I got tested August 24, 2010 and it was the turning point in my life.. It turned out to be positive and I can't believe it at first. I was nervous sobra and I can't barely say a word kay Dr. Mendoza. To my surprise, I was able to laugh and smile at her. We had a conversation about how positive I'am in my life. She said that she admire me for the courage that I shown to her. I don't know what to do that time. I left the room with a smile and asked God, why me? I was so furious to look for an answer. I drove all over manila with nothing in my head. I was thinking empty thoughts. Nothing much to say to myself. I didn't blame God for having this disease, nor my partners who were not that really faithful to me. I just took a deep breath and concentrated on my driving. I told myself that, no one is to be blame. It's my destiny and my curse. I got scared of what might happen to my future. I was empty handed that time and I can't cry at all. I smiled and thank God for giving me another adventure of my life. life is a roller coaster as what Ronan keating said. I never blame myself. Never. I'll just carry this cross of mine that gets heavier and heavier each and every day. I go to work and make face to everyone I meet. I never intended to be plastik at all, its just that I need to be funny and happy coz that's my trademark at the office. 2 months passed by, I was hospitalized for a month. My health card got busted and It was Dr. Matti from MCU who help me out so I'll be covered. The insurance was so hesitant to cover me up, maybe because it's a condition that you'll get sick every now and then and it's going to be very expensive. October 29, 2010, I thought that I was dying. I was diagnosed with pneumonia. (PCP) I was in the ICU with nothing but an oxygen tank, the small box that monitor my heartbeat etc... I felt cold and I can't sleep at all. I talked to God and said; "if it is my time please take me". My prayers were not heard maybe because I still have something to do in this world and then I slept. The doctors said that I should be transferred to PGH coz my insurance card has already been max out. I transferred to PGH with an ambulance and got scared. I didnt know that they'll help me out better than in MCU. A doctor came to my bed and talk to me if I was tested there, I said no, I got tested in San Lazaro. She was very kind and helped me out. She knows everything about my situation and gave me free anti-retro-viral medications. I cant believe that I'll survive. I never thought that I will still have another chance. God didnt give me this just to test my faith I know that there is something else that I need to do and that is what I'm trying to figure out. Until now, am taking meds to prevent HIV from spreading or rather to slow it down further. Everytime I look at the pills, i just say to my self that these pills will help me to live longer and it's my life saver. Now I feel a better person, i feel that I'm blessed that i have so many friends and loving parents. I thank God for every single day that I wake up.
Things that made me think that having HIV is a blessing.
1. I have clarity in my life. Who I'am. What i want in my life and what is important to me. Who is more important to me. My dreams. My goals. My present and My future.
2. I become more grounded, more planted into this earth. I appreaciate simple things.
3. I don't have all the answers to my questions and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with surrendering. I'm okay with living my life to its fullest.
4. Its the perfect filter in my life. It filters who are the people whom I should invest with. The friendship and love. people who appreciate me for being me and for what I have. I treasure them a lot.
Being an HIV positive doesn't make me a lesser person nor a measure of who Iam. I consider this as one of the loops of my life's roller coaster the most interesting and exciting one. I learned how to make wise decision and up until now still trying to make MORE wiser decisions. I have learned to care for myslef and the people that surrounds me. I have become empowered. I have found a voice and a blissful urge to live.