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Not exactly an ateneo/lasalle joke, but it's kinda funny...
This was written by Miguel Antonio Lizada and was taken from the niw defunct www.animoateneo.com
"This started as three separate entries in my blog I must be honest and say that this was nothing but a mere product of boredom. I wrote this after re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and after asking myself "What would Ateneo be like if it was attacked by Voldemort and his dark creatures".
Friends who read my blog forwarded this to their friends who in turn forwarded it to their friends. At the request of my colleagues here in AnimoAteneo. com and people who have enjoyed this, I have edited and polished this story as well as added a few new elements to it.
Just a few pre-reading reminders:
This, in essence is a parody of Ateneo life. Yes, there are of course anti-school and UAAP-based jokes here and there but this mainly satirizes Ateneo life - the people, the language, the culture etc.
This is also a parody of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Its ending resembles the ending of the Harry Potter book. So if you have not yet read the book and you do not wish to be spoiled, I must warn you to read at your own risk.
My thanks to those who have enjoyed what-used-to- be-just-a- time-filler and to those who contributed several suggestions."
Chapter One: Before the Storm
Fr. Bienvenido Nebres SJ was just finishing the day's work when Harry Potter, a senior of the Ateneo de Manila, burst into his office.
"Fr Nebres!" Harry shouted
"Harry!" a surprised Nebres said. "I thought you were out of school destroying the horcruxes to kill Lord Voldemort."
"That's what I wanted to tell you. I discovered that there are two horcruxes here in Ateneo itself. Voldemort has enlisted the help of the De La Salle University and the University of Santo Tomas. They are coming."
"Don't worry, Harry." Nebres said "You know for a fact that Ateneo -- its teachers and students -- are more than capable of defending our Loyola campus. We will hold them off while you search for the horcruxes and destroy them. You will need this." He waved of his wand and out of the air appeared a sword. "The sword of St. Ignatius." Nebres said. "Powerful enough to destroy the two horcruxes."
"Thank you, Father" Harry said. And with that, he sped off to find the last two things which protect Lord Voldemort.
Nebres then waved his wand once more and this time, four people appeared in his office. "Marlu, Rudy, Toby and Joey. The school is in danger"
Nebres then explained the situation to the four Deans of the Ateneo de Manila University.
"I want you to assemble all remaining students in the college covered courts. We must evacuate the freshmen through Marikina. The sophomore, junior and senior students may stay and fight if they want to. Next, I need you to assemble all the teachers, both part time and full time."
Without a word, the four deans Disapparated and went on with their tasks. Nebres too Disapparated back to the Jesuit Residence and briefed the Society about the impending attack.
Fr. Adolfo Dacanay was the assigned to lead the Jesuits to battle "My team is ready to fight anytime anywhere. We will crush them!"
"Excellent." Nebres said
After a few minutes, Nebres, the four Deans and some members of the faculty and administration gathered in Xavier Hall to discuss the battle plan.
"The School of Humanities can summon mythical creatures to help defend us." Marlu Vilches said "The English Department professors are summoning creatures from Dante's Inferno and Greek Mythology as we speak. The Filipino Department is summoning all the manananggals and white ladies from the haunted trees on campus.
"The Philosophy Department" interjected Fr. Ferriols "is summoning creatures from Meron pond right now. Those rascals will soon feel the wrath of Meron! Magiging WALA silang lahat! Konsepto lamang yan sila!"
"Now is the time to test the newest chemicals and inventions from our SEC laboratories. " Toby Dayrit said, "The Department of Environmental Science professors are enchanting the trees to life right now. We will purge them with the help of Mother Nature."
"I have just received a call from MVP" Rudy Ang said "Reinforcements from Makati are coming soon."
"My apples and sunshine are ready to fight as well" Tim Gabuna said. "Go CERSA!"
"I have just finished briefing my school. The Department of History is ready to fight. The Western history professors led by Dave Lozada and JoEd Tirol are summoning the three hundred Spartans and soldiers from the World War II to fight. Fr Bulatao and the Department of Psychology are locked inside the SocSci Conference room right now. They will use their psychic powers to toy with our enemy's mind."
"I have roused the athletes also." Norman Black beside Ricky Palou said "They are ready to put up One Big Fight with their super strength."
A voice interrupted them. "I KNOW YOU ARE PREPARING TO FIGHT! You are no match for us! I have allied myself with the La Salle brothers and the Dominicans of UST. You cannot win against me, Jesuits. Push the limit! Animo Spirit! Give us Harry Potter and the sword of St. Ignatius and we will let you live! We will even let you win some of the games."
