Losing You...

[wishywashy]

Have I lost you, completely? I lost you. Life is so cruel to me. Why do you continue to hurt me?

What I don't get is how easily you can just drop me like that? Don't you understand... even if I tell you how I understand everything that's happened, you just leaving me like this, i didn't really mean it? can't you see and feel how hurt I am?? Sa tingin mo ba, di ko maalis sa isip ko that you threw everything all away and I can't help but think that everything that happened between us, all the hurt that ive been put through, everytime na dinadamayan kita and absorb all your pain, everything.. was taken for granted? Ano yun?

I always try to be tough when you're weak. Tinitibayan ko lang yung loob ko para di mashadong masakit. I have tried so many times to keep away from you, noon pa. Ayaw ko balikan lahat ng to, pero I want to justify everything that's happened between us. Don't give me that ******** about you being weak and confused. I know you enough.

The first time I went here to Cebu, I promised myself na kakalimutan na kita, that I'll move on with my life. I kept crying at the airport back then because I know I won't be able to take it-- I can't stand the thought of letting go of you and moving on with my life-- without you. But I know it would help my time away from you. Pero pagdating ko pa lang dito sa Cebu, I have an email from you, waiting to be read-- that you miss me so much that you can just cry. We started talking again, like nothing happened-- and I can't help but fall into the trap of falling again.

I realized then that you feel the same way... even if you didn't tell me that you do. I just know that you do. I wanted to be there for you, even if I can't be physically, I wanted to be part of your life as much as I can, even if it's complicated. Complicated because I know your status-- but we can't help what fate has in store for us.. we became more closer, despite the distance, and we hung on to each other because we make each other strong and hopeful.

You were having problems back then, and I tried so hard (!!!) to be at your side, even though it hurt so much. I didn't want you to be lonely and sad, because somehow, we're a part of each other and we know how each other feels. We LOVE each other, goddammit!! YOU KNOW THAT PRETTY DAMN WELL.

Someone told me, you looked so miserable when I went away. Then after you went here to Cebu, you looked happier and that you looked like some of your burden was lifted off of your shoulder. What's that supposed to mean? I wanted to think that you went here to Cebu, for me. I remember you telling me that you wanted to prove to me how much you love me. And you did. Although there are some instances that you have hurt me so much even while you're here, I just want to be happy because I knew you were here because of me. Because you LOVE me.

It was an insult that you kept texting her even while with me. But I can't tell you what to do, because nagpromise ka na sa akin nun na you'll turn off the phone while you're with me. That didn't stop you. You hurt me so much then, pero di nalang ako nagsalita.

We have shared so much, all those pain... your times of confusion was also times when i was as confused as you... but I tried so hard not to pressure you. I don't know what kind of relationship we have after you went back to Manila, but I know , deep in my heart, you clearly feel as much as I do.

You told me, back when you broke up with her, that you would like to simply live your life-- and that you can't imagine going back to that relationship because it simply doesn't make you happy anymore. That I know. I know I keep pressuring you when I keep asking what you feel about me, and I'm sorry. I wanted to make sure that you're still there for me and you still care for me and that you really MEANT what you said.

Apparently, you don't. You just tell me that you do, but you really don't. I went home from Cebu-- ni magsundo, di mo man lang nagawa. You didn't even check up on me. You know how I felt back then? I felt so UNWORTHY and UNCARED for. Alone. I keep thinking that maybe you're thinking that I'm a big girl and I can do all that for myself -- but don't you realize how it's important to me that you be there for me? I guess you don't.

So many disappointments, and yet, mas nauuna pa rin yung love ko sayo, I keep assuring myself that time will let all things fall into place. That in time, you won't be taking me for granted or that you will realize how much I need you to be there for me.

That day we spent together the first time I worked in Makati again was unforgettable. I felt your happiness to be with me again. I felt you cared for me. I felt important in your life. I didn't have to ask you how you feel for me, but I know that you do.

I know that you love me.

