just umm...one of my poems....read them if you want to....

[IceAngel]

Sorry to take up space, but since some people here post their poems then I thought why not post my own. Comments and constructive criticism are welcome.

HIS VOICE

i love it
when he whispers my name,
like a sweet delicacy rolling
on tongue
a sweetness often rivaled
by the
flaming torch
carried
by his ephemeral
glance.

i wither like
a decaying old
tree,
with carefully
well-planned strokes
i fall,
but oftentimes,
before my dilapidated body
can crash to the ground
to live no more,
I would care less,
for I am aware
that he will whisper
my name again;
he will stare at me
one more time,
and soon I will be
on my feet
following his serenade,
carrying my fallen twigs
haphazardly,
his song given life
by his voice full of
soul, and those
reliving my own.

[uptowngirl]

haaaaayyyy....soooo...i don't know what to say... :)

turuan mo naman akong tumula! :D

[acridmouth]

Galing Galing Galing! :)

[manoksapugad]

IceAngel, you have a facility for language and the freedom of imagination. Konting honing na lang ang kailangan.

Single controlling metaphor means you use one metaphor and write the whole poem so that it is consistent to that metaphor. Ex., when, was it Longfellow, used an arrow as a metaphor for friendship: "I shot an arrow into the air/It fell to earth, I know not where." The rest of the poem does not stray from the imagery of the arrow. I know, most poets today no longer follow that, but it's a good start to develop that kind of discipline.

Even if you use several metaphors in one poem, it wuld be good to be consistent to each. "on my feet" seems a bit awkward since you're comparing yourself to a tree. And how can you "crash to the ground" "with carefully, well-planned strokes."

I hate making a critique like this, kasi it might sound like i'm bringing you down, or something. But I'm not. It's just that you write well and I'd like to see you go farther with it.

[manoksapugad]

Okey! But I have three words for you IceAngel: single controlling metaphor.

[IceAngel]

Thanks everyone!

Manoksapugad: care to elaborate on that? call me dumb or something, but i didn't get what you mean. Thanks!

[bLaCk]

hands down.. galing....

awwww....

[IceAngel]

Manoksapugad:You hit home. That's exactly what all those who's been reading my poems has been telling me, and dang, I still haven't learned! But I'm working on it,don't worry. Don't berate yourself, I rarely encounter critics who are sensitive with their criticism. Thanks!

[IceAngel]

Well, I posted this poem here before but I didn't get much comments and critiques. Hope you don't mind if I take up even MORE space...

Reminsicing
I know that
it seems that I have
forgotten those
long, afternoon
talks,
laughter and stories
shared between coffee
and meetings patted on
the back by early morning
dew.

The passing winds of time
seems to have erased our footprints
long imbedded within the path
we have walked long ago,
yet
I haven't forgotten
how it feels to wish,
to remember,
and to imagine.
If you look deeply
into my heart,
you will see me, still
chasing the fragile rainbows
left by the slight pattering
of your rain.