Chapter Two: More Help
The Ateneans ignored the warning and instead began to prepare for the impending battle. A few minutes later, the voice shouted for a second time:
"I can see you are not listening! It is such a pity. What happened to your Prayer for Generosity? Give me Harry Potter and the Sword of St Ignatius. Give without counting the cost, you always say! You have until midnight. I also call on all students of La Salle Greenhills and La Salle Zobel. It is not too late. Come and join us. Convert! Repent!"
Fr. Dacanay, interrupting his briefing with his exorcists turned and said "The idiot is taking the prayer out of context. Besides, St Ignatius also said to fight without fear of being wounded. And we will do just that."
Three figures -- two women and a man -- suddenly appeared. "We are from the Department of Sociology and Anthropology" said the man.
"Ricky Abad!" Fr. Nebres exclaimed.
"I brought with me our Department Chair Bopeep Saloma-Akpedonu. And this is Czarina Medina, one of our newest lecturers. We apologize for being late. We were preparing our I-bombs."
"I-bombs? What are I-bombs?" Nebres asked.
"Ideology bombs. Once they detonate, they will spread false consciousness in the area -- the La Salle brothers and the Tomasians will think they are winning. It is all false really. We will use their pride against them."
"Excellent. Excellent." Nebres said. "And here comes Andrew Ty and Mark Escaler for the Department of Communication. "
"Yes!" Escaler said "we will infiltrate their communication processes by adding "noise" and ambiguity between the message relay of the sender and the receiver so orders can be reversed and thwarted!"
"The creatures from my horror films are coming!" Andrew Ty said. "We will use them to our advantage!"
"Father President! Some people are coming!" somebody shouted.
Some five hundred people then Apparated out of nowhere. Wearing either red or white shirts, they marched towards Nebres. A young man then stepped forward.
"We are from the University of the Philippines. " said the young man. "For years, our academic communities have built a strong relationship with each other. We have shared professors. We went to rallies together. We have had our differences. Yes. But in the end, our similarities and accomplishments outweigh our differences. .. We are here to help! We are honored to fight with Ateneo once more!"
Cheers and applause errupted from all sides.
"Let's make baka! Don't be takot! Let's make baka! Don't be takot! Let's make baka! Don't be takot! Let's make baba from the hill" the Ateneans cheered
Five minutes to midnight.
The School of Humanities stood with their mythical creatures summoned from the Classics, and the haunted trees and the gigantic swamp creatues from the Meron pond.
The John Gokongwei School of Management with their reinforcements from Makati, along with Venus Ibarra, Ricky Pilar and other professors.
The School of Science and Engineering with their mysterious inventions and weapons. The gigantic trees in the campus now walking sluggishly by their side.
The School of Social Sciences with their unique yet powerful defensive weapons; the Psychology Department ready for the psy-war.
The Ateneo Professional Schools ready to defend their Loyola-based counterparts; the two fraternities in the Law School forging a temporary alliance.
The Alumni, the D.A. (Dalandan's Army), led by Benjie Laza and Mon Cualoping.
The statues of Tomas More, Horacio dela Costa, the Blue Eagle come to life.
The students from U.P.
Two horcruxes left.
Now all is still, where Loyola's colors fly.
Chapter Three: One Big Fight
There was a burst of light emanating from the sky, brighter than the moon and the stars. What seemed like a horde of fireflies turned out to be arrows. Thousands of arrows. Tips on fire.
The arrows struck the Blue Eagle Gym. The oldest building in the University. The symbol of their athletic pride. Now aflame.
Toby Dayrit tossed a beaker of water to the burning building. He pointed his wand at the beaker now mid-air and shouted his spell "Magis." The water transformed into a surf huge enough to douse the fire. The Blue Eagle Gym was safe.
The archers outside roared their disappointment. But they shot again, this time targeting the Erenchun soccer field where some of the Ateneans were camped. Nebres pointed his wand at the arrows raining from the sky and shouted his incantation "Cura personalis" and the thousand arrows turned into bubbles.
The Ateneans cheered. The first two attacks of the LaSallians and the Tomasians have been thwarted.
"You have had your fun, Ateneans." a voice boomed. "Now it is time to get serious."
Darkness suddenly enveloped the University. The enemy had sabotaged their electricity. Immediately all the Ateneans took out and flickered their wands, "Lux in Domino" they chanted. Light emanated from all the wands.