Can you just imagine what a big blow it was for me, when you started to become cold toward me, after Holy Week? I noticed that so much that it bothered me. And then I realized that you're miserable again because you learned na may nanliligaw sa ex mo. BS! Yun lang, and you wanna hook up with her again? Yun lang and you realized that you can't live without her? Eh ano yung mga sinasabi mo sa akin na you can't live without me in your life?

I knew that you were confused mostly because you know, deep in your heart, na mahal mo ako -- pero di ma maintindihan kung bakit di mo makayanan na hiwalayan mo sya. How else will you be confused? You are so hung up on what has died already!

You're one heck of a confused man! But I did my best to keep your sanity intact, and to make sure that you keep strong in everything that's happening for you. And I, tried to be strong as well. You gave me as much strength, to keep going on. We rely so much on each other, can't you see that???Sigh. Ayaw ko naman isipin na niloko mo lang ako... pero can't you see? Pinapabayaan lang kita because I don't want to influence how you think and what you decide on. You made me feel how much you love me besides all that's happening. Do YOU really love her enough to go through all that BS again? Or is it because you're just scared to move on? You ARE scared. You are, you just don't know it.

I'm trying to fight for what we have. It's not something that you just throw away, like what you did. It hurts me so much that you didn't even fight for what we have. It breaks my heart so much that I keep thinking that all the time that I spent for you, all the love, lahat ng pagtitiis, lahat ng hurt that I have to endure... wala rin pinuntahan. I did all that because you gave me hope-- you made me feel that we have something to look forward to... together. TOGETHER. You made me feel that I'll win you over, somehow... someday.

You're so afraid to take risks! I have always been there for you, and I keep teaching you that it's okay to take risks, to be strong and be happy! Pero parang wala sayo lahat ng effort ko. I know you enough to know that you can be stubborn at times, but you have to free yourself of that -- what is it? Why are you so hung up with her? Remember what you told me before? Di mo maisip how it would be with her again because you've been hurt by her too much? I don't ****in care if you keep telling me, "Mahal ko talaga sya.."... pero does that come from your heart? Why do I feel like you don't really mean it? That you just wanna prove to her that I am not the reason why you have given up on your relationship with her... but because you have grown TIRED of your relationship? Di mo ba nakikita yun?Hindi AKO ang reason ng gulo nyo. Kahit noon pa. Kahit na yun ang iniisip nya, kahit pilit mong sinasabi sa kanya na hindi ako ang reason (di mo man lang naisip na nasasaktan ako when you tell me this, that you can't even fight for me).. It's how you feel about her. It died when you realized that you love me too. Di ako ang cause why you two have grown bitter towards each other. It's because you're not happy with her anymore -- it's because everything died when you started ruling your life.

My God, I can't believe you had the heart to do this to me while I'm all alone here in Cebu. Sobrang sama ko ba, to deserve all this? Why do you have to do this to me, when you made me feel so loved before I went back here? Why did you even make me think that we have a future together by making plans with me? Niloko mo lang ba ako? Did you ever mean all the things that you told me?

Everything's so unfair. I feel so hopeless. Totoo *** sinasabi nila na people you love have the capacity to snuff out every happiness in your life and lets you wallow on the memories that you shared together --enough to make you even more miserable.

I don't even know if I need an explanation. Sasabihin mo nanaman na paulit ulit mo nang sinabi sa akin, paulit ulit mo nang inexplain sa akin... but I deserve better than that. and you know it. I know deep in my heart how much you love me, but you don't have the balls to fight for our love, because you're so hung up with her! You're so scared to move on! You're so wrapped around her finger! You scared to be free and be happy with me. You keep hanging on to what you're used to... that you're scared to move on.. it hurts me so much.

After everything that happened to us, di mo kayang ipaglaban lahat ng yun? I want to keep hanging on to that hope, because i love you that much. Because I know that despite your decisions, your heart's with me.

