thank you for your condoling messages everyone. My wife and i are broken hearted but we are at peace knowing baby Murren is with the Lord now.
Sinnerorsaint - God bless! Enjoy your littleone. am happy for you.
I was heartbroken to hear that. I know as parents you had so many hopes and dreams for your beautiful baby. I know that your family will help you through this most difficult of life challenges. Just keep on praying and may God grant you kids.
^ I, too, had experience the same struggle you had, though my first pregnancy after trying for more than 3 years had been the greatest experienced i had, on my 25th week (more or less 6 months), i had noticed that my baby on my womb isn't moving anymore, that was July of 2009, July 15, 2009 to be exact, hubby and i went to different hospitals to confirm it via ultrasounds and second opinions, it all says no fetal heartbeat, IUFD (Intrauterine fetal demise) my baby ive been expecting for years and has been trying to conceived is now gone. sadly still carrying it inside me with no heartbeat.. my doctors gave me pampahilab dahil di ko pa due so kelangan ko iforce labor, and doctor told me it will be so much painful. sa loob loob ko nun, may mas titindi pa ba sa sakit na mawalan ng anak? pero yun nga, after giving me meds para mag labor, i have to wait kun kelan hihilab ako para inormal delivery, July 17 nun nanakit ng sobra tyan ko then dumiretso *** ng hospital, i had normal delivery on my 6th month unluckily, amongst women who delivered, i felt like being crushed and torn into pieces, patay ko ng iuuwi ang baby ko...we had our funeral dito sa bahay, sobrang hirap sa kin yun , at sobrang sakit, lahat ng pagsisisi nagawa ko, inisip ko nun naging masama ba akong anak *** ako binabawian ng DIyos, hubby and i went to sto.domingo church pa to have a spiritual healing, the priest told me that God isnt like what im thinking... after then i continued praying over and over again, i hailed rosaries for so many times, until the pain numb me and hubby helped me to get thru with it...
like you, i never so my hubby cried with me, he just hugged me tight while tapping my back... he never sees me with my eye, maybe because he doesnt want me to see him mourns or else, i would be down on my knees, after months passed hubby told me when we argued. dahil nasabi ko sa knya nun na wala sya pakelam sa anak naming nawala, sabe nya sa kin kun umiyak sya at nagpakita ng kahinaan saan pa daw ako kukuha ng yayakin para kunan ng lakas.. tama sya... that was July 2009, after few months, God was so good, December 2009 came, I got pregnant, this time i prayed a lot for his safety, and now, our precious little boy that God gave me is now turning 2 this July 2012....Oh, btw, July 17, 2009 when i laboured my 1st baby but dead.... July 24, 2010 when i delivered via normal my baby boy alive... God is good, He will bring you the joy you deserved, so just hang on...
My condolonces to you and your family.
di ko na siya binasa.. at baka malungkot lang ako.. nakunan din ako last year. PLEASE TS! alagaan mong mabuti si mrs at lagi mo siyang kakamustahin or make sure that she's okay. dahil sa inyong 2 siya ang mas nasasaktan. mahirap tanggapin para sa isang babae na naexeprience na sa loob ng chan and yet di pala ma eenjoy pag labas niya. pero tama yan keep the faith. In God's perfect time for sure He will give you this kind of blessing! by the way I'm 14 weeks pregnant and happy because I know ito na yun. Pinagpray namin to talaga..
it really break my heart into pieces. hay. condolence to you. kudos for the both of you. GOD is always listening in our prayers. siguro ngayon hnd pa niya kayang ibigay, pero dadating din yung oras na magkakaroon kayo ng malusog na anak. dont lose hope. GOD is always protecting us.
Grabe ang iniluha ko sa mga nabasa ko. Thank God I have a healthy baby. To you and your wife, my deepest condolences. May you be blessed again with an angel who will fulfill your happiness as parents.
Hi TS, condolences to you.
If I may ask, in case magka baby girl ulit kayo? Would you prefer to name it after Murren? It is such a cute name!
God has plans for us just pray.
pero FOR ME, mas madali mklet-go kung maaga nwala (no memories to be cherish) unlike n malaki n tapos n nwala un ang mahirap i-let go (full of memories). Peace.
My older sister is stillborn, I knew how much it affected my mom. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
Aww I almost cried while reading your story
Pero grabe bilib ako kasi natanggap nyo po siya ng maayos/maluwag. Mas okay na din na di nahirapan si baby murren.
Baby Murren will be watching you guys from up there