The illumination came just in time as suddenly a stampede crushed the fences between Gate 2 and Gate 2.5. The Ateneans have realized the magnitude of their danger: it was not just the LaSallians or even just the Tomasians they were confronting; the other schools were there as well. A thousand green archers were riding the backs of the giant tigers of UST. Charging with them were the giant tamaraws and a hundred warriors whose bodies were painted red war paint. Above, falcons were soaring in the sky.
"YOU FOUL THINGS, noh?" somebody from the Ateneo crowd shouted, charging at the stampede; it was Tessa Rosana "How dare you attack us, noh? You don't know who you are dealing with, noh? TAKE THIS, noh?" She hit her gong with all her might. A powerful sound wave spread throughout the area knocking a hundred archers and animals out.
"HA! noh?" she triumphantly yelled.
And so the other Ateneans started counterattacking as well. David Lozada and his 300 Spartans. The ROTC cadets. The mythical creatures of the School of Humanities. Dalandan's Army.
Ricky Abad and the Department of Sociology soon deployed their Ideology Bombs prompting some of the LaSallians to cheer instead of fighting "Strawberry shortcake nananananana. " "Recticano! Recticano", allowing some of the Ateneans to easily knock the LaSallians out.
Somewhere near the Covered Courts, Norman Black was briefing his team, "Nonoy. I want you here. Chris, here. Jai, there. Alright? Any questions."
"Aaaaah! GOD DAMN IT!" a raspy voice screamed. It was Joe Lipa, former coach of the Blue Eagles, who arrived with the contingent from UP. "Just charge! Attack them! Now!" And so they did.
The LaSalle brothers and Francisco of UST were outside, watching the battle, waiting for their turn to strike.
A handful of LaSallians were found trotting back to their base.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" Francisco yelled.
"You told us to retreat!" the archer said.
"You idiot! That's just Escaler and Bulatao toying with your minds! Go back! That's it! I am joining the battle!"
She then stepped forward lifted her two arms and shouted "Tiger Power! Raar! Tiger Power! Raar!" The LaSalle brothers thought she had lost her mind. But then she suddenly transformed into a giant tigress, twice larger and fiercer than the ordinary tigers. Seeing their comrade ready and willing to fight, the LaSallians cheered.
"HOY!" Goldie the Tiger roared "NO CHEERING DURING BATTLE! NO CHEERING!" Then she advanced.
Her first target was Fr. Dacanay who was busy exorcising some of the archers and paralyzing them.
"FATHER! Behind you!"
Quickly, Dacanay whirled and performed his own counterattack "Expellus Inferius" blasting her into the middle of the Erenchun field, knocking her out.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! " The La Salle brothers shouted upon seeing their comrade down. "It is time we even the score."
The earth began to quake. And out of the night came a gigantic robot. It was DLRT; the LaSallians had transformed and brought the LRT-1 which passed Taft Avenue into a robot.
DLRT was making quick work of the Ateneans and their creatures, crushing the mythical creatures here and there, tossing the trees brought to life by the Department of Environmental Science.
"Let us not lose hope!" Nebres said. "We are after all committed to hope."
"Now is not the time to talk about GK, Father!" somebody said.
"I am not talking about GK. I am talking about SECtor."
He pointed his wand the Science Education Complex. The building shook and assembled itself into a robot. SEC A was the head and the torso. SEC B became the left arm and leg and SEC-C became the right.
"Mang Freddie!" Nebres called.
"I am ready, Father!" shouted Freddie the man in charge of Escaler Hall which has now become the control room SECtor.
"Attack, Freddie! One Big Fight."
DLRT was no match and quickly collapsed under the strength of SECtor.
"Fr Nebres!" Harry Potter appeared. "Two horcruxes have been destroyed and..."
"Animo La Salle!" "Animo La Salle!" "Animo La Salle!"
There were screams of terror. The LaSalle brothers had entered the battle. They were using their most dangerous spell: The Animo LaSalle -- the Killing Curse!
Finale: The Animo Wand
Ateneans were dropping dead left and right. The Animo La Salle curse was unblockable. Some of the more veteran teachers provided extra defense and protection to the students but most of their efforts were futile.
Dacanay and his Jesuit team however managed to stun a few archers.
Victory however seemed far-fetched. Francisco had been revived from the Stunning Spell by Dacanay. Back in human form, she was battling Jai Reyes, Kirk Long and Chris Tiu at the same time. While the players were certainly skillful, Francisco was able to block all spells launched by the Blue Eagles.
Francisco pointed her wand at Chris Tiu and shouted "Animo La Salle!" But the curse missed him by an inch.