Kahit na inexplain mo na lahat sa akin, I hope you think deeper and feel what you need to feel. You know that I don't deserve all this BS. YOU are enough reason to fight for. Am I not worth fighting for?

Why do you continue to hurt me? Iniisip mo ba na dahil makakayanan ko lahat ng to, you do it? Iniisip mo ba dahil I'm strong, I can take everything that has happened to us?

I guess not.

Sigh. Life is so unfair. You are so unfair.

[kYuPoL]

... I somehow envy that guy you are talking about.

Very strong language... Im getting the impression you're ready to take a bullet for him...

I wish I find some girl like that again... who would love me and care for me (cuz nobody does...)...

THE REAL WAY... and not someone who will play my emotions just to use and seduce me.

This just sux...

Life is so unfair...

[wishywashy]

Thank you for taking the time to read it, kYuPoL

Life goes on ... I just wanted to find me an outlet to let out how I feel. Hopefully, I'll find someone worth all the love.

[kYuPoL]

I just wanted to find me an outlet to let out how I feel.

... actually, IM ATTRACTED to writing like that...

I dont get annoyed like what most people normally do... In fact, that excites and interestes me...

[wishywashy]

thanks

THE REAL WAY... and not someone who will play my emotions just to use and seduce me.

You sound like you have a story to tell too... care to share

[kYuPoL]

You sound like you have a story to tell too... care to share

Ok... Here goes...

It all began in September 2003... a time when classes started (this is in Canada) and it was also a time when I met this girl.

I first met her in a computer lab. I was browsing some online manga sites and she was like... "Oh... you like anime... that's cool... I like anime too...^_^"

Um... that was our first conversation ever. We had some little chit chat in the computer lab... and then we kept on meeting each other in every single class... since its the FIRST TERM... and during first term, you are classmates in every class.

Then, we became closer and closer to one another, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I WAS AVOIDING HER. I purposely got away from her... stayed away from her... because of some reason that is very unclear.

But still she kept on approaching and talking to me. She always had this cheerful look on her face... this smile... this CONCERN.

One day, she STRIKED AT MY WEAK POINT... which is the fact that I grew up with NOBODY GIVING A DAMN at all about me. I normally enter and leave the class... be present or be absent without ANYBODY GIVING A F**CK...

That was a new feeling. For the first time, I saw somebody who would give a damn if I'm around or not. It felt so good... That instance, I felt some sort of "new beginning". I lead a life that was LACKING in the department of love... I got excited. My heart started beating faster...

=====================

From September to December (first term), I tried my best to stay away from her. But the feeling was kinda contradictory. My body tried to stay away but my mind and heart... was thinking about her. Because she was the only person who seemed to care. Who SEEMED to LOVE ME and CARE FOR ME.

During the term break (Around Christmas time to the first week of January), we kept on emailing each other. And in her emails, she kept on talking in a "flirting" kind of way. The more I got excited...

So... when classes started again in January, she had a problem with one of her subjects... As in there was no more space... When she decided to fix up her timetable, we ended up being together in each and every class... AGAIN!!!

In every class, she would sit next to me, talk to me, open up her darkest secrets... She would talk to me in a DIFFERENT kind of way. I noticed a tone change in her voice when she is speaking to me... as compared to when she talks to other people.

Her voice was hypnotizing me... it was seducing me. Her stare... her smile... was destroying all my resistance. CUZ I ENTERED SCHOOL NOT GIVING A DAMN AT ALL ABOUT LOVE. LOVE WAS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND! IT WAS NOT EVEN ON MY MIND FOR GODS SAKE!!! And now, I was falling little by little... loving her...

One day, around March of 2004, I TOLD HER THAT I LOVE HER. She was speechless. I touched her face, and her shoulders... I wanted to kiss her and get sexual on her but we were in the hallway and people kept on passing...

Later on, during April, she told me that she DOESNT LOVE ME and that my FEELINGS ARE ONE SIDED and that SHE ONLY SEES ME AS A "FRIEND" and that I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU...

I was shocked... and heartbroken.

