please forigve the long post, i just need to get this out of my chest...
i fell in love with an officemate. 'twas the first time that i really fell for someone. she has a boyfriend, but we had *something* going on for about a month. i wasn't the type who'd go behind another person's back, pero nagawa (at natiis) ko yun because i really fell hard for the girl. when her boyfriend found out about us, he threatened to leave her. she chose to stay with him, telling me that the thought of losing the guy shook her. mas matagal na daw silang magkasama, at marami na raw silang pinagdaanan at hindi madaling basta-basta itapon yon. in short, mas matimbang daw yung isa kaysa sakin. we still remained friends. we see each other everyday because we are on the same team. i was a pseudo-boyfriend, taking care of her when we're together, filling up the role when her boyfriend's not around. eto naman akom, nagpaka-gag0, i went along on that setup.
moving on was especially hard for me. i still love her, but i realized that we're just not right for each other at this point of our lives. i can't fill up her needs, and she can't satisfy mine either. growing up with a broken family, she needs the attention and a manly figure in her life, yun bang lahat ng kapritsuhan niya sa buhay ibibigay sa kanya. lahat ng gusto niya dapat masunod, or else susumpungin, and i'm not willing to babysit anymore. i want someone i can talk to and exchange ideas with, i want someone who will respect my opinion and my feelings. gusto ko yung intelligent relationship, hindi yung nakakabobo. iba yung hinahanap niya sa lalaki, at iba rin yug hanap ko ngayon sa isang babae. we're just not compatible. with that realization, i started to look the other way. mind you, i didn't look for other girls; i just tried to NOT look at her the same way i did as before.
we had a big row 2 weeks ago about a petty thing. she shouted at me sa napakaliit na bagay, embarassing me in front of our officemates. it was then na nagising ako sa katotohanan: she didn't respect me, kahit na bilang kaibigan man lang. i was taken for granted. she only kept me as a "friend" para pag may kailangan siya, sa akin niya hahanapin dahil alam niyang nandito lang ako para ibigay yun (whether it was companionship, attention, special treatment, whatever). she's apologized already, which i accepted din naman. pero it's become my resolve to distance myself from her, to spare both of us from further heartaches. we still talk, pero strictly work related na lang talaga.
during the 2 weeks na hindi kami nagu-usap, i've gotten close to another girl in the office. wala pa naman nangyayari, but the seeds of a possible relationship are slowly being planted. we constantly email and text each other, y'know, the phase where we're getting to know each other more.
back to the original girl. she confided to another friend na she was jealous of this new girl in my life, na she wanted for things to go back to the way they were, na mabalik yung closeness namin. she tried making lambing to me, which fell on deaf ears. she even cried in front of me; it broke my heart seeing her that way, but i simply walked away. after all the progress that i've made trying to get over her... hindi ko alam kung gusto kong bumalik ulit sa ganung situation na sweet-sweet kami, tapos pagkatapos ng araw babalik siya sa boyfriend niya. i admit, i still love her, but i just don't know if i still want to be with her.
she wrote me a letter, telling me that apparently, she's not over me. sabi niya akala niya nagmove on na sha, pero hindi pa pala. ngayon lang niya na-realize kung gaano ako ka-importante sa kanya, and may empty space daw sa puso niya na ako lang ang makakapuno.
i don't know what to do. do i make her choose between me and her boyfriend? if she still chooses to stick with him, do i walk away and stop being friends with her? do i agree to go back to the "way things were", na pseudo-boyfriend lang ako? or do i simply ignore her plea, and keep the current status quo? any opinion will be appreciated. thanks.