"Not Chris Tiu you BIATCH!" somebody shouted; it was Achoot Cuyegkeng. "Out of my way! Out of my way! SHE's MINE!"
Francisco laughed. " You are no match for me! I am the greatest servant of the Dominicans! What's gonna happen to your Loyola Schools after I kill you?! What's gonna happen to your Blue Eagles after I kill Chrissy?"
"You will never touch any of our students again!!" Cuyegkeng said.
Francisco laughed. And with her unerring skill as jack-of-all- trades professor Cuygekeng sent a Stunning Curse at her opponent. The curse hit her squarely on the chest, knocking her out once more.
"Enough!" Harry shouted. "Voldemort! Where are you? You have been using the LaSallians and the other schools to come after me. Where are you?"
"I am here, Potter." a voice hissed. The voice came from Bro. Armin.
"No! I am Voldemort! Armind is my past, present and future. See?" he wrote the word Armind then with a flicker of his wand the word became Voldemort.
"I don't get it." Harry said
"Ako rin!" an Atenean said.
"Ha? Can you make ulit?" another one shouted.
"How did Armind became Voldemort?"
"Bai, nalibog na ko!" A Cebuano Atenean shouted.
"Bah! Never mind! Anyone knows the LaSallians can't spell. So anyway, I stunned Armind a few days ago and using his name and face I used the school and all the other schools to come and find you!"
"But you are too late. I destroyed all the horcruxes!"
"No, Potter. I win. You see, while I was Bro. Armind. I was able to find the long lost and most powerful wand in the entire world -- the Animo Wand! And you will be its first victim!"
"Are you kidding me, Tom?" Harry said "Don't you get it? The wand chooses the school. The Animo wand does not belong to La Salle! It belongs to the Ateneo."
"No! You are the fool! The LaSallians have been cheering Animo La Salle for such a long time. The LaSallians truly own the wand and since I am a LaSallian for now, I own it. Die Potter die!"
"But you see, Riddle, you did not review University histories. If you did, you would know that the Ateneans used Animo Ateneo first. And they still use it now. There is even a website right now named AnimoAteneo. com. The Ateneans have reclaimed Animo Ateneo!"
"So. It comes down to this isn't it?" Harry whispered "Does your wand know that its original owner still values it? If it does, I AM THE TRUE MASTER OF THE ANIMO WAND!"
Voldemort points his wand at Harry who in turn has prepared for the final duel.
"ANIMO LA SALLE!" Voldemort shouted.
"OH! GET. THAT. WAND!" Harry shouted.
The curse rebounded and hit Voldemort instead of Harry who caught the Animo Wand with his other hand. Cheers from the Ateneans and even some La Sallians, who realized that they were duped were all around.
That morning both Ateneo and La Salle forged a cease fire -- temporary because they next day was the Ateneo-La Salle basketball championship. Francisco who was revived after hours of being stunned by Dacanay and Cuyegkeng decided to lift the "No Cheering!" rule during time out. However, she still flinches whenever Dacanay (or any Jesuit for that matter) would approach her.
There were however, a group of La Sallians who disagreed with having a cease fire. They believed that the death and defeat of Voldemort was unfair so they decided to file a protest. This was later junked due to lack of merit.
Epilogue. Nineteen Years Later.
It was the day of the ACET.
Harry Potter was accompanying his son Ben.
"Dad! What if I fail the ACET and end up in DLSU?"
Harry looked at his son and said "Bienvenido Adolfo! You were named after two of the most powerful Jesuits in the country. One of them is a good friend of ours. In fact he was the one who officiated our marriage."
"But... but... so what if I DO fail the ACET and end up in DLSU?"
Eh di bobo ka talaga! Harry thought. But he didn't say that. "But we will still love you as our son!" Harry said. "Alright. Your test starts in a few minutes. Make us proud. One Big Fight."
i_bleed_blue, Sir Migoy really is epic! =))
May female friends from UP often complain kung bakit konti lang ang gwapo sa UP.
Sagot ng mga kaklase niya,
"Eh karamihan nasa Ateneo"
Dapat nag UP pala ako.
Ateneo: Bakit an daming halaman at puno sa UPLB?
UPLB: Pang dipensa yan.
DLSU: Para saan?
UPLB: Sa mga Zombies.
UST : Bakit naman kayo pupuntahan ng mga Zombies?
UPLB : Kasi Nasa Amin ang..
Banned by Admin
anything new? instead of wasting time discussing these kind of jokes...invest your time studying and think how to uplift phils...kulang nalang pati laos cambodia and myanmar talunin ang pinas
This thread, I love it.