jealousy really controls my life. jealousy for me, means insecurity. Of course, I love my bf. I can't afford to lose him. But I'm not losing him. He's all mine.But there's a thought that bothers me.. Till when? How sure?
My bf works at a call center where I previously worked. As far as I know, there are lot of new hires there and mostly girls... young girls. I want to trust him but I can't. I know he's not attractive. He haven't had a gf for 8 years because according to him, girls are ignoring him. But he's friendly and approachable. He doesn't have a reputation of being a player and as far as I think, he quite honest.
But my problem is... my thoughts. I can always imagine my bf talking to a lot of young and beautiful girls, and it sucks. It's not cheating but i would feel cheated if that's what happening. He told me that he's not having a close friendship with girls but I can't resist the thought that he's flirting. I don't worry a lot about him, having a relationship with another girl because I know he wouldn't do that. But it kills me thinking that he's having a good laugh or conversation with girls or he's attracted to random girls in the office. What really triggers my jealousy is not the love part because I know that his heart is mine, but I can never own him totally esp when it comes to sex. He might be faithful when it comes to love but not in terms of SEX.
The weirdest thing about me is... I always worry about him being sexually attracted to girls. I always feel low about myself, comparing myself with those girls. But I found myself thinking about him having sex or being seduced by other girls when I want to climax or when I masturbate alone. That's the only thought that turns me on, but it gets me jealous. I tried imagining us together having sex, making love but I can't really fell the urge. So why do I feel turned on by imagining him with other attractive girls? what's wrong with my mind?
And another weird thing is... whenever I hear or read a story of a woman having a bf or husband cheated on her, I always feel betrayed. I always think that no guy in this world is capable of faithfulness. Recently, my friend told me a story of a girl who had sex with a married man. She said that this girl was her office mate in a call center and that there's really a lot of flirt and liberated women in that industry. I instantly think of my bf having sex also with that girl in the story. Then I feel betrayed. Then, I text my bf and ask endless questions like who's with him, is there any girl in the office who has a crush on him, is he attracted to someone etc. My bf would just tell me, I asked that a million times... Paulit ulit napapagod na daw sya magpaliwanag. But then he has to answer.
After that when I read a thread about mistresses, cheating or call center culture (wherein madami daw malalandi) the same feeling transpires and I have to bug my bf again.. What's really bothering is that I always end up browsing such pages even though I had enough info. I know articles about a cheating bf would ignite my jealousy, but I keep on browsing. It seems that I got addicted to it. Same with the story, I listen or show interest a lot with stories portraying betrayed/cheated women. Why do I always link myself to those trigger if I can definitely avoid those things?
I cannot see any sign that my bf goes to a strip club but I can't help myself not to browse website or articles about that. I just want to know what goes out in such places and while I'm reading I'm starting to get jealous, insecure and paranoid. Then, I will find a way to investigate if my bf does go there. In fact, I asked him if he goes to such places and he said no because it's just a waste of money and time but still I'm not convinced.
This guy is not a liar. He's a good catch. I'm not paranoid because he's giving me a reason to be. In fact, I also acted this way in my previous relationships. It's a pretty normal thing for me. But I want to change.
Another stupid thing that run in my thoughts... Since, he's working in a callcenter where there are lot of pretty girls, while I'm working in a callcenter where 95% of the population are girls, I got insecure with the fact that he might be ogling girls but no one ogles me because we're all girls. For that I'm thinking to resign and look for an environment where there are lot of guys. I just want to fish for compliments because I feel unattractive. It seems that fighting my insecurity is far more important than securing my job. That's crazy but this is real.
I'm not a flirt but thinking of him flirting or being tempted by another person's attractiveness is a big insult. That's why the only cure for that insult that I can think of is to expose myself to guys and prove my worth.
Please I need somebody to help me. This is a serious problem. I don't wanna go to a doctor because they will just prescribe medicines. I don't need medicines. I just need someone to talk to. If you happen to know somebody who practices psychotherapy or have it as their sideline please let me know.