Days later, I sent her an envelope. On the day I sent her an envelope, my classmates told me that I was acting weird... even if I didnt tell them anything about that letter.

On that night, we met in MSN. Her first line of the conversation: "You are an idiot!"

And then the conversation went on and on and on... she was angry... and I told her...

"So... you hate me now. So... you're not gonna talk to me ever again... GOOD"

"No you idiot. I'm just angry. I dont hate you"

And then another hour of blablabla... and she was like... "I dont wanna lose a friend". She showed CONCERN again for me. She showed that SHE GAVE A DAMN about me. That immediately calmed me down. In one second, I wasnt angry anymore. I forgave her immediately.

And then came another hour of small talk and normal chat... as if nothing happened. The chat ended with me saying "I love you". She replied with a

(^_^)

==============

And then came a day... in where we were chatting on the phone and her brother KEPT ON YELLING at me and saying rude comments about me. He called me a "perverted old man" and he threatened to slice off my head.

I said: "Go ahead. I dont care." It shocked her.

And then I offered to give a chance to her brother to BEAT ME UP IN THE PARKING LOT. I even said that I will not fight. I will let him win. Her brother declined that offer and said that he "isnt violent".

My next offer: I WILL LEAVE UNCONDITIONALLY. NO STRINGS ATTATCHED. LEAVE WITHOUT THROWING A SINGLE PUNCH.

That offer shocked her. She wouldnt wanna let me go. She wouldnt wanna see me just leave.

And then came that FORGIVENESS again from me.

==============

Last week, we attended some drawing class together. After the class, I kept on making moves on her. Looking her in the eyes longer than normal, touching her shoulders or hands or head, and moving closer and closer to her personal space.

She complained about that.

I again said: "Then I'm gonna leave you if you got a problem with that"

She didnt like that deal either... "I dont wanna lose a friend. Friendships are important in life. BF and GF breakup but friendships are forever"

===============

CONCLUSION: Her intentions are UNCLEAR and her moves still need to be studied. It is either that she has messed up definitions in her head... or maybe she REALLY has feelings for me but is only hindered by a lot of barriers.

Her parents are strict and would not allow people in her house all the time... (except for "homework") BUT RECENTLY, SHE MADE AN EXCUSE...

We agreed to work on some comic (which is considered "homework")... that she can do herself. She wrote it and all... And that script, she is the main character.... and that script tells me a lot about her personality.

So... I'll just play it safe with her. As of this point, I'm still seeking out other girls... because she IS uncertain.

Many people have been telling me different opinions about her...

- She is only using me. I should grab my balls back and snap out of it... cuz I'm just a mere doormat... that will be disposed off once she finds someone else...

- She has hidden feelings for me but she needs to know more about me

- She IS childish... and children are incapable of loving like a lover. They need parental love and not lover love.

[honey_cakes]

sad naman ng story nyo. Just go on with your life na lang and enjoy. try to do things na makakalimutan nyo lahat ng heartaches. Hard but you need to try and do it.

Wala lang share ko lang.

[wishywashy]

Was just thinking... why is it so hard to move on... sometimes you'd think... "Will I ever be happy?"

:sigh:

[AltarBoy^_^]

yes, everyone will have to move on, one way or another. misery loves company.

[cyberkid]

thats the sad part in love...

moving on and letting go...

[gillian]

o ingat kyupol and wishywashy..iba na yan..

joke pohh..

the threadstarter can be a writer u know..may potential..hehe..

lots of people are just so ****.ing unfair these days noh?! kill them all!!!! arrrrrggghhh..now i can relate...

moving on and letting go is hard but what's HARDER is FORGETTING EVERYTHING..wag kayong humindi jan dahil 2too!!!!!

[Quentin]

lalaalallala ALALALLALALALAL allalalalalalal

ahaha

ahaha

k, i'll get my medication now.

[wishywashy]

Originally posted by gillian
the threadstarter can be a writer u know..may potential..hehe..
[/b]

You really think so